Umm... okay.
What I would give to have a 2 day weekend....
I remember when I used to dance. I made my own schedule and even if I was supposed to work one day I could call off with no repercussions... I used to be able to go with A whenever he traveled for work or go on vacations whenever I wanted. Boy I miss those days.
Now I find myself working 6 days a week about 64 hours total (except this week which will be more like 75).... Have I honestly come to a point in my life where this is it... Responsibility has kicked in and I actually realize that I need to work this much if I want the lifestyle I am accustomed to (which isnt really that nice)? Fun time is over and its time for me to begin my life. Do the things that I need to do to further better myself not only as an adult but as me! But who am I? honestly I'm not quite sure if I have figured that out yet...
To me I am just me... That's it. When I look in the mirror I see a person.. a normal, confused, exhausted, sarcastic person. To me I will always be just me. Nothing will change that! If I were to become one of the most important people, to me I would still just be me. But what does that say... Does that mean just because I don't see it - its not there?
A tells me all the time I am so negative.. and I am (hey, admitting is the first step right?). You might not see it here because I have no reason to be negative. But living my life has made me put myself in the habit of just expecting things to fall apart. If I just convince myself that ~things will not happen, so why even try?~ saves me the disappointment of being let down. I am quick to come up with a thousand reasons why I cant do something or why it would be pointless for me to try, but most of the time I cannot think of one reason why it will or why I should. Why am I like this... its a horrible trait to have. Has a life time of disappointment led me to be this person? Am I just the outcome of what horrible parenting does to a child. But I guess that horrible parenting is what made me who I am today. It is what causes me to expect so little of myself because there wasn't ever anyone there to tell me I could do it, to push me to do it, and to make me want to do it... To waste all the potential I supposedly have? To live a mediocre life and go on believing that I couldn't have had more even if I tried harder... No I cant blame that on bad parenting, I can only blame myself. I should have just known.
Who knows.... maybe the so called character A is always telling me I have will come out and help me figure all this crap out. Which I honestly don't understand the whole character thing... I mean, what the hell is character?
ok, what the hell happened... I started talking about dancing and now I've just had a session with my psychiatrist... what you want 250$ ??? ha! I should be getting the $250...
don't mind me, I'm sleep deprived!!! obviously its making me emotional. I promise I'll be normal on Monday! Have a great weekend.
I remember when I used to dance. I made my own schedule and even if I was supposed to work one day I could call off with no repercussions... I used to be able to go with A whenever he traveled for work or go on vacations whenever I wanted. Boy I miss those days.
Now I find myself working 6 days a week about 64 hours total (except this week which will be more like 75).... Have I honestly come to a point in my life where this is it... Responsibility has kicked in and I actually realize that I need to work this much if I want the lifestyle I am accustomed to (which isnt really that nice)? Fun time is over and its time for me to begin my life. Do the things that I need to do to further better myself not only as an adult but as me! But who am I? honestly I'm not quite sure if I have figured that out yet...
To me I am just me... That's it. When I look in the mirror I see a person.. a normal, confused, exhausted, sarcastic person. To me I will always be just me. Nothing will change that! If I were to become one of the most important people, to me I would still just be me. But what does that say... Does that mean just because I don't see it - its not there?
A tells me all the time I am so negative.. and I am (hey, admitting is the first step right?). You might not see it here because I have no reason to be negative. But living my life has made me put myself in the habit of just expecting things to fall apart. If I just convince myself that ~things will not happen, so why even try?~ saves me the disappointment of being let down. I am quick to come up with a thousand reasons why I cant do something or why it would be pointless for me to try, but most of the time I cannot think of one reason why it will or why I should. Why am I like this... its a horrible trait to have. Has a life time of disappointment led me to be this person? Am I just the outcome of what horrible parenting does to a child. But I guess that horrible parenting is what made me who I am today. It is what causes me to expect so little of myself because there wasn't ever anyone there to tell me I could do it, to push me to do it, and to make me want to do it... To waste all the potential I supposedly have? To live a mediocre life and go on believing that I couldn't have had more even if I tried harder... No I cant blame that on bad parenting, I can only blame myself. I should have just known.
Who knows.... maybe the so called character A is always telling me I have will come out and help me figure all this crap out. Which I honestly don't understand the whole character thing... I mean, what the hell is character?
ok, what the hell happened... I started talking about dancing and now I've just had a session with my psychiatrist... what you want 250$ ??? ha! I should be getting the $250...
don't mind me, I'm sleep deprived!!! obviously its making me emotional. I promise I'll be normal on Monday! Have a great weekend.
posted by lilly at 2:08 PM
Wait a minute, did you lift this post from my blog? LOL! Oh what can I tell you...I'm 41 and I still don't know the answers to the questions you ask. I look back and think how I really wasted so many years, my college education, how I still don't know what I want to do. I think about going back to school and ALWAYS find a way to talk myself out of it, you're too old, you'll graduate when you 90, Then what? I'll look for some entry level position at that age? I can relate to what you've written here completely. I just don't know what the answers are to help you out. Disappointment, especially years of it that have built up, can really put a nasty stain on one's life. Maybe we need to get some bleach and start trying to eliminate it. Maybe then we can move on. In the meantime, you have us.
I don't see you as a negative person from your blog. I see you as striving for what you want in life and trying to find a path to get there. And being totally stressed by the working hours. Geez!!
But I'm with ya on the thinking it will not happen so I'm not disappointed. I HATE getting my hopes up about something and then it doesn't work out.
Hey, your blog is your shrink, just a helluva lot cheaper!
Oh sometimes we all need to vent and our blogs are the perfect avenue to unload our emotions. I hope your weekend got a little better and you have a great week.