To splurge or not to splurge....

How is it that yesterday I was shopping online and found this auction site kinda like ebay that had some things that I wanted to buy.. I contacted the seller, placed the order, etc.. but haven't paid yet. Then when I went back today I cannot even access the site. I keep getting redirected to somewhere else.. Smells a little fishy to me.. I'm a little disappointed though, I really wanted this wallet, and I haven't been able to find it at that price anywhere else. I knew it had to be too good to be true. Maybe its karma telling me that I shouldn't buy it.. Damn karma!! I really wanted it too...


Do you know how great it feels to be able to drive down a bumpy road and not have to worry about my tire falling off... and yes it was that bad!! But now thanks to be b-I-l I am worry free.. and still have money in the bank!! The part that I needed was $195.00, but he got it for only $120.00... and I gave him $40 for the labor, so I only paid $160.00. In his shop he would have charged about $400.00 for both the part & labor.. I saved $240.00!!!! the benefits of having a mechanic as a b-I-l are endless!! He also said that he will do my tuneup whenever I want him to.. and that will save me a couple hundred.. He's great, I will miss him very much if what he said about the divorce is true. He told me again yesterday that it is still going to happen its just taking a little longer.. He told me that he will be moving out of state. WTF?? he has a 10 year old son here. I don't think he will do it but one never knows. I am kinda weary to even ask my sister about it. Like I said before she can be a bitch, and I wouldn't want to make things worse between them..


l

You wanna read what?

Well.... our night out actually went pretty well... I'm glad! My friends behaved themselves, most of the night.. We went to a couple of clubs downtown.. One of the girls did meet a guy and ended up inviting him back to their hotel room. A and I got along very well, no fighting at all!!

On saturday night A was online and wanted to see my blog. At first I just showed him the one that I use only to communicate with some friends (its on myspace) I never blog there, just use it to message and read friends blogs. He knows about this blog, and asked if he could see it. Finally I gave in and let him read some. It felt so weird having him read these posts because recently they have all talked about him. He didn't say much... I wonder what he was thinking... He probably has a big head now seeing how much I talk about him.. LOL!

So I found out yesterday that my car is worse than I thought it was. I thought that it was a strut, but its not. I cant remember the name of the part but it will cost me $160.00 for the part alone!!! Thank goodness I have it to spare this week. I'll be broke for awhile but it needs to be done. Luckily for me, by brother-in-law is a mechanic and will (hopefully) do the labor for free.. I could just imagine how much it would cost if I had to take it to a shop...

They arent me!!

I am soo happy this week is finally over! It has went by so slowly...

So tonight A and I will be going out with some of my friends from Akron. I'm not sure if this will be good or bad. Lately we have been (well, I should say he has been) bringing up the whole Vegas thing a lot. All he says is "if you did that right in front of me, what do you do when I'm not there". Ughh... will he ever just put that behind us. Yeah, I know, probably not. So anyway, the girls we are going out with are... how can I put this nicely... not very street smart. They have a tendency of usually leaving with different guys all the time.

Like for instance, last time they came to cleveland. They were out with my friend T, and something happened and T left them there. Instead of calling a cab they leave with these guys. Now remember they are not from Cleveland, so they don't know their way around. Well, for some reason these guys left them at a gas station-who knows where. Instead of calling a cab now, they leave with some guys who are getting gas. Luckily nothing happens and they get back to T's safely in the morning. Now from what I understand this happens alot. They meet guys, and go with them...

Now see me, I would never do that. I have had too many bad experiences where I would never trust someone I didn't know.. Hell, half the time I don't trust people I do know. Maybe they haven't had any thing bad happen to them, but why even put themselves in those situations... I don't know. They say that they regret it in the morning, but they keep on doing it.

A knows how they are, I just don't want him to think that just because they are like that means I am like that too when he's not there... I think maybe just seeing them in action might bring back up Vegas. Hopefully everything goes okay.. If J & M just behave themselves I'm sure we will have a good night...

There is hope...

I know I may be counting my eggs before they hatch, or is it counting my chickens before they hatch? hmm... anyway I might be getting ahead of myself but I am soo excited for football season!!

