One.. Two... Freddies coming for you...

What is your first memory?

I have few memories as a child, and the two most dramatic ones are actually pretty disturbing.

According to my sisters I was about 2 1/2 maybe 3 when one of my sisters boyfriend gave me a kitten. Back then fast food restaurants gave their happy meals in plastic buckets with lids to them. My family and I were leaving for the afternoon and my sister told me to put the kitty somewhere warm, assuming I would put it in its bed. But me being the smart kid I was thought there was somewhere warmer to keep it. Hours later we returned and my sister told me to go get the kitten. So I did... Here I come running out of my bedroom with this bucket, and I still remember to this day opening the bucket and telling my sister.."Look I did a good job of keeping the kitty warm, its still sleeping!" I was so excited that I was a "big girl" and took care of the kitten. My sister never told me that I had killed the kitten, but later told me it ran away. Everytime my family brings this up it makes me cry, I think just because I remember so vividly seeing the kitten "sleeping"...

Yeah, I know I am a horrible person....

This next memory just shows one of the ways I was tortured as a kid. My sisters always bullied me!
When I was about 5 or 6 we lived behind my grandparents house, so the yard was very large and there were alot of hiding places. In our house the door to the basement was in the bathroom. I hated that door! it scared the crap out of me... This was also about the time I started watching scary movies, and I was terrified of the nightmare on elm street movies. (Actually I still am to this day, I love scary movies but those are the only movies I cannot watch, I even still have nightmares about him! and I think its because of this...) Well my sister J and R decided to play a trick on me. J locked R in the bathroom and R acted like someone was attacking her. About 10 minutes later R came out dressed like Freddie Kruger. It was Horrible!!! I was so scared.... she chased us around the yard for a couple of minutes than ran back into the bathroom. Then she would come back out normal and I told her what happened, she acted all freaked out them J locked her back in the bathroom and everything started again. I remember looking into my grandparents window and seeing my grandmother. I told my sister J that we should go in there and she told me that Freddie had already killed them and if we did they would attack us. My sister chased me around atleast for a half hour, if not longer. I have never been so afraid in my life! When my mother got home they did get in trouble but I couldnt sleep in the dark for about 2 weeks.


What a memorable childhood...

Will this ever end

Nothing much to talk about today....

Guess I can give an update on C.

Its been 2.5 months since she has been in the hospital. She still has no control over her body but shes no longer in pain which is good. The doctors say she will most likely me there for atleast another six months. Well actually they have decided to put her in a nursing home as soon as they find one.

They really havent updated on her recovery, so I'm still not sure if she will ever gain control of her legs again. Shes lost over 45 pounds since she has been there. She looks like a completely different person!

She has decided to cut her hair,(something she never does!!) so on tuesday the hair dresser is coming in to chop it off, I think they are cutting off all but like 4 or 5 inches! Her hair is so beautiful, its atleast down to her ass if not longer and really thick. Shes going to donate it to this girl with cancer so they can make her a wig. The local newspaper is supposedly doing this big article on it. I cant wait to see it. She will definately look different then.

The hospital gave her her own room so she wouldnt have to deal with a roommate. They also gave her a mechanical wheelchair, since she only has control of her hands... The other patients have been really supportive also, in one of the art classes they made some puzzles and pictures for her son so when he visits he has something to play with. Her favorite thing is that she finally convinced them to let her wear regular clothes... She was so excited about that! It was good to see her smile, even if it was only for a few minutes.

I just want her to come home. I want to be able to do all the things that best friends do again! I miss just hanging, having someone to talk to about everything, even her yelling at me for stupid things, but most of all I just miss her! I know she will never be the same, its so hard to lose that part of her that she will never gain back... her spirit.

Sex is perfectly natural but not naturally perfect!

So I'm very bored today, no work to do again...




I was sitting here and for some reason I started thinking about this show Talk Sex with Sue Johanson on the Oxygen channel.

Its the best friggin show ever! I mean what is better than a lady who reminds me of my grandmother giving very detailed sex advice...

She has a little treasure chest that has exciting new toys to try... She also rates different products, this week I think it was butt plugs. I've never used one and I'm sure I never will but just in case I do, its always good to know which one is the best! I wouldnt want to waste my money! She even has these two wooden dolls that she demonstrates sex positions with... Its great!

God I love this show...


