Finally...

Finally the day has come for me to leave. Oh I just cant wait to get away from this desk and actually have some fun! Three whole days to do absolutely nothing but sit in the sun and drink dirty martinis(my favorite drink). I think I''m more excited about seeing my boyfriend, its been a week since I saw him last. Its like I''m going through withdrawl or something... But I''m not looking forward to the drive; I have to ride down with his partner. He''s a nice guy, but not very punctual which is a pet peeve I have. So I have this feeling that he is going to be like an hour or two late, which will put me in a not so good mood. I am going to try very hard to not let him ruin my day, but sometimes its hard dealing with people like him.





Wish me luck at the casino.....

Blah Blah Blah....

What a gloomy day, I hate waking up to such a depressing morning. Everything is so dark and cold...Atleast we finally have some relief from the heat. I shouldnt complain though; I''d rather have 90 degree weather than our usuall shitty 70 degree summers.


On another note; my niece decided she is going to get an abortion. A decision that she made on her own; without me. Thank God!! That is 50 pounds lifted off my shoulders. My sister wouldnt let her go anywhere. For the last week she had to sit in the house and do absolutely nothing. I think when she realized that thats how her life would be from now on she decided that she is too young for a baby. I''m glad she made that decision, I mean abortions shouldnt be the answer for everyone, but when your 15 it is. Now a days it seems like a baby is like an accessorie for teenage girls. I have a friend who is 19 has a 1 year old son and is pregnant again. She can barely take care of the kid she has; what makes her think it will be easier with two? A couple of my friends have little sisters who are 15-16 with a kid; some with two. What is up with babies having babies? And the bad thing is most of them wanted a baby. Its like well all my friends have a baby, I want one too; like its the newest trend or something... I just dont understand.

Anyway, I''m so excited that tomorrow is Thursday. I cant wait to leave for the weekend. I''m only working a half day tomorrow, then I''m leaving. Three whole days away from Cleveland, and off of work. What more could I ask for? Its funny that I say that, sometimes when I read what I write I feel so much older than I am. I dont know how it is everwhere else, but in Cleveland not very many 21 year olds look forward to a 3 day weeekend. Most of them either work only part time or dont work at all. So they have nothing but time. There are so many times when I am tempted to just quit my job, go find something part time and be lazy like most of my friends. If only I could be so lucky... I barely make enough now to pay my bills. I hate having to be so responsible...

Cleveland Sucks!!!

For some reason I''m in an unusually good mood this morning. Probably because I am going out of town this weekend and I just cant wait to get out of this crappy city. If you''ve ever lived or traveled to Cleveland then you know what I am talking about. I remember when I was 15 and I had my fake ID; I used to go to the flats and it was incredible. There were hundreds of people every night, bars everywhere, you would walk down the street and not know what to do next because everything looked so fun. I just couldnt wait until I could be there legally. Well now that I am 21 everything is different. The East Bank of the flats is deserted. All the clubs, bars and restaurants are closed. All thats left is a strip club, two dance clubs and a restaurant/bar. Before in the summer you could dock your boat on the Cuyahoga river and go from bar to bar having fun; now if you go down the river all you see are boarded up windows and garbage. Its like a ghost town. Granted that we now have the Warehouse District, but its just not the same. Cleveland was known for the flats; noone had anything like it.
Thats not the only thing that has changed though. The neighborhoods are getting worse, drugs are becoming more popular and more and more girls are getting pregnant at a young age.
It seems like everytime I turn around more and more jobs are being lost. Just a month or two ago a large company was bought out and instead of the new owner keeping the jobs here, he let 2000-3000 people go. How are we "the poorest city in the United States" supposed to build our economy if people buy our businesses and take the jobs some place else? Look at the closing of LTV Steel. I personally knew 8 people to get laid off because of its shut down. Most of which took months or years to find new jobs. All the while their families are struggling to pay the bills and buy food.
Obviously some people dont seem to care about this struggling economy that is still trying to get back on its feet after Sept.11. Instead of helping the economy they rather waste millions on putting someone on mars. I dont see how that is going to benefit America at all. I think it might help Bush''s ego by having an American be the first person there, and that is why he is so set upon doing it. Honestly what gain will you or I get from a man on mars. The knowledge of knowing it could be done? What the hell do I need that for?