The browns might actually win some games!! WooHoo... I cant wait. We picked up some great players, and a couple of which are actually cleveland natives!! For once I am actually looking forward to the end of summer. Okay, not really... but I am excited about the season.

Hmm... what else. Oh, I got my year revue yesterday... Not to happy with what they are offering but it is okay for now. I guess I understand why they don't want to pay me a lot because in reality I really don't do much. But, hey, that's not my fault. I would do the work if it was here. So now I guess I'll start touching up my resume. A says that I am worth atleast $1.50-$2.00 more than I make here. Thats why I love having him in the business that he does. He can always tell me what I am worth, and maybe even get me the job. If only I wasn't dating him I could just be his assistant. He pays his employees very well... He is constantly having office parties at really nice restaurants. Once he even rented out the Nautica ( a local cruise ship) for a whole night. Lets just say his employees are well taken care of and I'm sure they love him for it!

GO Browns!!!!!

Mmm Mmmm Good!

I must say that I am proud of the way my swordfish turned out last night.. I used a rosemary garlic recipe and it was delicious! Luckily for me it was very moist, and the seasoning was just right. I used the george foreman grill, which I give a lot of credit to! I love that thing...

So I woke up this morning at 6:30 and did cardio... See, A has been on this health kick lately. He says that he is the fattest he has ever been... Growing up he was a very good athlete, but since his heart attack has slowed down a bit. Now he is working out twice a day! Doing cardio at 6 am and lifting at 6 pm... Seeing him doing all of this makes me feel lazy! He has been trying to get me up at 6 to do cardio too! Ha, that's not going to happen.. So this morning he lied and told me that it snowed outside that way I had to get up early because the drive would have taken a lot longer.. When I got up and looked outside... no snow! bastard! since I was up I did cardio for a half hour. I know, its not much, but I'm just starting!! I admit, I could afford to lose 10-15 lbs... I am the fattest I have ever been... In the last year I gained 20 lbs. It might not sound like a lot but on my petite frame it is! We'll see how it goes..

What I would give for a home cooked meal...

Guess I need to drive down to Texas!!

What was I thinking telling A I would cook his favorite fish tonight? I have never even cooked fish from a box before.. This is going to be very interesting!

Hmm.... I guess I'm not that bad of a cook, I mean I can cook all the normal stuff. So far everything I have cooked for him he liked. That doesn't say much though cause A will eat anything! LOL! I did make some chicken that he wasn't too fond of though. I'm weird when it comes to cooking chicken. I always over cook it. Its something about chicken that gets me nervous. I'm always afraid that I will undercook it and end up getting salmonella or something. I'm learning... I'm trying to learn atleast..

I wish I could cook like my mother. Though she would be much help with the swordfish, she never cooked fish. But everything else she made was always sooo good! What sucks is that she never used recipes, she just did it. There was this one very simple dish she used to make. She keeps telling me that its only macaroni, tomato sauce, butter and seasoning... It was just something about it that made it so good, everyone loved it.. I have been trying to master it for years and it never tastes the same. Thats why I think that she is keeping some special ingredient from me... Sometime when she was in the mood she would make these delicious home made noodles. Mmmm... my mouth is just watering thinking about them. This is a recipes passed down from my grandma. I have yet to try this... I get intimidated just thinking about it! Everything has to be perfect. The dough cant be to sticky or the noodles wont cut right... The noodles cant be to thick, nor can they be to thin! Its hard but damn are they good!! When ever she made them I used to convince her to make about 2 batches of them just so I could have them for the next week... They were a meal all in their own!

Gee, all this talk about her food is making me miss her more! Its been almost 7 months since she has moved to Texas.. Things just aren't the same without her here.

Ummm... what the hell just happened?

Okay, I'm no computer whiz, that's obvious. I'm sometimes surprised at how much I can actually do.

