Just me...

Murphys law never seems to fail...

2007-01-31T14:33:00.000-05:00

Ever since I worked in insurance I knew that I would hate insurance companies... They always found ways to screw people over...Although I have seen it done several time I have never experienced this until now..
On December 15th around 3 AM I was in a car accident.. So why is it that this claim isnt taken care of already you might ask? HA! Nothing in my life is that simple people, havent we figured that out yet!!!
Now I will admit that this whole thing could have been prevented... see my insurance was due on the 12th.. But before I could pay it I had to wait until a deposit went thru my checking account at 12 AM the 15th... So at 2:58 am on the 15th I paid my bill over the phone.. Why did I pay it at 2:58 am? well see I was at the bar, and when the deposit posted to my checking account at 12:00 AM I was a little preoccupied... but AS SOON as I got in my car at 2:57 am I paid the bill.. but just my luck, as I was on my way home I crashed into someone..
Now the insurance company is trying to say that the time of the accident and the time which I paid my bill are so close that the claim is under investigation..
Fine, I completely understand why they would do that.. but now we get into the fun part...
I got a letter stating that they were not going to cover the accident because they felt that I was not insured at the time of the accident.. they said that the other claimant filed a police report (the police didnt come to the scene of the accident..) and we would have to wait for a copy to go any further with the investigation... So I called cleveland accident report and tried to get a copy of the report.. But they said there wasnt a report made... So I called the insurance company again and asked for a copy of the report that they told me they had...
Four days passed and still no copy of the report.. so I called again, and was told again that they would fax a copy...
A week passes by and still no police report..
Finally realizing that they are trying to screw me over I get my attorney involved..
Now they are saying that they dont have a police report, that they never told me they had a police report and that I told them that I would not cooperate with them, and that I said I would never do an interview with their investigators... WTF?!! I even asked to set up a date for an interview and was told they would get back to me...
UGHHH!!!!!! I just want this whole thing to be over!
I know I paid my bill before I left the parking lot... I know that I DID NOT try to commit insurance fraud... but not only am I being accused of that, but I am also being made a fool by these asshole insurance adjusters...
I know that I should have paid my insurance on time, and I know that the whole situation looks like I infact was trying to commit fraud, but why couldnt they just tell me there never was a police report and that they had made a mistake? NOOO... insurance companies do not make mistakes!! they just try to screw innocent people out of money!!!

Okay, now that I have confused the hell out of you lets move on...

Friday is my birthday!!! I was supposed to go out of town but plans fell thru.. Maybe thats a good thing though, I mean last years bday Vegas vacation wasnt exactly ideal.. but then again I was with the loser ex A then.. this year I am single!! and l am learning to love it!! I had my first date since A last night... Yes, I know I waited a long time but I wanted to make sure I was fully over A before I tried to move on... and now I can honestly say that I am completely over him!! YAY!! what a wonderful birthday present!! :)

Time flies by... and before we know it nothings changed!

2007-01-02T13:25:00.000-05:00

Wow.. its hard to belive that it has been around 8 months since my last post... It surely doesnt feel like it has been that long.. It seems like just yesterday when my life was great and I was here blogging about all the funny little things that happened...
But boy has my life changed in the last 8 months....

I guess I dont really know where to begin.. when I stopped blogging my life was a wreck.. mostly thanks to A.. (A now stands for ASSHOLE!!) we were having some problems and things werent the same as they used to be... I was constantly catching him in lies and it was really taking a toll on our relationship.. Finally about 3.5 months ago I caught him cheating on me with some whore that he met on myspace of all places!! but A being the jackass he is still denied the whole thing and blamed the breakup on me! UGHH!!! I swear some people are so selfish! He gave me the whole "I dont want a relationship right now.. and I hope that maybe one day you will forgive me so we can get back together, bla bla bla..." but I just recently found out that he has another girlfriend!! So much for not wanting a relationship huh?! men suck! Sometimes I wish that I could just take back the last 2 years of my life so I can forget him.. People say think of all the good times you've had and atleast be happy for that... or its better to loved and loss than to have never loved at all.. BULLSHIT! I would give up all of the good memories just to be able to forget the few bad ones... I can honestly say that I hate him, I hate everything about him.. He literally makes me sick to my stomach and I would do anything to be able to just erase him from my life.... but at the same time I still love him.. and I hate myself for still loving him.

Other than dealing with the horrible feelings of a break-up Ive also had Cierra move to florida on me.... so she wasnt here to be my shoulder to cry on... but its okay she is moving back later this month!! Im so excited I cant wait... Life definately hasnt been the same since she left.. its kinda like she is back in the hospital, we can talk on the phone but thats about it.. so it will be good to have her home..

Ok, enough about the sad things lets talk more about me!! LOL.. so since the infamous break up of the year I have been doing many things to better myself as a person.. Ive come to realize that too many times I was putting A's wants before my needs.. too many times I was trying so hard to please him that I forgot about me! 2007 is going to be my year!! I am devoting this year to become the person I want to be!! Even though Im not quite sure who that is yet... but hey I have 364 more days to figure that out!! :)

Well people its good to be back!!

Dont worry...

2006-04-19T07:53:00.000-05:00

Gee... time sure does go by fast huh? Its been over a week since the last time I posted. Sorry that it has taken me so long. I have just been dealing with a lot of crap lately.

Emotionally, I am a train wreck. I dont know what it is but I've just been in this mood. Feeling useless and distant. Feeling as though I do nothing to help the one person who means the world to me. The one person who has the world on their shoulders and all I do is add to their problems. Being in this mood is just making everything worse. I complain about other people doing things that I should be doing even though I know its impossible for me to have time to do them... Why do I let these little things get to me? Cant I just stop being a bitch and try to make things less stressful?

Also, this whole divorce thing with my sister has blew up.. My sister found out that my b-i-l cheated on her and on top of that has been doing coke. Coke? WTF?!! I mean, yeah I knew that he did it once about 4 months ago. Its my fault for believing that he could just stop. Now he has a problem... My sister is all stressed out, not knowing what she is going to do. I understand where she is coming from.. This is a hard thing to deal with.

Other than that life has been dull... I'm sure I will be back to normal soon.. just give me some time to work through everything. Dont miss me too much while I'm gone!! LOL... but I will be back soon.. I just need a little time away......

I'm still on this chocolate kick..

2006-04-10T14:03:00.000-05:00

I figure the faster I eat it, the faster it will be gone... So here I am finishing off my box of candy feeling like a fat ass again!!

Friday ended up going very well for me and A... Like I expected he was wasted by the time I got there. But thankfully no arguments erupted and we had a great time. One thing that did kinda bother me was that his friend was hitting on me all night. I mean, come on.. how disrespectful is that. Maybe he was only joking.. maybe he wasn't.. That's besides the point. Don't hit on your friends gf/bf... Even if its a joke, its still wrong.

I guess on friday I wasn't the only one stuck in an awkward situation. C, who hasn't been speaking to spongebob very much recently, had a situation of her own. For some reason bob felt that since C wasn't answering her phone it was okay to just show up at her house.. Unfortunately for him, she was there with another guy (remember though, they're not dating exclusively).Once he got there and she didn't answer the door, he climbed up to her porch (she lives on the second floor) and started yelling at her to open her door. WTF?!?! why do people think its okay to do that. At what point does " Yeah, I don't answer my phone or my door so please just go ahead and climb up my house... " sound like something a person would actually say... I mean except for me cause I say that everyday!!

