Who needs a thigh master....

Another night another 1000 stairs....

I had to work again last night, it wasn't as bad as saturday. I was the only waitress though, and of course some people wanted VIP... So up and down the stairs I went. You guys were right about the work out, man my legs and feet have been killin me the last couple of days! But I'm not complaining. I liked being the only waitress it makes everything that much easier because you always know whats going on and who should need a drink. Your not running around asking people who just got drinks if they need a new one..

The only thing I didn't like was cleaning up after.. Oh, it was disgusting! For the most part it was normal shit like washing off the table and cleaning the mirrors on the stage. But unfortunately for me the dishwasher was broken so I had to do the dishes. And the thing with me is I don't do dishes...okay, I mean I do my dishes, but I have a system as to how I do them. First off I never use "dish water" I have this weird thing about me where I cant put my hand in water that is not clear. So for my dishes I use one of those sponge sticks where you put the liquid soap in the handle and it comes out of the sponge.. (those are great!) Of course they don't do that there, and I had to put my hand in that nasty water. I honestly thought for a second that I was going to be sick. And I know some of you out there are probably thinking what a snotty stuck up girl she must be if she cant even put her hand in dish water. Well fuck you! I don't care; if that makes me stuck up then call me Ms. Diva! some people have phobias of animals, snakes whatever... mine is of dirty dish water.. Especially when the food touches my hand.. eww... The bad thing is its only food. Why do I freak out sooo badly? I just don't get it.. I tell myself its only food, there isn't anything it can do to hurt me, I guess its a mind thing because it gives me the chills just thinking about it... I ended up getting home around 3:15 but couldn't fall asleep til 4. So I'm running on fumes right now, don't mind me! I think I've yawned about 1000 times since I got in the office this morning...

So I'm still counting down the days, and they seem to be dragging along.. Is friday ever gonna come? It feels like I still have soo much to do before we leave, yet I don't know what. I guess I'm going to pack tonight since I have to work again tomorrow night and thursday I will be running around with A since he will just be getting back from detroit that night and will have a lot of laundry/packing/everything else to do.. I really wanted to go out thursday with C and some other friends since it is my bday and all, but I doubt I'm gonna want to be on the plane friday AM with a hangover. My luck I'd get stuck next to some 500lb guy with the worse BO ever, or next to a crying baby or something.

Vegas Baby!!

Finally the week has come... for my birthday!!!

I am so excited to get the hell outta here! I cant wait until Friday! I'm sure this week will go by extremely slow though..

Atleast I will be busy so my mind will be on other things. I started my other job last week. It wasn't that bad thursday but saturday was a nightmare! I've never worked soo hard for such a small amount of money.

The night started off slow, it didn't start picking up until about 11:30. Now let me explain the VIP. It is up about 25 stairs and costs 100$ either spent by buying a bottle of champagne or 100$ worth of drinks.. Gratuity is NOT included. If the customer doesn't spend the whole 100$ the bar keeps the rest. Lucky for me I ended up stuck with all the VIP tables except 1. One might think that since these guys are going into VIP they plan on spending money.. WRONG!

So for my first table there were 6 guys and they had 2 dancers with them. Common sense would be that every time I went to get a drink for them (all the way down stairs) that I would be getting 8 drinks. Nope, this is how it was. Only one person would need a drink, so I would go down all 25 stairs get the drink, go back up the 25 stairs and give it to them. Then of course, someone else would need a drink so I would do the same thing over and over. This went on for about 3 hours with this table, I think all together they tipped me 25$, not too bad. Then because I already had a table up there I got stuck with the next VIP table. This time it was simpler only 3 guys... But these asses didn't even tip me at all! WTF!!??!?! Then, because this dumb whore told the door guy to give me the last VIP table (which was supposed to be hers) I got stuck with another one. This time it was just like the first, about 6-7 guys and 3 dancers. And again, everytime I got a drink it was just one. The only difference this time was that most of the guys were broke only one guy was paying, so he was the only one tipping me and only when I got him a drink.

I think I had to have walked up and down those stairs atleast 200 times. really... I'm not exaggerating at all. And of course the downstairs was packed! So everytime I said something to the manager about me not being tipped all he had to say was "well you can wait on people down here too!" How the hell was I supposed to wait on anyone down there when I had to keep running back up those fucking stairs to take care of some broke losers?

By the end of the night I honestly thought my feet were on fire, they have never hurt sooo bad! And I only made 50$ WTF!!!

Who am I ?

Okay, so I'm bored.... I have nothing better to do than to shed some light on the person ya'll know as lilly...

101 things about me and my life!