But I do know that something went seriously wrong yesterday and of course I get to fix it. Yesterday I was doing some work (yeah, I sometimes actually have work to do!) anyway I was working on some deeds on "Floppy 1" we will call it. While doing this I realized that I needed to pull up some info from another floppy "floppy 2". So I took out floppy 1, put in floppy 2, pulled up the info and switched back to floppy 1. (I know, its confusing just be patient!) Okay, so I went to pull back up the stuff on floppy 1 and it was gone! And to top it off , instead of just being erased which then could have been restored it was overwritten by the info on floppy 2. So now I have 2 floppies with the same info and all the other info is gone! WTF!!!

I just don't understand what the hell happened... I called our IT guy and he said that he has never heard of anything like that. That usually when stuff like this happens floppy 1 would just be blank, but for the info from floppy 2 to some how be saved onto floppy one is weird. Not once did the system ask if I wanted to overwrite or delete any info. Ugh... now I get to go back and re-do all the work that I have done over the last month and a half.

Anyway, how exciting is it to finally have St. Pattys day on a friday... I will (hopefully) be drinking green beer all day.. I will be trying to convince my boss to let me leave early so I can go to the parade. I am Irish after all! We'll see if he is in a good mood or not. Maybe I will bring it up today and he will be nice enough to let me have the whole day off!!! yeah right, but I can dream cant I. A and I will be spending the day together hopefully... Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of his heart attack. Its weird to sit back and think of that day a year ago. All the thoughts that were running through my head when I found out. I couldn't believe it was happening. I mean, how many 30 years olds do you know to have a serious heart attack. And especially him, he has always been into sports and exercising... The doctors said it was all stress, hardly anything to do with his heath. I'm sure he will be in a weird mood tomorrow, I'll just have to be there to let him blow off some stress in.. oops I mean on me! ;)

Meow..

I've been so busy lately... It seems like ever since I got this second job I am hardly ever home... I work 2 nights a week, then I go to A's 2 or 3 nights a week. I feel bad for my cats. I guess I just don't have to time to be with them like I used to. I'm such a horrible mother. I'm sure they are starting to hate me. Soon I'll be coming home to a trashed house or waking up to them trying to smother me... If I quit blogging without notice you know what happened...

Speaking of cats, my sister R has been having trouble with her cats and baby Jada... I guess every time the baby cries the cats (2) start to fight. I'm sure they are feeling neglected like my cats are. My sister and her bf used to baby them and now they cant. Cats have it soo hard don't they? Ha!

I thought that once C broke up with M he would stop calling, yeah right... He calls all the time. He even told her that he would change whatever she didn't like about him. WTF?!! I used to feel bad for him, now I just feel sorry for him for being that way. I mean, they were only dating like 2 months.. I don't think I will ever understand him. Is he that pathetic that he needs to be this way. Come on, are you serious... Wake up and open your eyes dumbass! Your soft!! thats the one thing that can never change. He might as well find a very dominant woman cause that's the only type I think will enjoy his softness...

No me... No me....

Well, so much for our nice weather.... Its back down to 30 degrees today. WTF?? I hate being teased like that. 3 days of not wearing a coat, of driving with the window open, of not having to keep my heat on. I did get A out of the house on saturday. The only thing was, it was a little colder than I thought it would be so I ended up staying in the car the whole time with his son. while he played with his daughter.. So much for me getting out huh? thats okay, at least we got her out so she could run out some of that energy she has.

Friday night A and I went out for some drinks. We were having a great time... That is until we went for breakfast. I don't know what it is but everytime we go to breakfast we always end up in some deep conversation. This time it was about my missing friend... (yeah, she still hasn't shown up.. ) I took some tests, they were all negative but I know it is stressing us both out. Well, while we were eating the people next to us started having a ketchup fight. Of course I was already annoyed as it was and this was just making me even madder. I started to say something to the girls when A told me to stop. He said that he would handle it and that I shouldn't have to worry about "sticking" up for us. WTF?!?! they were females, what was he gonna do hit them? I mean, come on.... If it were guys I could understand but they were females! anyway, we were sitting there arguing over who was going to say something to these kids... No, I will.... No, I will... No! I said I will.... and we were talking loud enough for them to hear us. They were probably thinking we were crazy! Seriously, who argues over who gets to confront teenagers... Yeah, I know we have problems... but we would be boring if we didnt!