Just a fun fact-

Did you know it takes 70 days for a mans body to make one sperm!

Boo!!!

Ahh.... I love this time of year.

Well, actually just halloween, its my favorite holiday. I'm not really a holiday kind of girl; I dont really enjoy thanksgiving and I hate christmas. I'm like the grinch!

But halloween is great! I love everything about it, especially haunted houses. I love being scared, its an adrenalin rush thats better than any drug!

Theres one house in Cleveland that I wish they would make into a haunted house. Its called the Frankin Castle. Its one of the most beautiful structures I've ever seen...(and yes I have traveled, so its not like I've only seen the crappy buildings in cleveland!) It just has this magnetism that draws me to it.

Theres alot of history to this building, and most of it is kind of creepy... The building which was owned by Hannes Tiededman has over 40 rooms, with lots of secret passage ways. Its said that some people (mostly children and Hannes's family) were murdered back in the mid-1800s when it was first built. Dozens of baby skeletons were discovered years later in one of the passage ways, and thought to be victims of a doctors botched experiment.


There are lots of versions of the story, and of course its hard to separate fact from fiction... But its so interesting to know that there is a real haunted house right here in Cleveland.

call me a yankee!

Yeah, so I completely forgot that I started this blog... but now I'm back!

What crappy weather we are having here. Its about that time of year when everything goes down hill. Its cold and rainy now, but soon it will be even colder and snowing. Why do I still live here? why do people put up with crappy weather to live in a crappy city? I could understand if the city had something to offer; but it doesnt! Theres nothing here that could possibly attract someone to move here, except a job offer of course.

I bet 80% of the residents have lived here since they were kids... I know that if I hadnt lived here as a child I sure as hell wouldnt be here now. I just havent had the guts to actually move yet. But this is it, I cant take it any longer.. THIS WILL BE MY LAST WINTER HERE!!!!

I guarantee that no matter what happens I will move next year. Hopefully to Texas... My mother just moved there so atleast I will know someone. Ahhh... how nice it must be there now, I can just imagine how warm and dry it must be! Its a dream for now, but this time next year it will be reality!

Im dreaming of a warmmm christmas!

The weather is shitty and I feel like shit. hmm.....

I hate this crappy weather.. Its cold and rainy, very depressing. Its even more depressing to know that soon it will be even colder and snowing. Why do I put up with this shit, this city has nothing to offer me, yet I stay. I just havent had the balls to actually move. Well this is it.

No matter what happens, I guarantee that this will be my LAST winter here! I have to move next year, I cant take it. Every year around this time I get the winter blues. I just cant take it any longer...

So I guess I'll be moving down to Texas with my mother next year. I cant wait.. I should have moved this year, but I guess one more winter wont be so bad.

On another note, I feel like shit. I'm not sick, I really dont know whats wrong. I'm exhausted, I can barely keep my eyes open. Its been like this for the last week or two. For some reason I havent been able to get a good nights sleep. I usually lay down around 10-10:30, and I end up waking up like 4 or 5 times throughout the night. Its beginning to irritate me! And I have been eating like crazy... Its like Im getting the munchies with out smoking the pot, now wheres the fun in that?

okay I'm done bitching now...

Some people...

Thank god this weekend is over...

The baby shower actually went pretty well...

My sister wasnt upset that I invited my fathers wife, and there was no drama!! (thats more than I can say for the weekend here at blogster! but thats another post)

Anyway, so my fathers wife has alot of fucking nerves! I was shocked that she came in the first place, I mean who would want to go to a shower to meet your husbands kids and their whole family without anyone you know?

She had the nerve to introduce herself as my stepmother, and refer to my sisters unborn baby as her granddaughter... who the hell does she think she is? Then all she kept talking about was how great my father is, how he has became a better father. How can someone become a "better" father when they never were a father to begin with?

Granted, she did spend like 600$ on my sister, which is all I wanted anyway. But she told me that my father was upset she spent so much because he didnt want us to think she was trying to buy our love... (I know thats not why, he just didnt want to tell her the real reason)

She also took the time to explain to me that she had a long talk with him about him being a hypocrit by not excepting the baby because the father is black, even though he excepted his father being married to a black woman for the last 20 years.

She acted like this was the only reason why we havent spoken to him in 8 years... And now that she made him realize he should love the baby, we are supposed to just forgive him...

Obviously he hasnt told her everything about his past...