Oh, and get this.. just as I was about to spend what $25-$30 on an oil change, some people came in promoting some firestone thing where you get 5 oil changes, 5 tire rotations and a whole bunch of other crap for $40.. yes you read that correctly $40.00!! How excited am I!! That just made my year!!

I can feel my thighs grow as I type this...

2006-04-07T07:57:00.000-05:00

Most of the time I'm not a chocolate eater... I can take it or leave it, but mostly leave it. Then there are those days when I need it!! Its all I cant think about... so I go out, buy a candy bar and that's that... But not this month. Why did my boss have to convince me to buy candy from his daughter? ugghhhh... now I have been sitting here for 2 days eating candy, candy and more candy... Mmm.. its sooo good though. The best part about it is it Malley's and not some generic chocolate! Oh, it just melts in my mouth.. Almond clusters and coconut haystacks. I think I have gained 5 pounds just looking at the containers..

Someone... please come and take them from me! I am supposed to be on a diet remember?

Anyway, enough about that... Today is the home opener for the Indians... this is huge in Cleveland.. I'm not sure how it is in other cities but in cleveland its almost a holiday! People take of work and go down town around 8-9am and start drinking!! All the bars open up extra early, all the radio stations are downtown broadcasting from the bars, its crazy!! Last year I left work early and went out.. this year I'm not. I feel kinda left out... A is going to the game which doesn't start until 3pm.. I think he will be downtown by noon though. I know by the time I get out of work he will be wasted. Especially because he is going with his partner and some other work friends who always get super drunk. Too bad it will be raining all day.. Maybe they will cancel the game. If not I guess I will be going out with the girls tonight.

Cant we all just get along...

2006-04-06T08:40:00.000-05:00

Cliche? yeah, just a little bit..

So a couple of days ago there was this apartment fire here that killed 4 kids... The fire "started" in the hallway of the apartment building.. but something really doesn't seem right to me. See, the mother of the kids, her boyfriend and their baby (who lived) were found in the second floor apartment, the 4 kids that died were in the 3rd floor apartment. First of all, why would 4 kids all under the age of 8 be in an apartment alone? Hmm... Plus none of the smoke detectors worked... and the fire department wasn't even called, the only reason they arrived there was because they were responding to another call about a car on fire. Unfortunately because they weren't prepared for such a huge fire, the ladder on the truck they had couldn't reach the 3rd floor. And get this.. now they are saying that an accelerant was found in the apartment the kids were in.. WTF?!?! Something is a little fishy.. I think the mother and her bf did it.. I'll keep you informed.

Why is it that when alcohol is involved everything is so much more than it is when you're sober? For those of you who are recovering from substance abuse I'm sure you reading and saying.... "That's why I quit" or "That's why you should quit".. Well me, I enjoy a drink here or there. Not too much, although I have a tendency of drinking too much and not realizing it until the last drink is already drank.. make sense? Yeah, I confused myself too so don't feel bad..

A and I went out for what was supposed to be an innocent night of drinking. That changed when he said something bad about C's "spongebob" (remember him from previous posts...) Why did I get offended? I have no idea... but the argument exploded and the next thing I knew he was threatening me saying he was going to leave me at the bar and make me walk home. Obviously he didn't, but the argument went on.. and on.. and on...... Why did we argue about someone who means nothing to either of us? the alcohol did it!!! Why do I get so argumentative when I drink? and the bad thing is its mostly only towards A.. Thankfully its not all the time.. most of the time we love each others company, and have a great time just sitting at the bar talking. But there are those few nights when we argue about nothing at all...

I've never been so happy to see her...

2006-04-05T08:25:00.000-05:00

Well well well..... Look who finally decided to show up.. Shes one month late, but here nonetheless... Its about damn time! I'm just happy I can finally stop stressing about it.

So I have decided that I will be moving out of my crappy apartment in June... Now, where do I want to move to? I have no idea... Life would be so much easier if I were to move closer to A.. Although, I would hardly ever see C, and I would definitely have to quit my night job and get one closer to him. Is it worth it? Or should I just stay around here and keep driving to and from his house everyday... I guess either way you look at it, I will be driving there and back anyway to and from work.. So I wont be saving gas money, just time for me... and my cats wouldn't have to be so lonely. Rent is a lot more expensive out that way also... Maybe I will just stay here. I don't know.

Oh, and I finally have an update on my sisters divorce. Well, not really an update since my b-I-l had already told me everything but my sister finally told me. She said that they are trying to work through everything, which I'm sure they will... They cant get divorced, then who will I have to fix my car the next time it breaks down?... j.k.. I'm not that self centered!!

Sorry this post is so boring... I guess I still have a case of bloggers block. Nothing interesting to talk about... and unlike Mr. BYG.... my posts aren't 10 pages long when I "have nothing to say" ha ha ha.. just kidding kev, you know I love ya!!

Bloggers Block....

2006-04-04T12:12:00.000-05:00

Yep, that's what it is... I haven't posted in almost a week, and still I have nothing to say... Not quite sure why, I have things to talk about but when I start to type my mind goes blank.

Hmmm..... Oh, I went out for some drinks last night and saw this guy that I haven't seen in about 10 years. He used to live on my street when I was a kid. Its funny that I even recognized him because we never really hung out or anything. I was really good friends with his brother and his cousin though. Too bad they weren't there. I would have really liked seeing his cousin... He was my best friend until I moved to the west side. We were together soo much our families used to say we were going to get married...I would have gave him my phone number but he was kinda hitting on me and I didn't want him to get the wrong impression, that's the last thing I need right now..

Well... that's all I have. I have been sitting here for about a half hour and that's all I got. What the hell is going on. I need some excitement in my life...

To splurge or not to splurge....

2006-03-29T11:45:00.000-05:00

How is it that yesterday I was shopping online and found this auction site kinda like ebay that had some things that I wanted to buy.. I contacted the seller, placed the order, etc.. but haven't paid yet. Then when I went back today I cannot even access the site. I keep getting redirected to somewhere else.. Smells a little fishy to me.. I'm a little disappointed though, I really wanted this wallet, and I haven't been able to find it at that price anywhere else. I knew it had to be too good to be true. Maybe its karma telling me that I shouldn't buy it.. Damn karma!! I really wanted it too...

Do you know how great it feels to be able to drive down a bumpy road and not have to worry about my tire falling off... and yes it was that bad!! But now thanks to be b-I-l I am worry free.. and still have money in the bank!! The part that I needed was $195.00, but he got it for only $120.00... and I gave him $40 for the labor, so I only paid $160.00. In his shop he would have charged about $400.00 for both the part & labor.. I saved $240.00!!!! the benefits of having a mechanic as a b-I-l are endless!! He also said that he will do my tuneup whenever I want him to.. and that will save me a couple hundred.. He's great, I will miss him very much if what he said about the divorce is true. He told me again yesterday that it is still going to happen its just taking a little longer.. He told me that he will be moving out of state. WTF?? he has a 10 year old son here. I don't think he will do it but one never knows. I am kinda weary to even ask my sister about it. Like I said before she can be a bitch, and I wouldn't want to make things worse between them..

l

You wanna read what?