Happy Firday! oops.. I mean friday

Its finally friday!! this week has went by soo slowly.... thank goodness it is over. Now if only I didn't have to work tomorrow night, but I do. I guess I should just be happy the week is over for A. He has been so stressed this week because of some exhibition he is doing today for his company. Hopefully tonight he will be happy with how it went and will actually be able to enjoy himself. I just wish things would start looking up for him. Everything between his ex is normal for once, but now his daughter is having some problems. Lately whenever he drops her back off at her moms she has been freaking out, crying and screaming for him not to leave. Its just tearing him apart to see her like that. I wonder what happened, she wasn't like this before. Its been a long time since he has actually lived with them and for her to start acting this way now is a little confusing. He assumed it would be hard at first then she would get used to it, but I guess its the other way around. Hmm....

Its pretty funny that I wrote what I did about C yesterday. When I picked her up last night her and M had broken up. I guess she was talking to him and he heard spongebob talking in the background. Ha! what did she expect, that this would go on forever? But C being the pimp that she is, of course turned it around on him and made him feel guilty! She told him that he was too jealous... and he actually believed her! Now he thinks its his fault she broke up with him. I don't know how she does it. I guess I just don't have what it takes to be a player... She on the other hand is an expert. Maybe she should start teaching a class or something... She even admitted to him that she has never been faithful to a guy before, and he still wants to be with her. I never paid attention before, but now realize she has never been in a serious relationship. I cannot think of one guy that she actually cared enough about. I wonder if she will ever be faithful... I don't think she has it in her, she likes to bop around... The good thing is she usually tells the guys upfront. Maybe if she would have done that with M things wouldn't be where they are. Or maybe if he was a little smarter he wouldn't feel like a dumbass right now.

I like to move it move it.. she like to move it move it... we like to... move it!

Let me tell you, boy does it feel good to be back to my normal self. My crappy mood has seemed to just disappear as fast as it came! I think it has a lot to do with the weather. It is actually a whole 60 degrees here today... and will be in the low 60s all weekend! Oh, I'm soo excited!! I think maybe on saturday me and A will take the kids to the park or something... I'm so tired of just sitting at the house with them, and I know his daughter would have a great time. So I will be pushing this all weekend, if I don't I'm sure we will be sitting around watching either Madagascar, Mulan or Baby Einstein all weekend, again... which by the way I have memorized every song from!

So.... Its kinda windy here today and when I was taking the mail out to the mail box a few minutes ago, the wind blew the mail right out of my hand. Fucking wind! So here I am chasing like 5 envelopes around. And of course they had to blow right into the main street. Lucky for me there wasn't any traffic because everytime I got close to one piece it blew further away! I swear it had to have taken me 5 minutes to finally catch it all.. Oh, you shoulda seen it! It was hilarious.... I know that if I were watching someone do that I woulda been laughing soo hard!

Wow, nothing has been going on for me. My life is kinda boring this week... When I was talking to C today we had a discussion about her and the new small package she calls her bf (M). I don't know whats going on with her but I feel kinda bad for him. I mean, he is a nice guy. Actually, he is too nice for her. Hell he isn't even nice, just soft! C, and I for that matter aren't really attracted to soft guys. They have to have a little roughness in them, and he just doesn't have it. He bites his tongue, lets her do whatever and still bows down to her every want. So of course, C being back to her normal self has been seeing other guys. Yes, that is guys not just one guy! Mostly its spongebob... thats C's name for him. He is her type, more so than M will ever be. It seems like everytime I call her she is with spongebob instead of M. I don't understand how she can just lead M on. Why doesn't she just break up with him? who knows... I've asked and she never answers. I just feel badly because M has fallen for her quickly and she has no intention of actually being committed to him... She doesn't see it that way. She thinks only of herself.

Ahh.... its good to finally have her back! Its weird how I can sit here and say what a horrible person she can be, yet at the same time be happy that she is that way. Okay, maybe not happy, but I am glad to have her back to her normal self. I thought that she changed, that the whole hospital experience made her view life differently. Boy was I wrong... If anything now she looks at it like she needs to live everyday like it is her last because she never knows when the gbs will come back and she would have to spend another 6 months in the hospital. Hopefully it never comes back.