Obviously he is hiding alot from her, I wonder how she would feel if she knew what he did. Though, she might not care, I mean she doesnt have any daughters to watch out for, she only has sons... But I wouldnt put it past him, fucking pervert!

The wheels on the bus...

Public transportation....

I admit it is useful to alot of people, but I hate it.

There are so many things about it that I dislike. I think this is mainly because I have encountered some very weird and rude people on the bus.

Now that I am a "regular" on the bus to and from work, I realize that most of the time there are the same people everyday.

In the morning I get to ride with all the kids going to the local High School... which I hate. Usually all the seats are taken so I stand until we get to the school, which doesnt bother me, but I hate it when an elderly person gets on and these damn kids dont move. Can you be so fucking ignorant that you dont have the decency to get up and offer your seat to someone who really needs it?

Then there are the girls who think they are just the shit...(probably juniors or seniors) and they constantly talk about, point at and sometimes even trip this one girl... shes obviously very shy and nervous so she wont speak up for herself.

Then after these kids finally get off, I have to deal with the "crazy" people. You know the ones who sit and talk to themselves, constantly make really weird noises or start yelling for no reason... Eventually you learn to just ignore it but sometimes you cant. Like the other morning this lady just peed all over herself and the seat. She continued to sit there until her stop, when she got off she didnt even tell the bus driver what she did. The only way I knew was because you could see that her pants were wet. So for the rest of my ride I had to prevent people from sitting there.

Could you imagine going to work in the morning and sitting in someone elses urine? How fucking disgusting is that!

Then in the afternoon, the bus is still packed but with a much older crowd. These are the people who put their bags on the seat next to them, and when you ask them to move them they get an attitude, like your inconveniencing them...

Then there is always that one person who you dread having to sit by. First let me say that I am not racist at all; I have many friends that are not my race, I honestly believe that racism = ignorance. Well there is this black guy on the bus everyday, and he is always talking about white people. (he talks to himself) and he talks loud enough for EVERYONE to hear him..

"God I hate white people, Why do they have to be on this bus... They think they are so special.... I hope one of those whities dont sit next to me!"

How rude is that... Like I said I am not racist, I love people of all nationalities, and to me this is out of control! I dont want to hear someone saying things like that. Granted I believe hes not all there mentally, but this is ludicrous. I know that if it bothers me, then it deffinately has to offend some of the other people on the bus...

So I'd rather stand than sit by him, the last thing I want to deal with after a long day at work is some guy talking shit to me because I am white!

Ahh... public transportation! could it get any better than this?

To sleep with a vampire...

What is the one thing that turns you on no matter where you are, what kind of mood your in or who your with? I'm sure most of you have one, even if its a little embarrassing to share with the world...

To get the ball rolling I will share mine. Its a little weird, so bear with me!

I have an infatuation with vampires. Not the "real vampires", you know the people who get fangs attached to their teeth, and suck each others blood; but movie vampires. It all started the first time I seen the movie Interview with the Vampire. It was about 5 years ago, I was watching it with my ex, and I got really excited...

Ever since then, I have been obsessed with vampire movies. Fright Night, The Lost Boys (one of my all time favorites!), The Underworld (thats a great movie!), and of course Dracula (1979).

They are like porn for me....

I could never figure out why... why do these movies turn me on so much? Most of my previous boyfriends just laughed at it, I've only had one guy that was actually smart enough to use it to his advantage.(why is it that even when you give them such a subtle hint, they still cant figure things out?)He learned exactly what to do to get some, no matter if I had a "headache" or not.

'Til this day I have no idea why, and I could honestly care less if I ever do.. Its just great having something that is an instant turn on!

So whats yours? dont be embarrassed, I mean what can be worse than that...

Didnt I say STFU?!?!

UGHHH.... today is one of those days where I wish everyone would just shut the fuck up! All day I've been dealing with bullshit.

People who cant speak english, yelling at me because the Consulate is out of the country and they need a visa NOW because they already bought their plane tickets...
Why would you buy your plane tickets before you get your visa, do they expect us to work magic? what if the visa doesnt get here in time... Then they're out of their money and we have to apologize for something that isnt our fault!

Then I get stuck doing things that arent my job... I wouldnt normally care, but its affecting me personally...