2006-03-28T08:58:00.000-05:00

Well.... our night out actually went pretty well... I'm glad! My friends behaved themselves, most of the night.. We went to a couple of clubs downtown.. One of the girls did meet a guy and ended up inviting him back to their hotel room. A and I got along very well, no fighting at all!!

On saturday night A was online and wanted to see my blog. At first I just showed him the one that I use only to communicate with some friends (its on myspace) I never blog there, just use it to message and read friends blogs. He knows about this blog, and asked if he could see it. Finally I gave in and let him read some. It felt so weird having him read these posts because recently they have all talked about him. He didn't say much... I wonder what he was thinking... He probably has a big head now seeing how much I talk about him.. LOL!

So I found out yesterday that my car is worse than I thought it was. I thought that it was a strut, but its not. I cant remember the name of the part but it will cost me $160.00 for the part alone!!! Thank goodness I have it to spare this week. I'll be broke for awhile but it needs to be done. Luckily for me, by brother-in-law is a mechanic and will (hopefully) do the labor for free.. I could just imagine how much it would cost if I had to take it to a shop...

They arent me!!

2006-03-24T08:57:00.000-05:00

I am soo happy this week is finally over! It has went by so slowly...

So tonight A and I will be going out with some of my friends from Akron. I'm not sure if this will be good or bad. Lately we have been (well, I should say he has been) bringing up the whole Vegas thing a lot. All he says is "if you did that right in front of me, what do you do when I'm not there". Ughh... will he ever just put that behind us. Yeah, I know, probably not. So anyway, the girls we are going out with are... how can I put this nicely... not very street smart. They have a tendency of usually leaving with different guys all the time.

Like for instance, last time they came to cleveland. They were out with my friend T, and something happened and T left them there. Instead of calling a cab they leave with these guys. Now remember they are not from Cleveland, so they don't know their way around. Well, for some reason these guys left them at a gas station-who knows where. Instead of calling a cab now, they leave with some guys who are getting gas. Luckily nothing happens and they get back to T's safely in the morning. Now from what I understand this happens alot. They meet guys, and go with them...

Now see me, I would never do that. I have had too many bad experiences where I would never trust someone I didn't know.. Hell, half the time I don't trust people I do know. Maybe they haven't had any thing bad happen to them, but why even put themselves in those situations... I don't know. They say that they regret it in the morning, but they keep on doing it.

A knows how they are, I just don't want him to think that just because they are like that means I am like that too when he's not there... I think maybe just seeing them in action might bring back up Vegas. Hopefully everything goes okay.. If J & M just behave themselves I'm sure we will have a good night...

There is hope...

2006-03-23T09:20:00.000-05:00

I know I may be counting my eggs before they hatch, or is it counting my chickens before they hatch? hmm... anyway I might be getting ahead of myself but I am soo excited for football season!!

The browns might actually win some games!! WooHoo... I cant wait. We picked up some great players, and a couple of which are actually cleveland natives!! For once I am actually looking forward to the end of summer. Okay, not really... but I am excited about the season.

Hmm... what else. Oh, I got my year revue yesterday... Not to happy with what they are offering but it is okay for now. I guess I understand why they don't want to pay me a lot because in reality I really don't do much. But, hey, that's not my fault. I would do the work if it was here. So now I guess I'll start touching up my resume. A says that I am worth atleast $1.50-$2.00 more than I make here. Thats why I love having him in the business that he does. He can always tell me what I am worth, and maybe even get me the job. If only I wasn't dating him I could just be his assistant. He pays his employees very well... He is constantly having office parties at really nice restaurants. Once he even rented out the Nautica ( a local cruise ship) for a whole night. Lets just say his employees are well taken care of and I'm sure they love him for it!

GO Browns!!!!!

Mmm Mmmm Good!

2006-03-22T09:07:00.000-05:00

I must say that I am proud of the way my swordfish turned out last night.. I used a rosemary garlic recipe and it was delicious! Luckily for me it was very moist, and the seasoning was just right. I used the george foreman grill, which I give a lot of credit to! I love that thing...

So I woke up this morning at 6:30 and did cardio... See, A has been on this health kick lately. He says that he is the fattest he has ever been... Growing up he was a very good athlete, but since his heart attack has slowed down a bit. Now he is working out twice a day! Doing cardio at 6 am and lifting at 6 pm... Seeing him doing all of this makes me feel lazy! He has been trying to get me up at 6 to do cardio too! Ha, that's not going to happen.. So this morning he lied and told me that it snowed outside that way I had to get up early because the drive would have taken a lot longer.. When I got up and looked outside... no snow! bastard! since I was up I did cardio for a half hour. I know, its not much, but I'm just starting!! I admit, I could afford to lose 10-15 lbs... I am the fattest I have ever been... In the last year I gained 20 lbs. It might not sound like a lot but on my petite frame it is! We'll see how it goes..

What I would give for a home cooked meal...

2006-03-21T12:56:00.000-05:00

Guess I need to drive down to Texas!!

What was I thinking telling A I would cook his favorite fish tonight? I have never even cooked fish from a box before.. This is going to be very interesting!

Hmm.... I guess I'm not that bad of a cook, I mean I can cook all the normal stuff. So far everything I have cooked for him he liked. That doesn't say much though cause A will eat anything! LOL! I did make some chicken that he wasn't too fond of though. I'm weird when it comes to cooking chicken. I always over cook it. Its something about chicken that gets me nervous. I'm always afraid that I will undercook it and end up getting salmonella or something. I'm learning... I'm trying to learn atleast..

I wish I could cook like my mother. Though she would be much help with the swordfish, she never cooked fish. But everything else she made was always sooo good! What sucks is that she never used recipes, she just did it. There was this one very simple dish she used to make. She keeps telling me that its only macaroni, tomato sauce, butter and seasoning... It was just something about it that made it so good, everyone loved it.. I have been trying to master it for years and it never tastes the same. Thats why I think that she is keeping some special ingredient from me... Sometime when she was in the mood she would make these delicious home made noodles. Mmmm... my mouth is just watering thinking about them. This is a recipes passed down from my grandma. I have yet to try this... I get intimidated just thinking about it! Everything has to be perfect. The dough cant be to sticky or the noodles wont cut right... The noodles cant be to thick, nor can they be to thin! Its hard but damn are they good!! When ever she made them I used to convince her to make about 2 batches of them just so I could have them for the next week... They were a meal all in their own!

Gee, all this talk about her food is making me miss her more! Its been almost 7 months since she has moved to Texas.. Things just aren't the same without her here.

Ummm... what the hell just happened?

2006-03-16T11:18:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm no computer whiz, that's obvious. I'm sometimes surprised at how much I can actually do.

But I do know that something went seriously wrong yesterday and of course I get to fix it. Yesterday I was doing some work (yeah, I sometimes actually have work to do!) anyway I was working on some deeds on "Floppy 1" we will call it. While doing this I realized that I needed to pull up some info from another floppy "floppy 2". So I took out floppy 1, put in floppy 2, pulled up the info and switched back to floppy 1. (I know, its confusing just be patient!) Okay, so I went to pull back up the stuff on floppy 1 and it was gone! And to top it off , instead of just being erased which then could have been restored it was overwritten by the info on floppy 2. So now I have 2 floppies with the same info and all the other info is gone! WTF!!!