1. I love useless facts
2. I name my animals after disney characters.
3. I have 2 cats names miko (the pug from pocahontas (sp?)) and lilo (from lilo and stitch)
4. I am the youngest of 4 girls.
5. when I was in the womb the doctors told my mother that if she had me I would be mentally retarded! WTF?
6. I own over 35 pairs of shoes.
7. I only have 1 pair of tennis shoes.
8. I took honors classes in middle and high school..
9. I enjoy being artistic..
10. I once dated my art teachers son.
11. I once dated a guy in MENSA.
12. My boyfriend now is 10 years older than me.
13. I love older men!
14. I now have black hair
15. I once had my hair 20 different shades at once.. (Nothing drastic, very subtle!)
16. I always dye my own hair and am very good at it.
17. My hair once turned green from my pool and it wouldn't come out for 6 months!
18. My real grandfather was hit by a train.
19. My mother has 7 brothers and sisters.
20. My father is a jackass!
21. I have a half sister that I have never met.
22. I have kissed a couple girls..
23. I lost my virginity at 16.
24. I didn't have my first orgasm until I was 19.
25. My ex-fiance was called the "kingpin" of cleveland.
26. I have 4 tattoos.
27. I had a pierced nipple, bellybutton and nose.
28. I have wrestled in pudding and bubblebath.
29. I danced for a total of 2.5 years
30. I can be very ornery...
31. I like smart asses!
32. My boyfriend is a smart ass.
33. I am not attracted to skinny guys, they have to be atleast double my weight.
34. I am 5'5 140lbs.
35. I am the tallest of my sisters.
36. I once worked for an insurance broker
37. I cant swim.
38. I can speak well in front of crowds
39. I'm in debt
40. I LOVE football!
41. I cant sing...
42. I love my cats more than most people.
43. My house caught on fire before.
44. My cat honey saved my life from that fire!!!
45. I had to get rid of honey and miss her soooo much!
46. When I was young I looked like a boy.
47. I am obsessed with counting things.
48. I recently learned how to knit.
49. I am a procrastinator.
50. I hate people who are always running late.
51. I love white wine.
52. I am very sarcastic
53. I think sarcasm is humor
54. I took a guys virginity.. (I will never do that again!)
55. I have never been in a fight with a girl
56. I have been in a fight with a guy
57. I do not look like anyone in my family
58. I had diverticulitious
59. It hurt like hell!
60. Vampires turn me on
61. I was felt up by a porn star before..
62. I am quiet around people I do not know.
63. I will NEVER go to a restaurant or bar alone!!
64. I mumble alot
65. I always put everyone else before me.
66. I can not pronounce massachusetts
67. I rock myself to sleep at night
68. I hate my name
69. I HATE onions and mushrooms
70. I am very punctual
71. Once I almost drowned in my bathtub, and was saved by my sister!
72. I am not into politics
73. I didn't vote, but now am kicking myself in the ass for not voting against bush!
74. I enjoy play wrestling with people
75. I can speak with my eyes.
76. I would have won prettiest eyes in highschool, but later found out it was rigged and that's why I lost.
77. I lost contact with all of my friends from school
78. I was a class clown
79. I was the president of the art club
80. I was only president because I was dating the teachers son.
81. I have my name in 24 karat gold on a mural in the school!
82. I broke my middle fingers 3 times playing football
83. I can be lazy
84. I am very loyal
85. I do not trust many people
86. I am dependable
87. I was once arrested for telling the truth but the cops thought I was lying.
88. I don't keep many friends for a long time
89. I have over 50 cousins and speak to none of them
90. my ass and feet are always cold like ice
91. my ass is ticklish.. ( I have no idea why..)
92. I judge part of a guys looks on his ankles!
93. My dancer name was Athena
94. I love fashion and often "touch up" my clothes with my own personal touches
95. I have gained 20 lbs in the last year
96. I once had a job cleaning out fish tanks
97. my favorite food is stuffed cabbage rolls
98. I am very girly
99. But I don't mind getting dirty!! I love the outdoors
100. my favorite color is black
101. I really don't care... I just go with the flow!

Damn, I cant believe you read all that crap! Well atleast you know have some incite on the person that I am! Hope you enjoyed it...

Yeah, I admit we have problems...

So it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be...

Thats because lucky for me my father was out of town!! It was actually nice to see some of my family that I haven't seen in over 6-7 years. And to re-meet some of my family that I haven't seen since I was about 6 or 7... Its bad that this is the way we had to be reunited, but what can ya do?

Of course it was good to see my cousins (whom I despise by the way; because they are the type that think they are way better than us even though they came from the same family and neighborhoods)... It was good to see them because they have all gotten fat.. Not that there is anything wrong with people who are over weight, its just good to see them fat! See, my cousins and my sisters and I don't get along... its like we are always competing against each other even though we never see each other. Its hard to explain, its just a gossip thing I guess. Its like... okay, now that we have seen them and kinda caught up on everything; the car ride home is nothing but gossip and pretty much bad mouthing the others and its the same for them...

don't cha just love family!!!

Then you have the guy who just brags soo much.. All he (my cousin) did was sit there and brag to my brother-in-law about some stupid bike that he bought... Okay, he isn't rich so how can he afford a 35,000$ motorcycle you might ask? actually its kinda funny... see, his wife was caught steeling money from the government here in cleveland. Yeah, she was all over the news and everything.

