Misery loves company...
If that's the case than I should be surrounded by people right now....
I've mentioned my bf "A" a couple times, I've even dedicated a post to him over at blogster. I've never really explained much about our relationship or anything so I guess I have to start from the beginning so you can fully understand my dilemma today.
About 2-2.5 years ago I met him. I was at a very difficult time in my life, still "with" my ex R who was in prison at the time. It had been one year since R first went to prison and we obviously weren't getting along and I was physically and emotionally lonely. When I met A at first it was just a lust thing. He is a very attractive man and everything that I could ever want. We dated for about 3 months. During that time I honestly came to love him. I know its fast but he just seemed like that missing puzzle piece that completed me.
With things not going well with his ex, I couldn't handle our "relationship" any longer and I broke it off. At the time it was obvious that he didn't want that. Though he might not have admitted to loving me I know that he did have strong feelings towards me. As hard as it was for me to let him go, deep down I knew that it had to be done.
After our breakup I got out of control. I started drinking everyday, and I mean drinking. I hit an all time low. That is when I got my DUI, and two weeks later crashed my car. I wasn't myself.... Soon I couldn't pay my bills or rent so I moved out of my apartment and in with a friend.
For the next couple of months life was just one big party. Out every night drinking away the pain that I still felt in my heart for him.
Soon 6 months have flown by and for a couple of weeks I have been dying to call him. I just couldn't get the balls to actually dial the number. One night my roommate and I were having a party. I was pretty drunk and I called, he didn't answer so I left a message just saying hi..
Later in the night he called me back and hearing his voice made my heart jump! I was still dancing at the time and asked him if he would come see me one day. A week or so later he did. When I seen him it felt like we never parted. All the feelings that I had came rushing back.... and I could tell they did for him also. He was still having problems with his ex-but I was determined to not let that interfere with our relationship this time.
Time passes and we are brought to present time... I love him to death. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for him. I also know that he loves me. But now things have changed. Yesterday I found out that he betrayed me. During the time that we were apart he did something that I just cannot believe he did. And to top it off I just found out. It hurts me so bad to think that all this time has just been a big lie. He keeps reassuring me that its not a lie, he just never told me about it. And that in no way had it ever affected our relationship.. Everything about us has been true this is just a secret that he felt he had to keep from me.
But to me it has affected us. It honestly broke my heart yesterday when he told me it was true. He claims the reason he didn't tell me about it in the beginning is that he knew I would never have given him a second chance. What can I say, in no way would I have even thought of starting our relationship if I knew this.
And that is why I'm torn. This really doesn't effect me just my trust in him... And when he asked me if I would rather have had him tell me and us not be together I couldn't answer because I don't know. I hate that he kept this from me, but at the same time I love him sooo much. I couldn't imagine him not being in my life. But everytime I think about it it makes me so fucking livid! I feel so betrayed, that I couldn't even look him in the eyes last night. I didn't even want him touch me but at the same time I couldn't push him away...
I don't want to end things because of this. But I don't know if or when I will ever be able to trust him again...
Love fucking sucks!!!
I've mentioned my bf "A" a couple times, I've even dedicated a post to him over at blogster. I've never really explained much about our relationship or anything so I guess I have to start from the beginning so you can fully understand my dilemma today.
About 2-2.5 years ago I met him. I was at a very difficult time in my life, still "with" my ex R who was in prison at the time. It had been one year since R first went to prison and we obviously weren't getting along and I was physically and emotionally lonely. When I met A at first it was just a lust thing. He is a very attractive man and everything that I could ever want. We dated for about 3 months. During that time I honestly came to love him. I know its fast but he just seemed like that missing puzzle piece that completed me.
With things not going well with his ex, I couldn't handle our "relationship" any longer and I broke it off. At the time it was obvious that he didn't want that. Though he might not have admitted to loving me I know that he did have strong feelings towards me. As hard as it was for me to let him go, deep down I knew that it had to be done.
After our breakup I got out of control. I started drinking everyday, and I mean drinking. I hit an all time low. That is when I got my DUI, and two weeks later crashed my car. I wasn't myself.... Soon I couldn't pay my bills or rent so I moved out of my apartment and in with a friend.
For the next couple of months life was just one big party. Out every night drinking away the pain that I still felt in my heart for him.
Soon 6 months have flown by and for a couple of weeks I have been dying to call him. I just couldn't get the balls to actually dial the number. One night my roommate and I were having a party. I was pretty drunk and I called, he didn't answer so I left a message just saying hi..
Later in the night he called me back and hearing his voice made my heart jump! I was still dancing at the time and asked him if he would come see me one day. A week or so later he did. When I seen him it felt like we never parted. All the feelings that I had came rushing back.... and I could tell they did for him also. He was still having problems with his ex-but I was determined to not let that interfere with our relationship this time.
Time passes and we are brought to present time... I love him to death. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for him. I also know that he loves me. But now things have changed. Yesterday I found out that he betrayed me. During the time that we were apart he did something that I just cannot believe he did. And to top it off I just found out. It hurts me so bad to think that all this time has just been a big lie. He keeps reassuring me that its not a lie, he just never told me about it. And that in no way had it ever affected our relationship.. Everything about us has been true this is just a secret that he felt he had to keep from me.
But to me it has affected us. It honestly broke my heart yesterday when he told me it was true. He claims the reason he didn't tell me about it in the beginning is that he knew I would never have given him a second chance. What can I say, in no way would I have even thought of starting our relationship if I knew this.
And that is why I'm torn. This really doesn't effect me just my trust in him... And when he asked me if I would rather have had him tell me and us not be together I couldn't answer because I don't know. I hate that he kept this from me, but at the same time I love him sooo much. I couldn't imagine him not being in my life. But everytime I think about it it makes me so fucking livid! I feel so betrayed, that I couldn't even look him in the eyes last night. I didn't even want him touch me but at the same time I couldn't push him away...
I don't want to end things because of this. But I don't know if or when I will ever be able to trust him again...
Love fucking sucks!!!
posted by lilly at 8:55 AM
Oh Pamela, I'm so sorry! I have a blog post I wrote a while back that I have saved and never posted, it's a doozy. Anyway I shared it with a couple people but reading this, I almost....ALMOST want to post it for your sake. Don't even know if it would help you but it's all about betrayals. I don't know what the issue is exactly with you but I completely understand the feelings of betrayal. I am dealing with so much shit myself on this "love" issue that it's mind boggling. It really does suck...but at the same time I wouldn't want to live without it. Anyway, every relationship is different. There are always extenuating circumstances. I could never tell you what to do about any of this because I've been on both sides of that betrayal fence but I can certainly offer you all of my support and understanding. If you need anything, please just ask. Much love!
Ouch! I hate that. Betrayal. I didn't lie, I just never told you...
I don't know what to say, but damn that sucks. Especially to find out about it so much later. And he hid it purposely knowing you wouldn't have given him another chance.
That would piss me off and hurt at the same time.
Feel free to rant about it, cry about it, whatever you want to do here. We'll listen and support you!
i guess only time will tell huh lilly.
"There isn't anything I wouldn't do for him"...maybe in time 'forgiveness' is something you can do for your own sake as well as your bloke. i know easy enough for me to spout that from here. tho i do believe trust can be rebuilt, i know it can to a big degree, have been there [tho it still niggles every now and again]...i'm so sorry that you have had this kick in the guts :(
is it sucking any less now lilly?