I just don't understand what the hell happened... I called our IT guy and he said that he has never heard of anything like that. That usually when stuff like this happens floppy 1 would just be blank, but for the info from floppy 2 to some how be saved onto floppy one is weird. Not once did the system ask if I wanted to overwrite or delete any info. Ugh... now I get to go back and re-do all the work that I have done over the last month and a half.

Anyway, how exciting is it to finally have St. Pattys day on a friday... I will (hopefully) be drinking green beer all day.. I will be trying to convince my boss to let me leave early so I can go to the parade. I am Irish after all! We'll see if he is in a good mood or not. Maybe I will bring it up today and he will be nice enough to let me have the whole day off!!! yeah right, but I can dream cant I. A and I will be spending the day together hopefully... Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of his heart attack. Its weird to sit back and think of that day a year ago. All the thoughts that were running through my head when I found out. I couldn't believe it was happening. I mean, how many 30 years olds do you know to have a serious heart attack. And especially him, he has always been into sports and exercising... The doctors said it was all stress, hardly anything to do with his heath. I'm sure he will be in a weird mood tomorrow, I'll just have to be there to let him blow off some stress in.. oops I mean on me! ;)

Meow..

2006-03-15T12:37:00.000-05:00

I've been so busy lately... It seems like ever since I got this second job I am hardly ever home... I work 2 nights a week, then I go to A's 2 or 3 nights a week. I feel bad for my cats. I guess I just don't have to time to be with them like I used to. I'm such a horrible mother. I'm sure they are starting to hate me. Soon I'll be coming home to a trashed house or waking up to them trying to smother me... If I quit blogging without notice you know what happened...

Speaking of cats, my sister R has been having trouble with her cats and baby Jada... I guess every time the baby cries the cats (2) start to fight. I'm sure they are feeling neglected like my cats are. My sister and her bf used to baby them and now they cant. Cats have it soo hard don't they? Ha!

I thought that once C broke up with M he would stop calling, yeah right... He calls all the time. He even told her that he would change whatever she didn't like about him. WTF?!! I used to feel bad for him, now I just feel sorry for him for being that way. I mean, they were only dating like 2 months.. I don't think I will ever understand him. Is he that pathetic that he needs to be this way. Come on, are you serious... Wake up and open your eyes dumbass! Your soft!! thats the one thing that can never change. He might as well find a very dominant woman cause that's the only type I think will enjoy his softness...

No me... No me....

2006-03-14T08:43:00.000-05:00

Well, so much for our nice weather.... Its back down to 30 degrees today. WTF?? I hate being teased like that. 3 days of not wearing a coat, of driving with the window open, of not having to keep my heat on. I did get A out of the house on saturday. The only thing was, it was a little colder than I thought it would be so I ended up staying in the car the whole time with his son. while he played with his daughter.. So much for me getting out huh? thats okay, at least we got her out so she could run out some of that energy she has.

Friday night A and I went out for some drinks. We were having a great time... That is until we went for breakfast. I don't know what it is but everytime we go to breakfast we always end up in some deep conversation. This time it was about my missing friend... (yeah, she still hasn't shown up.. ) I took some tests, they were all negative but I know it is stressing us both out. Well, while we were eating the people next to us started having a ketchup fight. Of course I was already annoyed as it was and this was just making me even madder. I started to say something to the girls when A told me to stop. He said that he would handle it and that I shouldn't have to worry about "sticking" up for us. WTF?!?! they were females, what was he gonna do hit them? I mean, come on.... If it were guys I could understand but they were females! anyway, we were sitting there arguing over who was going to say something to these kids... No, I will.... No, I will... No! I said I will.... and we were talking loud enough for them to hear us. They were probably thinking we were crazy! Seriously, who argues over who gets to confront teenagers... Yeah, I know we have problems... but we would be boring if we didnt!

Happy Firday! oops.. I mean friday

2006-03-10T08:57:00.000-05:00

Its finally friday!! this week has went by soo slowly.... thank goodness it is over. Now if only I didn't have to work tomorrow night, but I do. I guess I should just be happy the week is over for A. He has been so stressed this week because of some exhibition he is doing today for his company. Hopefully tonight he will be happy with how it went and will actually be able to enjoy himself. I just wish things would start looking up for him. Everything between his ex is normal for once, but now his daughter is having some problems. Lately whenever he drops her back off at her moms she has been freaking out, crying and screaming for him not to leave. Its just tearing him apart to see her like that. I wonder what happened, she wasn't like this before. Its been a long time since he has actually lived with them and for her to start acting this way now is a little confusing. He assumed it would be hard at first then she would get used to it, but I guess its the other way around. Hmm....

Its pretty funny that I wrote what I did about C yesterday. When I picked her up last night her and M had broken up. I guess she was talking to him and he heard spongebob talking in the background. Ha! what did she expect, that this would go on forever? But C being the pimp that she is, of course turned it around on him and made him feel guilty! She told him that he was too jealous... and he actually believed her! Now he thinks its his fault she broke up with him. I don't know how she does it. I guess I just don't have what it takes to be a player... She on the other hand is an expert. Maybe she should start teaching a class or something... She even admitted to him that she has never been faithful to a guy before, and he still wants to be with her. I never paid attention before, but now realize she has never been in a serious relationship. I cannot think of one guy that she actually cared enough about. I wonder if she will ever be faithful... I don't think she has it in her, she likes to bop around... The good thing is she usually tells the guys upfront. Maybe if she would have done that with M things wouldn't be where they are. Or maybe if he was a little smarter he wouldn't feel like a dumbass right now.

I like to move it move it.. she like to move it move it... we like to... move it!

2006-03-09T13:58:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you, boy does it feel good to be back to my normal self. My crappy mood has seemed to just disappear as fast as it came! I think it has a lot to do with the weather. It is actually a whole 60 degrees here today... and will be in the low 60s all weekend! Oh, I'm soo excited!! I think maybe on saturday me and A will take the kids to the park or something... I'm so tired of just sitting at the house with them, and I know his daughter would have a great time. So I will be pushing this all weekend, if I don't I'm sure we will be sitting around watching either Madagascar, Mulan or Baby Einstein all weekend, again... which by the way I have memorized every song from!

So.... Its kinda windy here today and when I was taking the mail out to the mail box a few minutes ago, the wind blew the mail right out of my hand. Fucking wind! So here I am chasing like 5 envelopes around. And of course they had to blow right into the main street. Lucky for me there wasn't any traffic because everytime I got close to one piece it blew further away! I swear it had to have taken me 5 minutes to finally catch it all.. Oh, you shoulda seen it! It was hilarious.... I know that if I were watching someone do that I woulda been laughing soo hard!