But don't forget, they are better than I am... HA!!

But the award for the best story of the night goes out to my cousin P... She is the main one who walks with her nose stuck in the air... acting like her shit doesn't stink... Well, lately there have been rumors in my family that she has this new guy who is so great.. blah blah blah.. Turns out this guy is older than her father, with white hair and looks like humpty dumpty...You know, the kinda guy that's shaped exactly like the penguin from Batman... Oh, I just about lost it when I seen him... but I didn't, I stayed respectful to my late uncle.

I know I am a horrible person, the last thing that should have been on my mind were things like that. But hey, what did you expect. Yes I did love my uncle and I am sad that he died, but this is how my family is... just a little sick and twisted.. But really, whose not?

In loving memory...

Its just one of those days, where I am bored as hell... Nothing to do and nothing to blog about.

BLAH!!!

And to top it off its such a gloomy day. I have to leave work at 4 because I have to go to my uncle K's funeral this afternoon. I'd rather not go at all, but I have to pay my respects. I guess I feel kinda guilty that I'm not as sad as I should be. I mean, he is my uncle. But I haven't seen him in over 10 years... He didn't even come to my grandfathers funeral. I really have no idea who he is... Well, I do know that he was a very bad alcoholic. He basically lived at the bar with one of my other uncles. Between the two of them they probably drank enough liquor to get the whole US military buzzed...

I do have some memories of him though.... I remember watching him sit around my grandparents table playing poker with my other uncles, smoking his pipe... ohh how I loved the smell of that pipe... I remember that he always smelled like pabst blue ribbon beer.. I remember he made me take my first sip of beer (yes, pabst blue ribbon... YUK!) when I was about 7 or 8... He said if I didn't like the taste then, then hopefully I would never drink it again.. Boy was he wrong! And I also remember that I always thought he was creepy because in a freak accident at work 5 of his 10 fingers were cut off... Not all the way just 2/3 of the way.. actually it still kinda freaks me out...

Another reason I don't want to go is the fact that I'm sure my father will be there. Hopefully he wont recognize me and I can just ignore him.. Yeah, that might have actually worked if his stupid wife wouldn't have taken pictures at the baby shower... Dumb broad! now I'm stuck... Maybe I can just act like I didn't see him... Or just act.. shit I don't know, I'm out of ideas!

So here's to you uncle K...

Tag me....

Thanks to Apos I get to do this lovely survey... Not that I'm complaining, I mean, who doesn't love these things! I know I do!!!

3 names you answer to:
Pam

Pamela

Athena (Yes, I am the greek goddess of wisdom and war!)

3 parts of your heritage:
American Indian

Irish

who the hell knows, I'm a fucking mutt!

3 things that scare me:
Nightmare on Elm Street movies...

being raped by a cop ( I know its a little weird, I cant help it... They are able to get away with soo much)

Alzheimers

3 of your everyday essentials:
lip gloss

my necklace from my bf.. I feel naked without it!

black eyeliner.. The best makeup invention ever!!!

3 things you are wearing right now:
black dress pants

black shoes

button up blouse

3 of your favorite songs:
Breathe - Anna Nalick

At Last - Etta James

hmm... lets think of something new, those are old..

Unpredictable - Jamie Foxx

3 things you want in a relationship (other than real love):
Good.... no GREAT sex!

laughter

friendship

2 truths and 1 lie (in any order):
My father is the best dad in the whole wide world!! ha!

I have blue eyes

I've never been on a motorcycle

3 things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
strength

smell

eyes

3 of your favorite hobbies:
drawing

knitting - I'm just learning how!

shopping (YES, that IS a hobby- atleast it is for me :) )

3 places you want to go:
Cambodia - really anywhere is Asia

anywhere with a black sand beach

Texas to see my mom..

3 things you want to do before you die:
Scuba dive/swim with dolphins

have a family of my own... I want to be that soccer mom!

open a boutique

3 ways that you are stereotypically a male/female:
I love hair, makeup, nails etc..

I change my mind alot!!

I love for my bf to compliment me...

3 people you would like to take this survey:

Whose left? I hate this since my pc at home is broken I never know what has happened over the weekend... I dont want to double tag someone so WHOEVER hasn't done this- TAG your it... and if you think that you can be sneaky and don't do it cause I didn't officially tag you... Watch OUT I'll eventually find out!

Blah blah blah

What a dull weekend...

I didn't do anything. Friday A (the bf) and I just stayed at his house and watched ghost. I had forgotten most of the parts so it was like watching it for the first time. It was okay, the whole ghosts coming out of the shadows was kinda corny though...

Then on saturday I went and visited my baby Jada. Oh, she is getting so big... well not really. She is only 9lbs... I just keep putting into perspective that some babies are born at 9-10 lbs, some even bigger... and she is just now weighing that at 2 months. But she is so friggin adorable! I love her so much....