No monies for me!

Ughh!!! The government is soo fucked up! I had my meeting with the financial aid counselor today. She said that I am not eligible for dependency override because I have no written proof that I am not dependent on my parents.. WTF?!?! How about copies of my last 3 leases for my apartments. Nope, that wont work.

I need a letter from a clergy, from a school counselor, or from a judge/social worker. Okay, I have no way of getting any of those.. So what now? nothing! There is nothing I can do. Fucking bastards!! Ugh! and with me being all emotional and shit lately, of course I started crying... Not too bad just a few tears. Ya know, the ones that when you try to hold them back it just makes it worse. Yeah, I felt like an ass but that's okay!

And to top off this lovely morning, I am bitchier that ever! Dont know whats going on... I feel bad because I have been kinda mean to A the last few days. I try to cheer up, but its just not working. Hopefully this mood leaves soon. I miss being my normal self.

Is she here yet? no....

Why hasn't she shown up yet? Ugh!! this is starting to irritate me. I have already taken a home pregnancy test and it was negative. Maybe it is too early to tell, but I've learned from C that those things cant be trusted. She took 4 tests and had her period twice before finally finding out she was 2.5 months pregnant. Its just driving me crazy! I can tell that something isn't right. Usually I can tell about a week before I will get it, and now even though its already a week late those symptoms are still not here... fuck! A and I both have soo much going on. This cant be happening... I am neither financially nor emotionally stable enough for a baby.

Okay, I honestly need to get my mind off of that.. just sit here and think of something else....

Hmm... Oh, heres something weird that happened to me the other night. Friday night when I left work I was driving down the street and I just had this feeling that someone was following me. Now, I will admit that I was on the phone with A when I left work so I obviously wasn't paying attention then. So I have no idea how long this car was behind me. Okay, so I was driving down the street and the feeling was very strong. I looked behind me and there was a silver car. Before I went home I stopped and got something to eat. After I turned out of the parking lot to go home I had the same very strong feeling that someone was following me. I looked back and there was a silver car (not sure if it was the same car or not). After making one turn and seeing that the car turned also I started getting paranoid. So instead of slowing down an using my blinker when turning onto my street I acted like I was going straight and turned at the last minute. All clear! Then I walked into my apartment, into my bedroom and for some reason had this urge to look out the window. Just as I looked out a silver car parked behind mine. The driver ( a young guy, but I couldn't see his face) got out of the car stood there for about 2 seconds got back in the car and drove off... WTF?!?! It was kinda creepy. But no harm was done (except to my nerves of course!)

I never knew I could miss her that much

I sat and re-read that last post.... What was up with me? I think I was high on sleepiness!!!

I do feel much better now. Saturday I slept in until 3 PM, and it felt so good. Now that my schedule is back to normal hopefully I will be back to normal too. I am just soo happy to have that week behind me. Although, I will admit I am glad that I worked all those hours. It helped a lot to get used to the drink prices and how to make certain drinks. (you'd think with how much I go out that I would know all the drinks!)

Wednesday I have a meeting with the financial aid advisor at the college I am going to attend (again). The meeting should have been avoidable though... They are trying to tell me that because I am under 25 and don't have any children that I am still a dependent. WTF?!?! I haven't lived with my mother for over 7 years and I haven't been dependent on any one during those 7 years... I know I am a "special circumstance" but I don't understand why they couldn't have established that over the phone instead of making me come in. Its not like my story is going to change just because I will be meeting with them in person.

Hmm... what else has been going on. Oh, my monthly visitor has yet to stop by this month. She was supposed to be here a week ago! I thought she was here but I was wrong... Unless that is, she is only staying for a day this month. Hopefully she gets here soon! I'm thinking that maybe because I have been stressed and with working all those hours that she is just running behind. I guess we will see in a day or two... As much as I love A the last thing I need is a baby. I barely have time for my cats! And plus his kids are enough...

Umm... okay.

What I would give to have a 2 day weekend....