Why should I have to stay after work to wait for some lady to come pick up her settlement check, because she doesnt want to wait until Friday when my boss offered to drop it off? If she needs the money so fucking bad, she should have left her house (in Columbus) an hour earlier, so she would be here by 5.
But nooo.... now because I am the only one here and she so desperately needs this check I have to cancel my doctors appointment which I have waited over a month for so I can be here for this wench!!!

Who knows how long I am going to have to wait to see this doctor now.

Yeah.... I stink!

Well what a great night I had....

I went out last night with some friends, at first I had a great time!

My girls boyfriend rented out a stretch navagator for us for the night, it was nice!

I didnt drink too much, I didnt want to be hung over today.. I'm celebrating sweetist day today with my man, he'll be out of town tomorrow. I believe its only celebrated in Ohio, but I dont care. Its my excuse to have a night dedicated to me!

Anyway, so last night was fun until my friends started being all about their men. Dont you hate it when you feel like the third wheel? I wanted so badly to just go home, but nooooo it was "girls night out!"

That wasnt even the worse part though...

My friend ended up grabbing my keys. So of course I was locked out of my house, I had to sleep in the hallway...
I havent showered, still have on the same clothes as last night, and had to wait 2 hours outside of my job before someone finally came to let me in...
what a fun time!

But something good did come out of last night. I called my landlord and bitched him out for being a piece of shit.. I knew he wouldnt come let me in, I just wanted to yell at him... So to shut me up, hes cleaning my carpets, giving me a new lock and finally giving me a key to the bottom door....


I get so much accomplished at 3 am...

Oh no... what did I do?

I have this problem of not being able to say no to certain people...

My aunt called me and basically talked me into calling my grandmother (my fathers mother) to invite her to my sisters babyshower.

My sister wants no communication with this side of our family, and that is understandable. When I told her that I invited our grandmother she wasnt too upset, but for what I did next she is going to kill me!!!

As I was talking to my grandmother, she did the whole quilt trip and convinced me to talk to my father... What was I thinking you might ask? Well I was thinking that if I were to talk to him just once or twice that he would buy my sister something for the baby.. I mean it is her first and she needs all that she can get. Yeah I know I'm a great sister, willing to sacrafice myself just to get her a gift! LOL

So I called the bastard, and talked for about 20 minutes. He told me "I am still your father, and I just wish you would give me a second chance. I do love you very much and I have already missed the last 8 years of your life I dont want to miss any more" blah blah blah... I told him about the shower and he said he would pick something up for her.

Mission accomplished....

Yeah right, my life is never that simple!

He called me back the next day and said his wife wants to come to the shower with my grandmother...

What was I supposed to do, say we didnt want her there? He kinda tricked me into saying yes.

So now she is coming, and my sister is going to be very upset when she finds out.

My plan is to not tell her until the day of the shower, at least that way she cannot tell me to call them and uninvite her..

Why do I get myself into these situations? I'm to nice sometimes! Damn, I need to learn to be more of a bitch.

I should be a pessimist

It seems like lately everything has been going wrong... Whats that saying, anything that can go wrong will go wrong!

I can tell its going to be one of those weeks again!
Starting this past weekend, everyday theres just another disappointment.

Plans that I have been looking forward to for the last 2 months and have already been rescheduled 3 times, got ruined again.

Another stupid argument with my boyfriend that is lasting way longer than it should... Why is it that when things start to go smoothly one of us does something stupid to ruin it! I do admit this time it is my fault.. but hes giving me the silent treatment, something I would never do to him. I hate when people dont talk about why they are upset, and he knows that. (I'm sure thats why he is doing it, how devious is that!)

My work computer broke down, and of course all of my templates are on there. I need to learn to backup more!



I know things could be worse...



Just another week in the life of me...

I guess my money isnt as good as yours...

Charity is charity right?

Is it wrong for a charity to turn down money because of where its coming from? I mean as long as its legal of course?

As I was reading the paper today, I read an article about famous women heightening the awareness of breast cancer. Reading this made me remember something that happened a few years back.

About 3 years before I started dancing one of the bartenders at the club was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a radical mastectomy and soon after fully recovered.

Once I started dancing, one of the dancers mothers was diagnosed. She wasnt as lucky to recover and passed away.

Our friend was devistated, and as a way to support her and the bartender who did survive we decided to do a charity car wash.

We were sponsered by one of the top radio stations in Cleveland. We had a local car wash closing down for the day to let us use their facilities. All we needed was for the charity to acknowledge that we were doing this, for the radio station to continue with their promotions, sponsership, etc.