Then on Sunday I just went to watch the games with A... GO SEAHAWKS!!!!!! They better kick ass because I will be sooo mad if the Steelers win. Ughh... I'm already mad that they're going in the first place... I was actually kinda surprised how the games went. Both games were dominated by one team, which I wasn't expecting.. I was happy that the seahawks played so good but to see Pittsburgh play like that made me sick, and to top it off the bar we were at was filled with nothing but steelers fans.

Oh, I also got my new outfit for my waitressing job... Its just a black skirt, black bustier and black boots.. Of course I had to spruce it up alittle with some of my own touches so I added some layers of white lace under the skirt and I'm thinking about some ways to touch up the bustier cause its a little plain... Theres really not much I can do though. Oh well... I'll still look good!

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....

Feel like shit? eh, just a little......

I went out last night with C and my friend T. The night started out okay... I guess it ended okay too.. But I did learn that my friend T is crazy when it comes to men.

I posted about her before when her bf of 2 years cheated on her (and is now dating) her "best" friend. Well since then she has been dating some guy Eric.. they were dating for a couple months when he proposed to her and she said yes. Now let me just say that these two knew nothing about each other... They didn't know the little things that your supposed to know, like she had no idea that he didn't eat steak. Come on, how are you going to be engaged to someone and not know that. Or she didn't know where he lived or worked... Only what he does for a living. So its obvious that this relationship was doomed from the beginning..

Last night, she made me and C ride with her to some corny bar in Mentor (atleast 40 minutes from my). When we walked in all we did was use the bathroom then we left... A waste of 1.5 hours? hell yes! Then on the way home (while me and C are already irritated from going all the way there) she decides she wants to find his house... Okay, that wouldn't be a problem if they were still together... but they broke up 2 weeks ago! WTF?!!? why do you want to find it now? Don't you think its a little too late? dumb bitch...

So after driving up and down this street for like 20 minutes some how she finally finds his house. (actually she talked his other girlfriend into giving her his address) Do you know what this bitch does? You wont believe it.... She turns around and drives home. WTF!!!!! you have got to be kidding me right? We just searched for his house like the dude was on americas most wanted or something and this chick is just gonna turn around and go home.... I just Don't get it... That was the most pointless thing I have ever done in my whole life!

Once we finally get back to cleveland we go to our regular bar.... While there we were celebrating C's birthday.. Okay, it really wasn't her birthday just the birthday of the girl on her fake ID... (shes young) Remember that C just got out of the hospital for being paralyzed for 6 months... she didn't want to take her wheelchair so she was only using a crutch... Not even 2 crutches just one... Anyway, she ends up getting sooo drunk. I guess these guys kept buying her shots, whatever I have no idea. But by the end of the night she could barely stand up and it didn't help that her ankles were hurting from trying to dance all night. So we go to the bathroom and I'm trying to help her but she wouldn't let me, she kept saying she could do it and for me to leave her alone... So I did... She was in the stall and the next thing I know she falls through the door lands on her stomach with her pants and underwear down to her ankles. I was trying so hard not to laugh (I knew she wasn't hurt, come'on I'm not that bad of a friend) I tried to help her up but she just sat right back down on the floor with no pants on.. Finally I was able to convince her to let me put her pants back on. Luckily there was no one else in there!

After going to my house and eating, then arguing with C because she thought she ordered food too but she didn't, and putting her to bed I think I finally went to sleep at like 3:30...

Oh, and you know what else, it feels so good to actually be able to remember the whole night... I'm really liking this no shot rule.... Being too drunk is so 1994....

I'm back!!!

So I'm going back to my old ways......

Okay, not really but I am headed back to the strip club. Not as a dancer though, just a waitress. I'm pretty excited about it. Last night I had to take C to work; she is the door girl at the club she danced at before getting sick. I worked there maybe for one or two nights before so I kinda knew the manager. When he came in last night I asked for the job and got it just like that. I'll be working 2-3 nights a week from 8pm to about 2-2:30 am. I know that I am going to be tired but I'm sure I can handle it. I really need the extra money....

Besides, working in a strip club is probably the best job to have. I mean, good music, a fun atmosphere, a lot of people just having a good time and the work is soo easy. It will also satisfy my need for excitement. That was one great thing about dancing, I was always in the "bar" atmosphere so it pretty much satisfied all my urges to go out. And to be honest sitting here all day, then just going home at night is really getting old. Hell I'm young I'm supposed to be having fun not being a hermit! Ever since I lost my purse in November I haven't went out unless it was with the bf and that is usually on Fridays (except on new years eve) then Saturday I usually just sit at home bored...

I cant take it any longer!!!! I need to be me again... I need the fun, the hustle, the skimpy clothes, and the naked women of the strip club.... Its who I am and I am not ashamed to say it!!! People can criticize all they want... Criticize the strippers and judge them based upon their job only... But in all honesty some of the most eccentric, honest and trustworthy people I have ever met were strippers. They're not as bad as every assumes... so what they take their clothes off... Atleast its a legal job, its not like they are selling their bodies (although some do.. but not all!) To me I think its the perfect job. It makes you feel powerful, it builds your self esteem tremendously, its a great workout, and not to mention the money is phenomenal!