Wow, nothing has been going on for me. My life is kinda boring this week... When I was talking to C today we had a discussion about her and the new small package she calls her bf (M). I don't know whats going on with her but I feel kinda bad for him. I mean, he is a nice guy. Actually, he is too nice for her. Hell he isn't even nice, just soft! C, and I for that matter aren't really attracted to soft guys. They have to have a little roughness in them, and he just doesn't have it. He bites his tongue, lets her do whatever and still bows down to her every want. So of course, C being back to her normal self has been seeing other guys. Yes, that is guys not just one guy! Mostly its spongebob... thats C's name for him. He is her type, more so than M will ever be. It seems like everytime I call her she is with spongebob instead of M. I don't understand how she can just lead M on. Why doesn't she just break up with him? who knows... I've asked and she never answers. I just feel badly because M has fallen for her quickly and she has no intention of actually being committed to him... She doesn't see it that way. She thinks only of herself.

Ahh.... its good to finally have her back! Its weird how I can sit here and say what a horrible person she can be, yet at the same time be happy that she is that way. Okay, maybe not happy, but I am glad to have her back to her normal self. I thought that she changed, that the whole hospital experience made her view life differently. Boy was I wrong... If anything now she looks at it like she needs to live everyday like it is her last because she never knows when the gbs will come back and she would have to spend another 6 months in the hospital. Hopefully it never comes back.

No monies for me!

2006-03-08T12:07:00.000-05:00

Ughh!!! The government is soo fucked up! I had my meeting with the financial aid counselor today. She said that I am not eligible for dependency override because I have no written proof that I am not dependent on my parents.. WTF?!?! How about copies of my last 3 leases for my apartments. Nope, that wont work.

I need a letter from a clergy, from a school counselor, or from a judge/social worker. Okay, I have no way of getting any of those.. So what now? nothing! There is nothing I can do. Fucking bastards!! Ugh! and with me being all emotional and shit lately, of course I started crying... Not too bad just a few tears. Ya know, the ones that when you try to hold them back it just makes it worse. Yeah, I felt like an ass but that's okay!

And to top off this lovely morning, I am bitchier that ever! Dont know whats going on... I feel bad because I have been kinda mean to A the last few days. I try to cheer up, but its just not working. Hopefully this mood leaves soon. I miss being my normal self.

Is she here yet? no....

2006-03-07T09:34:00.000-05:00

Why hasn't she shown up yet? Ugh!! this is starting to irritate me. I have already taken a home pregnancy test and it was negative. Maybe it is too early to tell, but I've learned from C that those things cant be trusted. She took 4 tests and had her period twice before finally finding out she was 2.5 months pregnant. Its just driving me crazy! I can tell that something isn't right. Usually I can tell about a week before I will get it, and now even though its already a week late those symptoms are still not here... fuck! A and I both have soo much going on. This cant be happening... I am neither financially nor emotionally stable enough for a baby.

Okay, I honestly need to get my mind off of that.. just sit here and think of something else....

Hmm... Oh, heres something weird that happened to me the other night. Friday night when I left work I was driving down the street and I just had this feeling that someone was following me. Now, I will admit that I was on the phone with A when I left work so I obviously wasn't paying attention then. So I have no idea how long this car was behind me. Okay, so I was driving down the street and the feeling was very strong. I looked behind me and there was a silver car. Before I went home I stopped and got something to eat. After I turned out of the parking lot to go home I had the same very strong feeling that someone was following me. I looked back and there was a silver car (not sure if it was the same car or not). After making one turn and seeing that the car turned also I started getting paranoid. So instead of slowing down an using my blinker when turning onto my street I acted like I was going straight and turned at the last minute. All clear! Then I walked into my apartment, into my bedroom and for some reason had this urge to look out the window. Just as I looked out a silver car parked behind mine. The driver ( a young guy, but I couldn't see his face) got out of the car stood there for about 2 seconds got back in the car and drove off... WTF?!?! It was kinda creepy. But no harm was done (except to my nerves of course!)

I never knew I could miss her that much

2006-03-06T12:12:00.000-05:00

I sat and re-read that last post.... What was up with me? I think I was high on sleepiness!!!

I do feel much better now. Saturday I slept in until 3 PM, and it felt so good. Now that my schedule is back to normal hopefully I will be back to normal too. I am just soo happy to have that week behind me. Although, I will admit I am glad that I worked all those hours. It helped a lot to get used to the drink prices and how to make certain drinks. (you'd think with how much I go out that I would know all the drinks!)

Wednesday I have a meeting with the financial aid advisor at the college I am going to attend (again). The meeting should have been avoidable though... They are trying to tell me that because I am under 25 and don't have any children that I am still a dependent. WTF?!?! I haven't lived with my mother for over 7 years and I haven't been dependent on any one during those 7 years... I know I am a "special circumstance" but I don't understand why they couldn't have established that over the phone instead of making me come in. Its not like my story is going to change just because I will be meeting with them in person.

Hmm... what else has been going on. Oh, my monthly visitor has yet to stop by this month. She was supposed to be here a week ago! I thought she was here but I was wrong... Unless that is, she is only staying for a day this month. Hopefully she gets here soon! I'm thinking that maybe because I have been stressed and with working all those hours that she is just running behind. I guess we will see in a day or two... As much as I love A the last thing I need is a baby. I barely have time for my cats! And plus his kids are enough...

Umm... okay.

2006-03-03T14:08:00.000-05:00

What I would give to have a 2 day weekend....

I remember when I used to dance. I made my own schedule and even if I was supposed to work one day I could call off with no repercussions... I used to be able to go with A whenever he traveled for work or go on vacations whenever I wanted. Boy I miss those days.

Now I find myself working 6 days a week about 64 hours total (except this week which will be more like 75).... Have I honestly come to a point in my life where this is it... Responsibility has kicked in and I actually realize that I need to work this much if I want the lifestyle I am accustomed to (which isnt really that nice)? Fun time is over and its time for me to begin my life. Do the things that I need to do to further better myself not only as an adult but as me! But who am I? honestly I'm not quite sure if I have figured that out yet...

To me I am just me... That's it. When I look in the mirror I see a person.. a normal, confused, exhausted, sarcastic person. To me I will always be just me. Nothing will change that! If I were to become one of the most important people, to me I would still just be me. But what does that say... Does that mean just because I don't see it - its not there?

A tells me all the time I am so negative.. and I am (hey, admitting is the first step right?). You might not see it here because I have no reason to be negative. But living my life has made me put myself in the habit of just expecting things to fall apart. If I just convince myself that ~things will not happen, so why even try?~ saves me the disappointment of being let down. I am quick to come up with a thousand reasons why I cant do something or why it would be pointless for me to try, but most of the time I cannot think of one reason why it will or why I should. Why am I like this... its a horrible trait to have. Has a life time of disappointment led me to be this person? Am I just the outcome of what horrible parenting does to a child. But I guess that horrible parenting is what made me who I am today. It is what causes me to expect so little of myself because there wasn't ever anyone there to tell me I could do it, to push me to do it, and to make me want to do it... To waste all the potential I supposedly have? To live a mediocre life and go on believing that I couldn't have had more even if I tried harder... No I cant blame that on bad parenting, I can only blame myself. I should have just known.

Who knows.... maybe the so called character A is always telling me I have will come out and help me figure all this crap out. Which I honestly don't understand the whole character thing... I mean, what the hell is character?

ok, what the hell happened... I started talking about dancing and now I've just had a session with my psychiatrist... what you want 250$ ??? ha! I should be getting the $250...

don't mind me, I'm sleep deprived!!! obviously its making me emotional. I promise I'll be normal on Monday! Have a great weekend.