Another shot?

Lately I''ve been feeling very alone. Thats because most of the time I am alone. I come home most nights to my cat and I sit alone watching tv or listening to the radio. For being so young you would think that I would always have something to do. Yeah right. Now that I live alone I hardly ever go out. Before, when I lived with my old roommate it was a non stop party. But it shouldnt have been. See my roommate was 30, she had 3 kids ages 13, 11 and 8. She had them at 16, 18 and 21. So throughout most of her life she was taking care of her children. But now that the oldest one was able to babysit, she thought it was okay to go out everynight. We would tell ourselves "we wont stay out to long, we''ll just go have a drink or two". I''m not sure if you''ve ever paid attention, but when you say that, you end up staying out the whole night. Or atleast thats what we did. We would go to our local bar and start off with a cherry bomb and a corona. Before I go on let me add that I love tequila, I try not to drink it cause it makes me wild, but if its there I cant say no. So like I was saying the next thing you know, one beer and 8 shots later its getting late. One of us would mention the time, but neither of us really paid it any attention. Soon the bar is full, and of course we know everyone. So the shots keep coming. Eventually the cherry bombs turn into tequila and we are completely wasted. For most people, the good thing about bars is that they close. Well this didnt help us, it made it worse. Since we knew the owner we had after hour parties. Which meant alot more alcohol, and usually alot less clothes. See my roommate was an exotic dancer,( I used to be but thats a whole different blog) and when she would get drunk usually her shirt would come off. So there we were 4 o''clock AM drunk and we still havent been home since we dropped off dinner the night before around 8PM. Luckily for her, her daughter was very responsible and made sure her sons were sleeping early. But the bad thing for me was I had to wake up at 7am to be to work by 8:15. So most of the time when I woke up I was still drunk. This usually lasted until 10:00, thats when the hangover kicked in. There I was, trying to type with the worse hangover you could imagine. But by the time I got home and my roommate got home we would have dinner and do it all again. Now that I''m back on track and have a normal sleep schedule I wonder how the hell I did it. Honestly there would be times when I would get an hour of sleep or less in 2 days. So in a way I guess I sould be happy to be alone, noone begging me to go out, noone to pressure me to have one more shot before we go. Thank God those days are over...

Why text....

I decided that I hate text messages, all they do is screw everything up. Have you ever tried to have a conversation using only texts? It might sound easy, but think about it. You can type in something completely harmless; and whomever is reading it can interpret it a totally different way. I had texted my friend yesterday and the next thing I know she is calling me asking me why I had an attitude. I didnt understand what she was talking about until she explained it to me. Then I understood. I mean without being able to hear the tone in someones voice, a simple message can get twisted to mean something completely different.

Whats so wrong with alittle Satire?!?!

Fridays suck at my job. I work in an office as a receptionist/legal assistant for five small firms. One would think that with all these people there would be something for me to do. Yeah right... Every Friday it''s the same story, come in and watch tv or go online. I guess I shouldnt complain; alot of people would love to get paid for doing absolutely nothing. But it just makes the day drag. I''ve only been here for 5 hours including an hour lunch, but it feels like 10 hours. I hate it. I''d rather be overwhelmed with work so atleast the day would speed by. I just cant wait for the day to be over. I''m alittle sad because my boyfriend is going out of town, so I will be all alone this weekend. Which I hate, but there isnt any thing I can do.. Maybe I should be glad that I wont see him tonight. Friday nights are the worse for us. We have a tendency of going to strip clubs and one of us ends up getting very drunk. Last week was my turn, it was pretty bad. He isnt very familiar with my side of town, and on top of that I just moved a month ago. I think I ended up giving him directions to my last two apartments; before he finally realized we were about 20 minutes from my current apartment.He wasnt very happy... I dont remember much, but I heard alot about it over the next few days. But we laughed it off. Thats one of the reasons I love him so much. I can always be myself without worrying about what he thinks. I am a very playful person, which some men see as being immature, they want someone who is serious; which I am far from. Another characteristic I have is using sarcasm has humor; which I tend to do very often. Its hard to find people who understand this type of humor; you''d be surprised at the number of people who get offended by a little satire...