I think some people (mostly women, and especially married ones) who haven't been to a strip club have this idea of what its like, so they get jealous and don't let their men go to any.. They probably think that the girls are all drunk, being slutty, with the guys being able to touch them and do what ever they want... But that is sooo wrong! First off, at most places the girls are limited on their drinks, or they're really only drinking juice but pretend its alcohol so the guys think they are drunk (it plays into the game). And if a girl gets too drunk the manager will most likely send them home. Secondly, NO TOUCHING IS ALLOWED!!! it doesn't matter who the guy is NO touching! In most cases not only will the guy get thrown out, but the girl will be fined for letting him do it... (unless of course she stops him) usually this fine is around $70... so is it really worth letting some jackass touch me? NO!! Lastly, if your worried about your man cheating on you, the strip club is where you want him to go! Think about it.... 90% of the time the girls are NOT going to go home with any men, they might tell them they will, but that's just the "game" of being a dancer... Its not true! At a regular bar its more like 90% of the single women will go home with men... So which odds are better. Letting him see naked women who you can be assured it will only be looking then him coming home to you or sending him to a regular bar where the girls get wasted and if he really wants to take one to a hotel for a one night stand most likely he will?? Hmm.... tough choice?

What the hell happened, this was supposed to be a post about my new job, not me defending strippers.... Whatever, I just had to make a point... Strippers aren't that bad, they're not out to steal you man, and most aren't whores.... just so you know!

what happens in cleveland - stays in vegas!

Well this month is almost over and slowly approaching is my trip to Vegas... I'm not really as excited as I was before. Things have changed, and now I'm worried that me and the jackass bf aren't going to have fun together. Things are already starting between us about it.

Last night we were talking about it, all he kept talking about was gambling. Yeah, I enjoy gambling too just not as much as him. He can sit and play texas hold'em for hours and hours. I understand he wants to play, but if he expects me to sit and wait for him everyday to play, he has a rude awaking coming!! No fucking way am I going to spend my birthday/anniversary trip alone. WTF do I look like?

I just know this is going to start an argument. I'll be nice and give him one day, I mean I really cant say no-he is paying for everything. But I think one day is fair enough. I should be a bitch and not let him gamble at all..... He is still supposed to be kissing my ass; and since this week was useless because he is out of town all week(there hasn't been any ass smoochin going on) he needs to make it up to me. Sometimes I feel like since I have forgiven him that he thinks everything should automatically go back to normal.... Could he be anymore wrong?!?! I should have thought this whole trip thing over a little more and just had him take me to aruba or something. Honestly, what the hell was I thinking? who knows, I musta been smokin some good shit!

What I am excited about is that my friend Tone is getting out of prison today. He has to go to a halfway house for a couple of months but that's better than prison...(yeah, I know I have alot of friends in prison... ) The reason he went was soo stupid. Not drugs or anything like that.. One day him, his cousin and a friend got drunk and stupid. His cousin had a gun and ended up shooting some guys house (he was fighting with the guy). How fucking stupid is that? well my friend had gun powder on his hands too so he got in trouble also. Anyway, I cant wait to see him, its been 2.5 years and so much has changed... I cant wait to see what he looks like, or for him to see me... ( I look completely different than I did then) Hopefully he has learned something while in there and doesn't come out acting the way he did before. Maybe he will actually have a head on those shoulders and do something with his life! I would hate to see him ruin it again, he's getting chance to start over. Something that a lot of people would kill for. I know I would...

Look your fear in the eye!

I just wanted to thank everyone for their support on my last post. I really appreciate everyone here and you guys have given me the much needed words of advice that my friends could not; since they had a biased opinion about the whole thing. Advice can mean so much more coming from strangers...

Anyway, things are looking better. We are trying to work things out, but its going to be a long process for me to rebuild my trust. The first couple of days were the hardest. At the time I honestly wasn't sure if we could ever get past this. It was one of those things where everytime I looked at him I literally got sick to my stomach. As much as he has apologized (and as cliche as it sounds) sorry didn't do it, his apologies meant nothing. He realizes that this was something that truly hurt me and has been doing some much needed ass kissing to make up for that. (though he could be doing more !)

I think this weekend was what made me realize that I can get past this. We were put in the position where I had to confront the "lie" face to face and neither of us were sure what would happen. It turned out pretty well. Actually, I'm kinda shocked at how well it turned out. Going into it I thought there would be some hostility on my part, but there wasn't. I embraced the problem head on, and it felt really good. Hopefully he has realized this also... We haven't spoke much about it over the weekend, so I'm not sure on his whole intake on my reaction.

What can I say, this has been the largest obstacle that we have had to conquer, though I wish it wouldn't have happened I guess I'm kinda happy that it did. It has shown me that my love for him is true. (I already knew, but a little proof doesnt hurt!) It proved that we can get past the big things and not let them destroy us.