Oh where, Oh where has my mind gone?

2006-03-02T14:29:00.000-05:00

Seems I am asking myself that more and more everyday this week...

At work the other night, my boss told me that I am no longer a waitress and he is teaching me to bartend. Hey, that's okay with me... I'd much rather bartend than waitress anyway. But for some reason, he has me training a lot! I worked last night, and will work tonight, tomorrow night, and saturday night. Hmm... is that really necessary? I am going to be EXHAUSTED!!! I'm not quite sure how I am going to get through tonight with only 4 hours of sleep... Then I will have to get up tomorrow and do it all over again! By the middle of tomorrow night I am definitely going to be dead! Atleast I will be able to sleep in on saturday.

16 hour work days with 4 hours of sleep.. Hmm... seems I'm losing some valuable time here. Where are those missing 4 hours? Oh yeah.. that's right my stupid boss gave me a "break" between jobs of a whole 3 hours.. So lets do some simple math shall we..

15 minutes home from office
15 minute shower
30 minutes hair/makeup etc.. (hey I gotta look good!)
15 minutes to eat
15 minutes to drive to club

So what, that leaves me with a whole 30 minutes for a nap... Yeah right! I would wake up feeling worse than before the nap. One would think that with him knowing about my day job he would atleast have the decency to let me have until 9pm.. Oh yeah, I forgot he is a prick! He doesn't do nice things like that...

I am excited about tomorrow night though, its fantasy friday... So we get to wear a themed outfit instead of our normal uniform. I'm going as a baseball player... Hopefully the outfit turns out okay, I'm making the top myself.. I couldn't find a jersey that was.. how shall I say... risque enough... yeah that sounds good. We'll see how it comes out.. maybe if this one comes out good I can make some different ones. I'm not quite sure what to make though... (any suggestions will be very appreciated!) The other girls wear the cop, maid, fugitive costumes.. all the normal boring store bought ones. Me, I like to be different and of course have the best outfit on with the ability to say I made/designed it!

do I need drivers ed?

2006-02-27T09:55:00.000-05:00

Well..... now that this weekend has passed, my favorite month is almost over :( and now I have nothing to look forward to for a loonngg time! The next few months will be nothing more than Blah...

On saturday I had to take my driving test over... We have some stupid law here that if your license are suspended for more than six months you must take the test again.. Like people forget how to drive in six months. Well, needless to say I was nervous. I know that I know how to drive, but I did have it in the back of my mind that I was going to fuck up on the manoverability (sic)... Then to make it worse, the way the new DMV is here, the wall facing the testing area is all windows so everyone was watching.. (which of course made me more nervous). I wouldn't want to walk back in there after they all just watched me fail...

So I'm sitting in my sisters car watching the girl before me fail horribly, as the knots in my stomach are growing by the second... When its finally my turn the instructor gets in and tells me to pull forward... I go, then I put the car in reverse... At this point I was soo nervous. Then I did it... I mistook the gas for the break and slammed right into the side of this Ford Explorer. SHIT! The whole back of my sister little Nissan Sentra was completely under this monster of a truck.. The instructor didn't know what to do, she just had this look of WTF?!?! on her face... Obviously I was too embarrassed to even speak.. I thought I might fail, but this never crossed my mind. How did I just do that? I remember mistaking the peddles before but I have never actually fucked up this badly before. For some reason I hit that gas so fast that we just flew back... Shit, what was I gonna do... I never heard of anyone causing an accident taking the test before..

Oh, by the way- I'm just kidding! I passed with a perfect score. But ya gotta admit that I had you going there for a while huh? Ha ha ha....

Let me sleep....

2006-02-23T09:02:00.000-05:00

PAM!!!!! Hello....

I hear as my eyes slowly peel open from my deep sleep... WTF?!!? who could be at my house at 7 am waking me up? I'm sick and I need all the sleep I can get! Obviously I must have been in too deep a sleep to hear them pounding on my door.

I cautiously get out of bed. Hmmm.. Should I even attempt to answer it? remembering the crazy dream I had last night. The nyquil I have been taking is like taking acid before going to sleep. The dreams are so vivid and realistic. Last night I dreamt that the guy across the hall from me broke into my house, but not to steal anything, just to scare the crap out of me. As I walked into my house, none of the lights worked. After realizing something wasn't right I ran outta there! And as I was looking at the window I could see his reflection run back to his house. Then of course there was the whole fight scene...

Anyway...

As I step out of my bedroom I could see a hand sticking though a gap in my doorway trying to unhook the chain lock that I always have locked when I'm alone. I have always had a fear of someone breaking in, or already being in when I get home. My heart drops... could this be happening... Yes! it was A... (he has a key) I groggily open the door. Happy Anniversary he says handing me a bouquet of flowers.

What a nice surprise. I wasn't expecting that, and usually he is sooo predictable! Its always nice to wake up and see the person you love! Especially since he has been out of town all week. Unfortunately that will be the only time I see him today. He is tied up tonight and wont be finished until late. We will celebrate tomorrow, but what a nice way to start my day! No wonder I love him... I guess it wouldn't seem that big to some people but we live and work sooo far away from each other. Just knowing he put that much effort to do it means more than any gift could.

Not one year can slip by...

2006-02-21T15:35:00.000-05:00

I thought I was clear... I thought I was actually gonna fly under the radar this year... I thought too soon!

I should have known this would happen. I mean I was in a house with 3 sick people all weekend.. What did I expect. Well, I woke up this morning feeling like shit! Nooo.... I don't wanna be sick! I want atleast one winter where I am not sick for weeks and weeks. I thought that with this nice weather we have had so far that this could be the year. Nope.

So here I am, no sick days left since I used them for my trip to vegas and now I am sick. Damn it... I know its from A's daughter. She slept in bed with us last weekend. I remember waking up like 4 times with her coughing in my face. Everytime I woke up we were face to face, our noses practically touching and there she was just coughing away with all her nasty germs going right down my throat! I kept turning my back to her but I guess in my sleep I kept turning back around. WTF...

Now I feel like crap!! My head is pounding, my nose is stuffed on second then running like its in a marathon the next, and my eyes are constantly watering, but the thing that hurts the most is my throat... It is soooo sore. I keep coughing like every 30 seconds. I'm surprised my bosses haven't said anything to me yet. Do they really wanna catch my cooties? I guess so.. I know when I worked for the insurance broker the second I sounded a little congested they made me leave... Luckily there I didn't have sick days and if they made me leave I still got paid.. So all I had to do was show them I was sick one day and I got to stay home until I was "feeling better".. Oh, the good ole days!

I wonder if they are going to make me work tomorrow night? You would think that in a place where I would be handling peoples food and drinks that I wouldn't be able to work if I was sick. Hmm... we'll see.. If I'm lucky this will be gone by tomorrow night. I plan on going home and over dosing on night quill (sic).. Yuk! I hate that stuff... but it works. Its funny because my mom loves it... She actually enjoys taking it. She has problems, I know.

How exciting.....