We continuously tried to contact them for several weeks, and we received no call back. Then finally we received a call stating that they did not want us to do this, and they wouldnt except the money that we would raise. They didnt wast to be associated with a "strip club"

I was furious! we are women, we get breast cancer too! I never understood how they could turn us down. I mean its not like we would have been doing it topless or something, we were going to wear shorts and a pink top so everyone knew what charity it was for.

Do you realize how much money could have been raised? Our location was on the corner of one of the busiest intersections, surrounded by businesses and restaurants.

I can understand if some people look down upon strippers, I admit its not the best job out there. But its legal! Why let your opinion of something get in the way of a good cause?

I will never understand why they wouldnt except us, why they couldnt see past our occupation and look at what we were trying to do...

Why me...

I think I am having the WORSE week ever!! Everyday its something else...

When my ex was going to jail, I let him take some naked pictures of me so I could send them to him. When we broke up he sent them back to me. I should have thrown them away, but noooo.... I'm not that smart.

I found out yesterday that this guy Rob has one of the pics, and was showing people at his job telling them I was his girlfriend...

I am so fucking pissed... I feel so violated!

I'm a little confused on how he got the pic. I did live upstairs from him when I live with my sister, and he was good friends with her boyfriend. So I know he was often in the house. But how did he know I had the pics, how did he find them? And what the hell was he doing in my room when I wasnt home?

UGHH!!!! can this week get any worse?

I havent been able to confront him yet, I live to far from him. But I had my friend E do it. He keeps saying he doesnt know what she is talking about... I want my fucking picture back. And this dude is going to get his ass whooped!

I cant believe this is happening to me....

What a fucking cunt!

what a great day I am having....

Update on my friend C.
She is still in the hospital, she WAS doing much better. She has been doing physical therapy, she had gotten much of her speech back, and partial control of her arms.

I tried to go visit her yesterday but I was in between visiting hours. So I tried to call her today and I found out she was put back into ICU. But now her family decided to put a block on anyone who isnt immediate family. SO I cannot call or visit her. I have no idea what caused her to be put back in ICU and I am stressing out. I mean obviously something serious happened over night for them to put her there.

How can her mother be such a BITCH!!!! Why wouldnt she put ME on the list to begin with, she knows how close me and C are.

The hospital wont even leave a message for C's family to call me, they said there is nothing they can do and that I have to get permission on my own.

The only people in C's family that I know how to get a hold of is her grandparents. Too bad they dont speak english....

I am so stressed, I just want to know that she is okay.... I cant believe her mother would do this to me... I bet C doesnt even know about the block...

Ahhh....Life is grand!

As a kid I always had to worry about migranes, I started getting them at the age of 8. I still remember the first one I've ever had. I was walking out of school to the school bus and started getting these sharp pains in the back of my head. They were gradually getting worse and worse and by the time I made it to the bus I was vomiting. It was horrible, I was so young and had no idea what was going on, the pain was unbearable and I honestly thought I was going to die. The whole way home I kept pounding my head against the window, the coolness of the window, and the pressure of each slam took the pain away for a few seconds. After several tests and x-rays I was finally diagnosed. The meds didnt help much so there was nothing I could do except lay in a pitch dark room and try to sleep, but that was hard to do while in school or on my way home. I remember there were a few times I was in school and I would start vomiting out of nowhere because it was so bad. I usually had one about once or twice a month. Thankfully I havent had one in about 4 months *knocks on wood*.

Now a few months back I was diagnosed by my ophthalmologist with ocular migranes. Theres really no pain but damn are they annoying!!!
Its kinda hard to explain what they are. Its basically a loss of vision in either eye or sometimes both, lasting anywhere from a few minutes to hours. It feels like a film of something over your eye, causing everything to go blurry and the more you try to focus, the worse it gets. Along with the loss of vision, I see these lights in the corner of my eye. The lights look like fireworks, little specks of bright light just slowly floating down the corner of my eye.

These things are driving me crazy!!! there really is no treatment, so I just have to put up with them. The thing I hate the most is I never know when they will come, out of nowhere suddenly I cant see....

Ever since I woke up this morning this is what I have been dealing with, it gets so aggravating. especially trying to work on this fucking computer.

UGHHH!!!! what a great way to start the week...