Obviously, its not over, there are still some hard feelings. And me being the sarcastic bitch that I am, remind him everyday what an ass he was... okay maybe more like 3-4 times a day...(but hey, I'm allowed!) I need the satisfaction of reminding him that although I have forgiven him, this will never be forgotten....

Misery loves company...

If that's the case than I should be surrounded by people right now....

I've mentioned my bf "A" a couple times, I've even dedicated a post to him over at blogster. I've never really explained much about our relationship or anything so I guess I have to start from the beginning so you can fully understand my dilemma today.

About 2-2.5 years ago I met him. I was at a very difficult time in my life, still "with" my ex R who was in prison at the time. It had been one year since R first went to prison and we obviously weren't getting along and I was physically and emotionally lonely. When I met A at first it was just a lust thing. He is a very attractive man and everything that I could ever want. We dated for about 3 months. During that time I honestly came to love him. I know its fast but he just seemed like that missing puzzle piece that completed me.

With things not going well with his ex, I couldn't handle our "relationship" any longer and I broke it off. At the time it was obvious that he didn't want that. Though he might not have admitted to loving me I know that he did have strong feelings towards me. As hard as it was for me to let him go, deep down I knew that it had to be done.

After our breakup I got out of control. I started drinking everyday, and I mean drinking. I hit an all time low. That is when I got my DUI, and two weeks later crashed my car. I wasn't myself.... Soon I couldn't pay my bills or rent so I moved out of my apartment and in with a friend.

For the next couple of months life was just one big party. Out every night drinking away the pain that I still felt in my heart for him.

Soon 6 months have flown by and for a couple of weeks I have been dying to call him. I just couldn't get the balls to actually dial the number. One night my roommate and I were having a party. I was pretty drunk and I called, he didn't answer so I left a message just saying hi..

Later in the night he called me back and hearing his voice made my heart jump! I was still dancing at the time and asked him if he would come see me one day. A week or so later he did. When I seen him it felt like we never parted. All the feelings that I had came rushing back.... and I could tell they did for him also. He was still having problems with his ex-but I was determined to not let that interfere with our relationship this time.

Time passes and we are brought to present time... I love him to death. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for him. I also know that he loves me. But now things have changed. Yesterday I found out that he betrayed me. During the time that we were apart he did something that I just cannot believe he did. And to top it off I just found out. It hurts me so bad to think that all this time has just been a big lie. He keeps reassuring me that its not a lie, he just never told me about it. And that in no way had it ever affected our relationship.. Everything about us has been true this is just a secret that he felt he had to keep from me.

But to me it has affected us. It honestly broke my heart yesterday when he told me it was true. He claims the reason he didn't tell me about it in the beginning is that he knew I would never have given him a second chance. What can I say, in no way would I have even thought of starting our relationship if I knew this.

And that is why I'm torn. This really doesn't effect me just my trust in him... And when he asked me if I would rather have had him tell me and us not be together I couldn't answer because I don't know. I hate that he kept this from me, but at the same time I love him sooo much. I couldn't imagine him not being in my life. But everytime I think about it it makes me so fucking livid! I feel so betrayed, that I couldn't even look him in the eyes last night. I didn't even want him touch me but at the same time I couldn't push him away...

I don't want to end things because of this. But I don't know if or when I will ever be able to trust him again...

Love fucking sucks!!!

Waterfall....

What a boring tuesday.... Nothing to do but sit here and fuck around! blah....

So after adding some pics to my page (don't ya just love happy bunny... he always tell the truth) I was thinking about what to blog. Nothing came to mind so I am just going to give shanon the rules to waterfall...

To start place all cards in the center of a table face down... mix around into a large pile.

After you pick a card keep it do not place it back in the pile!

Be sure to use your imagination!!! the more creative the players are the harder the game is!


cards action

2-5- "social" - everyone has to take one drink

6- whomever pulls this card must take 6 drinks

7 & 8- "category" for example- name brands of shoes, clothes, etc. You start with the
person to the right of whomever pulled the card and go in a circle. The first to
repeat an answer or not have an answer must take one drink.

9- "rhyme" same idea as 7-8 but with words that rhyme

10- "thumbmaster" this one is kinda tricky... whomever has this card is
the thumbmaster until someone picks another 10. As the
thumbmaster you can place your on the table (kinda like your pushing
a button) whenever and as often as you'd like. The last person to put
their thumb on the table has to take one drink.

Jack- Whomever picks this card chooses one person to take one drink

Queen- All the ladies take one drink

King- All the guys take one drink

Ace- Whoever picks an ace gets to make up ANY rule they would like. For
example they can make a rule where noone can say the words drink,
drank, or drunk (that's the most common rule because its very hard to
not say those words while playing) Some other common rules are; no
elbows on the table, no words beginning with any certain letter, etc. Whoever
does not "obey" the rule must take a drink or maybe more if there is
a rule for that.There is no end to the possibilities of these rules. They affect
all players including the person who made the rule and last the entire
game. When another ace is pulled you cannot make a rule to "cancel" out
another rule already made. All rules must be valid until the end of the game!!!