2006-02-20T09:07:00.000-05:00

So when I checked my email this morning, there it was... My first letter from my soldier! Oh, I am so excited. Last week I received his name and email from the company and wrote him an email asking what he would like me to send. His name is Dong Yi, he is Korean. He didn't say much, just that he just turned 19 on Valentines day (too young to be in Iraq if you ask me..) and he mentioned that he fixes their vehicles. So far he sounds really nice, I cant wait to find out more about him! If any of you have the time, please do this. There are so many troops who can use our help with things they cannot get, or just words of encouragement if you cannot afford it. Just letting them know that they are appreciated means so much! The website I went to is www.operationac.com but there are many more out there!

Other than that its been an uneventful weekend for me. A and his son were both sick so I did help out there. Its weird because A doesn't have a cold or anything, some kinda stomach thing. He has had a stomach ache for the last 3 or 4 days. Feeling nauseas, dizzy, and pretty much just like shit. I'm not sure what it is. First we thought it was food poisoning, but that would have went away by now. He doesn't have a fever or anything and no medicine is helping. Guess I will make him a doctors appointment today, the only thing is he is going out of town and wont be back until wednesday or thursday.

Oh, and that girl Amy who left me and C at the bar, well I left her a voice mail that night, and I guess I called her a bitch. She told C that I had no right to say that because she told me that she was leaving. Umm... yeah ok, I knew that she was leaving and just sat there, I enjoy being stranded at 2 am far from home, when I have to be to work the next morning. WTF?! She said I need to apologize.. Ha ha ha, there is no way that I am apologizing!

The end is finally here...

2006-02-17T09:05:00.000-05:00

I'm so happy it is friday, I cant wait for today to be over with. It feels like I haven't slept all week. Today wont be much different, I'm just gonna be with A and his kids. It will feel good to just sit around though. Tomorrow night I have to work, so that means I'll be able to sleep in on Sunday. I'm hoping atleast until 11, then I get to do laundry.. sounds fun huh?

So C finally had sex with that guy. Well, actually he is her boyfriend now. She said it wasn't as bad as she had anticipated, but he still needs to learn a little more. We'll see how long this relationship is gonna work. I can tell that he does some things that bother her and for some reason she wont talk to him about them. Stuff like going through her cell phone, and always having to be all over her (touching, hugging, laying on her). The touching part is okay when you're out but when you're just sitting at someones house with like 6 friends it gets old. I told her things like that are just gonna get more annoying with time, but she said that she doesn't want to bring it up cause he gets mad... She'll realize soon enough that it needs to be resolved now, or else she will just start to resent him for doing those things.

As for my love life, well things are going great! Our anniversary is next week. We don't have any big plans but we hopefully will be celebrating the finalization of his divorce. Its been hard on both of us trying to move forward with out relationship but having to deal with that. His ex can be a bitch! and she just makes it that much harder!! She has always made such a big deal about him having a girlfriend. I understood that... But its not like they are getting divorced because of me; it was already happening when I came into the picture. Anyway, so now A just found out that she has been dating some guy... she was only holding me over his head to get more money out of him.. People get so ugly and greedy during divorces. She assumed A would never find out about her bf and was completely shocked when he told her he knew... Thats when she finally agreed to the settlement. So now that everything is agreed upon hopefully this will all be over within the next month! You have no idea how long I have been waiting for this! To finally see all the hurt A has went through-stop. Things sure haven't been easy for him, and I know this will be a ton just lifted off his shoulder...

Reap what you sow?

2006-02-16T08:50:00.000-05:00

In most places in America and for most people that is how life is...

But of course my life has to contradict everything!

I've never denied where I came from, I've tried to always remember my past because it has made me the person that I am today. There are few people with whom I still speak to though, few people I feel are "worthy" of my friendship... There are times when I feel like I have turned my back on certain people because they are not good for me. I feel selfish, and like I act brand new... I know I am not, I know where I came from and just because my life is better now doesn't mean that I will ever forget how it was. I don't feel the way I do today because I think I am better than anyone, I am not! I feel this way because it is the truly the only way to not get sucked back into that type of life. I have to feel that way in order to be a better person for me...

Okay, a little off the subject but anyway...

Last night I went out with C. Nothing to big just to dinner then to play some pool. Everything was going good. C decides that she wants to hang out with this girl Amy. Amy is my friend D's sister. I've known her for ever just never really hung out with her, but C goes out with her all the time. At first everything was fine, we were all having fun then C wants to leave where we were at to go to the most ghettoist bar (yeah, I know that's not a word!) on the west side of Cleveland to check up on one of our friends bfs.

We were only supposed to be there for maybe 10 minutes. The next thing I know Amy is calling C asking where we are, cause she left the bar (she was our ride because I wont drink and drive). This bitch left us there!!! Fucking whore! But that isn't the worse part...

See, I've come to acceptance about who my ex is and what he did. There are a lot of people who don't like him, and in turn don't like me (even though we haven't been together for 2 years) Well it just so happens that some of these guys are at this bar, and it just so happens that they realized who I am. So while on top of trying to find a ride, I have this drunk ass guy telling me...

" I know who you are, but don't worry I'm not going to tell my friends.... But just so you know you should watch your back coming around here.. you realize what could happen to you, what these guys would be willing to do"

WTF?!!?

Of course he told his friends, so all night I have these guys giving me dirty looks. I had no idea what they were gonna do. I really don't appreciate being threatened, and I hate that I am being threatened because of something that I didn't even do! I mean, why do people have to hate me because of something he did. I know its the whole "if I cant harm him physically, then I'll hurt someone who he loves to harm him emotionally" But that is bullshit!!! I didn't tell him to do what he did, hell I didn't even know until it was done. So why do these wannabe "gangstas" find it necessary to hold me responsible for his mistakes? Fucking bastards! Ughh.... I thought all this bullshit was over with. It has been over 2 years since it all started, cant people just get over shit. Or cant they just hold him accountable for what he did, not me... All this has done is awaken the fear that I have been hiding all this time.

Happy Valentines Day!!!

2006-02-14T09:21:00.000-05:00

Hmm... not much to say today, I'm too tired to think.

This second job is really killing me! Last night the other waitress and I cleaned our asses off to get out early, but of course the register was short and for some reason we couldn't leave until is was all sorted out! It ended up being nothing but cost me a precious half hour of sleep! Who knows how long I'll be able to stick in there, but I'm gonna try! the extra money is too good...

Anyway, so C decided to stay with the... umm........ *short* man. ha ha ha.... Hey, what did you expect me to say? there might be kids reading this! I guess she is just going to have to deal with it, maybe for valentines day I should get her a vibrator or a detachable shower head (not sure if that really helps, but from what I have heard it works wonders!) From what I understand they still haven't had sex. She said that they try but he gets so nervous (he's inexperienced) that he either cannot get hard, or one time he just couldn't get it in... hmm... I'm not quite sure what happened there, maybe I should do some investigating and see why he couldn't. I just think its funny that he tried to use the excuse "oh, you're soo tight, I cant get it in" ha ha ha! (guys just so you're aware that is not a good excuse!) not saying that she is a whore or anything its just that she sure aint no virgin! and she has had a baby... and on top of his little problem I don't think that was the reason!

Okay, I need to get off that subject. I feel dirrty talking about that here, don't know why, I just do.

