Humor brightens all days!

Five reasons not to be a penis:
1) Your head is bald forever.
2) You live between two nuts.
3) An asshole lives behind you.
4) Your best mate's a cunt.
5) When you get excited, you get sick and then faint.


FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who''s not a creep,
One who''s handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who''ll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he''s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won''t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who''ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store. Amen.


Eve, in the Garden of Eden, said, "God, I have a problem.
It's a beautiful garden, but I'm lonely and I'm sick of eating apples."
"Okay," God said. "I'll create a man for you."
Eve said, "What's a man?"
"He is a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego who doesn't listen and gets lost a lot, but he's big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals, and he's fun in bed."
"Sounds great!" said Eve.
"There's just one thing. He's going to want to believe I made him first."