Well that's about it, sounds kinda confusing but its a lot of fun. There really isn't a winner, I guess the person who lasts the longest wins....

Its her parrttyyyy she can dance if she wants too....

Suprisingly this weekend turned out pretty fun...

With C out of the hospital, but still not able to walk alone I decided to throw her a welcome home party. Something that was not easy for me to do... I have this problem with people being in my house, I hate when there are more than like 4 people there. I have no idea why but I have always been like this.

The party started off with only 5 of us at about 8pm. By 9:30 we were already headed back to the liquor store. Yeah, we were pretty drunk! We started off playing spades but soon we were playing this drinking game called waterfall... its probably the most exciting drinking game I've ever played. Its not one of those boring games where its all by chance or skill. Its more based on of how much can you remember, your vocabulary, reflexes and creativity! I love it, but it gets you DRUNK!!

By about 10-10:30 there were probably 10-15 people there. I know that's not a lot for a party but my apartment is small and like I said I don't like having people in my house. It was bothering me with them all there but C was having a great time... that's all that matters.

After we played cards everyone started dancing and being crazy... This guy B was dancing on my table, drinks were being spilt everywhere, everyone trying to talk over everyone else who were already talking over the music (which was probably too loud!) and some girl that is a friend of a friends being a fucking whore.... it was crazy! Everyone was pretty wasted except C, she only drank a little but she was buzzed. She even got up and was trying to dance with her walker. She used to be a very good dancer so she was trying to see what she could still do. There were a couple times I thought she was going to fall but our friends were always there to make sure she didn't.


By the end of the night I started being a bitch I guess. I don't really recall what I was saying but according to some friends I wasn't being very nice to certain people. I think it was because on top of all the alcohol I didn't what some of them there, but at the same time didn't want to kick them out.. I mean, it technically wasn't my party.

Other than that, everyone had fun! I'm sure my neighbors weren't too happy but fuck; C will only have to get out of the hospital after a 6 month visit once.... hopefully!

The next morning my house was TRASHED!!! It took me about 3 hours to clean... and of course I did it alone... oh well, that's what friends are for right?

Only me....

Thank goodness its FRIDAY!!!

For some reason it feels like the last 2 4-day weeks lasted longer than a normal 5-day week. Go figure... Well theres one week down and 3.5 more to go until I get outta this hell hole and am enjoying Vegas! I cant wait!!

C gets out of the hospital today, they decided to release her earlier than planned. I'm excited, but she wants to go out and theres not really a lot that we can do... Guess I will have to put on my thinkin cap... damn, I hate that thing!

Anyway, my hand is finally recovering from new years eve... Oh, wait I haven't wrote about that. Yeah, I'm a little slow today.... Don't mind me. So on new years eve me & my friend T were getting into our cab. The jackass who was getting out slammed the sliding door on my hand... I couldn't get the door open with my other hand so this is how it went...

Me: My hand is in the door!
T & Cab Driver: *dumb stare*
Me: The door is shut on my hand!!!!!
T & Cab Driver: ???????
Me: MY FUCKING HAND IS STUCK IN THE DOOR!!!!!!!
T : Oh My GOD!!!!
Me: Yeah I Know, can you open the door?!?!?! *duh bitch, Don't just sit there help me- look*
T: Stop the cab!
Cab Driver: What ?!?!
T: STOP THE CAB!!

After about like 2 minutes of me yelling we finally stop and the driver opens the door....
At this point my hand is throbbing! Luckily for me, no broken bones and no bruises... I have no idea how there was no swelling or bruises, but for the last week it has hurt like hell!

The stupidest shit always happens to me.... WTF?!?!

Well... have a great weekend!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

isn't it funny how something as little as a scar can bring back sooo many memories?

Well in my case I have one scar that brings no memories with it....

As I was putting on my stockings this morning, a smileyface caught my eye. For those who don't know a smiley face is when someone lights a lighter, keeps it lit for about a minute or two then places the HOT metal part on your skin. After the burn heals it looks like a smiley face-hence the name... Why people do this, I will never understand - it hurts like hell.... Kids are mean, they think its a joke to hurt each other I guess...

I've had them before, nothing to serious. Usually the scar goes away within a month or two. The one I have on my leg, I have had for over 4 years. Each year it gets lighter and lighter, so hopefully one day it will finally go away. That's why I decided to write about it... This is one story I never want to forget!

How I got this scar you might ask? Well, to be honest I'm not completely sure.

One night a bunch of us were hanging out at a "friends" house. ( I say friend lightly because I soon came to realize he was no friend). Anyway, we were at his house when he asked us if we would like some volumes. Well, I loved volumes... So of course I said yea. I knew what they looked liked and these pills sure did look like volumes. Too bad they weren't.

till' this day I still have no idea what we took. I barely remember taking them. For the next 3 days my life is a blur... I remember little things, like seeing a friend the next morning and him saying "damn girl you look sooo fucked up" I think that memory will be forever etched into my head. Just seeing the look on his face, and realizing how serious he was. Actually, that happened more than once... Everyone I saw said that!