I remember when I used to dance. I made my own schedule and even if I was supposed to work one day I could call off with no repercussions... I used to be able to go with A whenever he traveled for work or go on vacations whenever I wanted. Boy I miss those days.

Now I find myself working 6 days a week about 64 hours total (except this week which will be more like 75).... Have I honestly come to a point in my life where this is it... Responsibility has kicked in and I actually realize that I need to work this much if I want the lifestyle I am accustomed to (which isnt really that nice)? Fun time is over and its time for me to begin my life. Do the things that I need to do to further better myself not only as an adult but as me! But who am I? honestly I'm not quite sure if I have figured that out yet...

To me I am just me... That's it. When I look in the mirror I see a person.. a normal, confused, exhausted, sarcastic person. To me I will always be just me. Nothing will change that! If I were to become one of the most important people, to me I would still just be me. But what does that say... Does that mean just because I don't see it - its not there?

A tells me all the time I am so negative.. and I am (hey, admitting is the first step right?). You might not see it here because I have no reason to be negative. But living my life has made me put myself in the habit of just expecting things to fall apart. If I just convince myself that ~things will not happen, so why even try?~ saves me the disappointment of being let down. I am quick to come up with a thousand reasons why I cant do something or why it would be pointless for me to try, but most of the time I cannot think of one reason why it will or why I should. Why am I like this... its a horrible trait to have. Has a life time of disappointment led me to be this person? Am I just the outcome of what horrible parenting does to a child. But I guess that horrible parenting is what made me who I am today. It is what causes me to expect so little of myself because there wasn't ever anyone there to tell me I could do it, to push me to do it, and to make me want to do it... To waste all the potential I supposedly have? To live a mediocre life and go on believing that I couldn't have had more even if I tried harder... No I cant blame that on bad parenting, I can only blame myself. I should have just known.

Who knows.... maybe the so called character A is always telling me I have will come out and help me figure all this crap out. Which I honestly don't understand the whole character thing... I mean, what the hell is character?

ok, what the hell happened... I started talking about dancing and now I've just had a session with my psychiatrist... what you want 250$ ??? ha! I should be getting the $250...

don't mind me, I'm sleep deprived!!! obviously its making me emotional. I promise I'll be normal on Monday! Have a great weekend.

Oh where, Oh where has my mind gone?

Seems I am asking myself that more and more everyday this week...

At work the other night, my boss told me that I am no longer a waitress and he is teaching me to bartend. Hey, that's okay with me... I'd much rather bartend than waitress anyway. But for some reason, he has me training a lot! I worked last night, and will work tonight, tomorrow night, and saturday night. Hmm... is that really necessary? I am going to be EXHAUSTED!!! I'm not quite sure how I am going to get through tonight with only 4 hours of sleep... Then I will have to get up tomorrow and do it all over again! By the middle of tomorrow night I am definitely going to be dead! Atleast I will be able to sleep in on saturday.

16 hour work days with 4 hours of sleep.. Hmm... seems I'm losing some valuable time here. Where are those missing 4 hours? Oh yeah.. that's right my stupid boss gave me a "break" between jobs of a whole 3 hours.. So lets do some simple math shall we..

15 minutes home from office
15 minute shower
30 minutes hair/makeup etc.. (hey I gotta look good!)
15 minutes to eat
15 minutes to drive to club

So what, that leaves me with a whole 30 minutes for a nap... Yeah right! I would wake up feeling worse than before the nap. One would think that with him knowing about my day job he would atleast have the decency to let me have until 9pm.. Oh yeah, I forgot he is a prick! He doesn't do nice things like that...

I am excited about tomorrow night though, its fantasy friday... So we get to wear a themed outfit instead of our normal uniform. I'm going as a baseball player... Hopefully the outfit turns out okay, I'm making the top myself.. I couldn't find a jersey that was.. how shall I say... risque enough... yeah that sounds good. We'll see how it comes out.. maybe if this one comes out good I can make some different ones. I'm not quite sure what to make though... (any suggestions will be very appreciated!) The other girls wear the cop, maid, fugitive costumes.. all the normal boring store bought ones. Me, I like to be different and of course have the best outfit on with the ability to say I made/designed it!