Men will be boys....

As I lay in bed this morning trying to get at least 10 more minutes of sleep, my phone rang. Why is it people call at the most inconvenient times? It was my ex again. He knows that if I am sleeping I dont scan my calls. A little devious or what? But I''m glad he called. I told him that I would appreciate it if he would stop calling me. He wasnt very happy with what I had to say and started with the whole "Baby I miss you, how can you act like this, you know that I love you and you just want to throw that away for someone who you think you love..." I just dont understand where he gets off telling me how I feel towards my boyfriend. Why is it that guys can be the biggest asses when they''re in a relationship; but after the break up when the woman is finally happy they want to come and ruin it. Telling her what they think she wants to hear just to get her back. The bad thing is; if the woman is stupid enough to go back, within the next 2 months everything is back to the way it was in the first place. I just don''t see the point in lying. How much can you benefit from a lie? I would rather be told te truth and be hurt; than be lied to. Because no matter what the truth will come out. And when it does it will be more painful than the truth would have been. Is the time you actually get away with the lie worth hurting someone dear to you? For me I would be so worried that the person somehow found out that I would probably end up telling the truth myself.

What was she thinking...

Well some bad news has just made my day even worse. My 15 year old niece is pregnant!!! I cant believe it, she is too young to be having sex. Yeah I know that I am young also, but atleast at that age I was smart enough to still be a virgin. My sister called me and asked me to have a talk with my niece. She thinks that because I am closer to her age that she might be able to relate to me more. I dont even know what to say.. Where do you start? I must admit that 2 1/2 years ago I was with my ex-fiance (who is in prison now...)and I became pregnant. He basically convinced me to have an abortion. I hated the idea but I did it any way. And its hard to say but I''m happy I did. With this in mind, I''m just not sure I can help her. I can share my experience but other than that I feel I am useless. My best friend Cierra is 18 and has a 2 year old son. I can tell that sometimes she thinks how much easier life would be if she would have gotten an abortion, then other times I see how happy she is to have her son. Everyone is different. I honestly dont believe I an ready for a child, but someone younger than me obviously is. I dont understand how my siser could put such a burden on my shoulder. What if what I tell her makes her think she wants an abortion, but then after she gets it she feels horrible? or what if she has the child and then realizes it was a mistake...

July 21, 2005 1:19 PM

My Life

This is my life... Sometimes I wonder what I do to get myself into some of the situations I deal with daily. Today is no exception, I talked to one of my ex boyfriends. He's been calling me non-stop for the last month. I dont understand why he couldnt call me this much when we were together. Now that I''m happy is when he decides that I'm ms.right. Sometimes I wish that I was a lesbian. My sister looked so happy with her girlfriend that I got jealous. Yeah, I love men... cant live without them. But they are so much trouble. My boyfriend is in a horrible situation, that obviously affects me. Its all about his daughter... I shouldnt be so hard on him though, its a good thing that he loves his daughter so much; but I cant help but wonder if hes telling me the truth about everything. People always say its bad to get involved with someone who has too much baggage. Well he has more than his share and my share put together. I sit and think why did I put myself in a place where I would be so damn vulnerable? I hate it. I know that I shouldnt feel this way, I sound selfish and selfcentered. But I have this problem of over analyzing things and I just cant stop...

Maybe I'm just a horrible person for dating him...Karma is a bitch right? maybe thats why bad things always happen to me...

July 21, 2005 10:58 AM