For the next 3 days I have no idea where I stayed, what I did, or who I was with... According to my mother one afternoon me and my friend M went to my house, we could barely walk in the door and when we finally did get in M started throwing up. My mother asked what was wrong, I guess we told her we had been drinking. She never asked again, that was that. I have no idea how we got there.. I lived kinda far from where we started off at.

Another thing I remember was waking up at my ex-boyfriends house and calling my friend L crying my eyes out for no reason...

I barely slept those 3 days, and I'm sure I didn't eat anything. The feeling that I had was indescribable.

I remember trying to go swimming at the piers, all I really remember was looking out at the lake and seeing everything with this white fog around it... Too bad it wasn't foggy out, huh? It seemed like I was in a dream. No drugs have ever given me that feeling...

Okay, back to the scar.... From what I have been told, a couple friends and I were sitting outside just hanging out. My friend D took his lighter and lit it. I guess he kept it lit for like 5 minutes. (that's what everyone said, but they might be exaggerating) After he had it lit he just stuck it onto my leg and I was sooo fucked up that I didn't feel it. I didn't even flintch...

If you've ever used a lighter before I'm sure you know how hot the metal part can get...

I ended up having a 3rd degree burn from it. I had to go to the doc and have them scrape it and everything.. It was disgusting!! and it hurt soooo bad!

What the fuck was I thinking? The thing is I wasn't thinking.... As a kid, I trusted everyone. I was naive and thought no one would do anything stupid like that. I mean, he was taking the pills too...

During these 3 days, a lot more happened also. 2 of my friends ended up fighting each other, my friend D was admitted to the hospital (he took the pills too), the cops came... etc! No adults even asked what was going on..

Now that I look back its like WTF?!?! how stupid could I have been? Something alot more serious than a smiley face could have happened to me during those 3 days... I was lucky I guess. People get hurt for a lot less... I have put myself in some fucked up situations, but atleast they have made me a lot smarter today! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

The end is near...

It felt like this day would never come...

C is finally getting out of the hospital! I cant wait. The last 6 months without her have felt like an eternity...

She has improved sooo much. She can walk with a walker now, and is learning to stand and sit on her own. The doctors said that it would take around a year for her to be where she is now.... She is so determined to get back to normal! I am so proud of her.

Lately they have been letting her leave for a couple hours. We've realized things aren't going to be as easy as we'd like. She cant go up stairs, and her wheelchair doesn't fit into my car.... But who cares, I'm just so happy she can leave!

This weekend she gets to leave from Friday to Sunday. I don't know what we are going to do but I'm sure she is going to want to go out somewhere. She has been itching to go to a bar! Too bad they couldn't have let her leave last weekend, then she could have celebrated new years eve instead of being in the hospital alone.

She gets out for good on the 13th. The doctor said if things go well this weekend he might let her out sooner. I cant wait!!

Love to Hate it and Hate to Love it!!!!

This month that is....

Not only is my friend C finally getting out of the hospital on the 13th....

I am also so excited about February that everyday this month is going to feel like an eternity! (yeah I know its still a month away, but I cant help but be excited!). I have sooo much going on next month, I'm not sure how I plan on juggling it all and work... I'm sure I'll figure out something.

My birthday is Feb 2nd and my anniversary is Feb 23rd. Just enough space between the two to basically celebrate the whole month! I know most people do not think birthdays are that big of a deal, I am not one of those people.... I love birthdays; yours, mine, everyone's! In my family birthdays were a big deal. Its your day to do whatever you want! People think (especially my bf) that this will go away with time, and as I get older I will start to dread them like everyone else. I cant say that will never happen, but I will say I hope that never happens. My birthday is the one day that I can actually look forward to, and for just one day a year my life can actually be just about ME!!! Which is a big deal, it seems like most of the time I am always helping, trying to make happy, or just condoling a few dear people in my life with whom everything is always about them (no, I'm not complaining... but damn can we talk about my life for once?) Maybe that's why I blog, to talk about all the not so important things that I just cant talk about with my friends.. Even if noone reads, atleast I'm getting it off my chest.
Okay, anyway... Like I was saying, it feels good to be able to dedicate one WHOLE day to me... Ohhh.... I just cant wait!

This birthday will be especially special because I will be in Vegas! Its a birthday/anniversary gift from my bf. I cant wait!! I've never been to Vegas, hopefully I can handle it! LOL... I'm sure I can hold my own.

After that, I will just be celebrating with various people. I guess that's why its good to have friends that don't know each other... It gives me a reason to celebrate more than once! Plus the fact that like 3 or 4 of my friends birthdays are also in February just adds to all the celebrating...

After all the b-day stuff, then we have Valentines day (not very important) but whatever... Then is my anniversary. I will plan all the festivities for this day... Hopefully I can come up with something sweet and romantic... There aren't very many things like that to do in Cleveland... I'll really have to work for this one, but hey he's worth it...

Let the count down begin:


30 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY.....