Oh, and today I was doing some research on my zodiac sign (Aquarius) and I read something that was very helpful. You may have noticed that when I did the whole 101 things about me (yeah, I admit it was kinda boring!) that I mentioned one thing that attracts me to men are their ankles.. Well I'm sure some of you were thinking "what the fuck is wrong with this bitch? and I thought I had problems" (screw you!) well, it turns out that each sign has a part of the anatomy attached to it and the anatomical areas for Aquarius are the ankles and calves. Not sure if that means anything but it sounds good at least!

Sunday Night TV.....

2006-02-13T10:19:00.000-05:00

I admit it, I am addicted! It is one of my only guilty pleasures....

Desperate Housewives had me hooked last season, but this season I can leave it or take it.. But Grey's Anatomy, oh... I love it!!! The last 2 episodes had soo much going on though. I know they were just trying to hook new viewers since last week it aired after the superbowl, so I understand. I'm just happy that it can go back to normal next week.

I'm not quite sure what it is about this show that has me hooked. I have never really been into any hospital shows before (like ER or scrubs). All I know is I cannot get enough of it...

Okay, back to reality. This weekend was very uneventful. I didn't do anything. I guess I feel kinda bad for being so lazy! I went out on friday with A to this bar by my house which I just found out a girl I used to dance with her bf owns it. Which of course means that all the bartenders there are girls that I used to dance with also. And since they all love me and A soo much * ; ) * they made our drinks really good!!

I didn't really get that drunk but A was wasted, he said he didn't remember anything.

See, this just backs up my theory about someone slipping me something in Vegas, I mean, I drank way more friday than I did in Vegas and I was completely aware of what I was doing and what was going on!

Okay, anyway other than that me and A just stayed in the house with his kids the rest of the weekend. Its only been a couple of weeks since I have actually spent time with his kids. His daughter is at that age where she is just beginning to understand that daddy and mommy aren't going to be together, and I really don't want her to hate me and think its my fault. So far, so good. At first she was kinda hesitant, she wouldn't talk or come near me, but now she has warmed up and I think she might actually like me! Of course she has no idea who I am to her dad and I plan on keeping it that way for a long time. As for his son, he is too young to even understand anything so its all good with him... I like that A has finally opened up this part of his life to me. I mean, I understand why he would be hesitant to, it just feels good that he loves me enough to let me not just meet them but actually spend time with them. I really does mean a lot...

Okay, enough about me.

When did this happen....

2006-02-10T10:06:00.000-05:00

I'm gone for 4 days and all hell breaks loose....

I just found out that today that my sister and my brother in law are getting a divorce, at least supposedly. WTF?!?! I cant believe this. They have been married for 9 years, and have an 8 year old son. I'm honestly in shock. I mean, yeah they have had their share of problems and they argue all the time but that is just who my sister is. (she can be a major BITCH!!) she is always complaining about something or someone. I always thought that if someone were to initiate a divorce it would be him because I'm sure he gets tired of her shit. But it wasn't him, it was her. That's why I'm so shocked.

Compared to her past relationships, he is the best guy she has ever been with. The last bf/baby daddy (I just love saying baby daddy) anyway, he was a complete ass! He hardly worked, was always fucked up and beat her. He broke her jaw twice, once they were fighting and he hit her with a 2x4. The second time he pushed her down some stairs. They were together for about 8 years, so this went on for a long time.

Anyway, you would think that she would want to stay with someone who loves her, puts up with her shit, helps to take care of her and her kids... etc. Its kinda sad. He is like the brother that I never had. I'm going to miss him! Hopefully this is just one of those things that will pass over and everything will go back to normal. Well see...

On a lighter note, I'm going on my lunch break to change over the title. Then I still have to get an ames test (sp?) done before I can get the plates, but atleast I have this much done! Yay for me!!

So I told ya'll about me adopting a soldier... Well I thought that by now I would have heard something back, but I haven't. I'm a little disappointed. I hate waiting for things like this. I want it NOW!! bastards are taking too long! Hopefully I get a guy, who's cute, sensitive, funny, charming, has a great personality, understands women.....LOL okay, I'm only joking! I don't care what the person is like, man or woman I am just so excited. I feel like a kid on christmas eve waiting for this stupid website to assign me to someone. Damn them....

Mrs. Irresponsibility has left the building

2006-02-09T09:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, she's gone!! I promise!!! dont give me that look.... I'm honestly gonna try! Hey, I'm being serious why are you laughing?

I was soo worried that my boss was gonna be pissed yesterday but he surprised be and wasn't mad at all.... Just said that I need to get it done.

So, even though I only got 3.5 hours of sleep last night since I worked I made myself get up 30 minutes earlier (so actually only 3 hours of sleep) to go to the dmv and start the process of changing it over. The only thing I hate about that is that the title bureau is only open til 4 during the week and 12:30 on Saturday and that is my next step. Damn them, don't they know saturday is my only day to sleep in?! Oh well....

What the hell is up with people not being mad at me lately for stupid things I have done. Not that I'm complaining... I mean, its just a little out of the ordinary. Usually people are mad for stupid reasons and now that they have had a real reason to be mad they're not.. hmm.... guess I should just milk it why I can!

well what else? lets see... oh, I was talking to C yesterday and we were talking about her new bf. I've known this guy for 10-12 years. He's pretty cool, and I guess he is really nice to her. She likes him a lot but they haven't had sex yet... I don't know about you, but I honestly believe that sex is a major part in a healthy relationship. Okay anyway... while I was in Vegas they stayed at my house. Some how they ended up taking a shower together (yeah, still no sex!!) then she saw it.... only about 2-3 inches of.... well... ya know! ha ha ha... 2.5 inches? and no, he wasn't cold! To top it off it was skinny too!!! ha ha ha..... Size does matter guys! to me, not so much length but width.. but if you have neither you're in bad luck!!! So we spent the night going over her options.. What would you do in this situation? leave one of the nicest men you have ever met or stay with someone you know will never fulfill you sexually? Tough Decision... Thank goodness I'm not her!!

ummm...... am I that forgetful???

2006-02-08T13:15:00.000-05:00

So far so good.. Things are still looking up for me and A. Hopefully things stay this way!

As for me, well I'm doing good today... I'm in an excellent mood for some reason. I'm sure it will go away soon since I have to work tonight but atleast its here now!

So I went today and signed up to adopt a soldier. I'm pretty excited about it. I never knew there was a program out there like that or else I would have done it a long time ago. I think it's something alot of people should be doing. I mean, the least we can do is support one troop and send them letters and care packages. I cant wait until they assign me someone so I can get the ball rolling.

I also signed up to volunteer with a group call stand up for kids. It pretty much helps kids that are homeless or spend most of their time on the streets. I wont be able to give a lot of time, but I'm sure anything will help...

Oh, but the one bad thing about to day is that I am screwed! the car that I bought a month ago from my boss, yeah, well I forgot to change into my name... So I have been driving it on the plates that were on there. (which of course he didnt know) and now he needs a copy of the new title in my name! FUCK!!! how could I forget something like that? I swear my mind just slips some times... what the hell am I going to do?!?! he is going to be soooo mad at me!! Oh, yeah the bad part is the plates belong to a guy who died a month and a half ago! What the hell is wrong with me lately? How am I supposed to tell my boss that I am that irresponsible?? FUCK!!!

Two wrongs don't make a right....

2006-02-07T09:06:00.000-05:00

So I have heard... no seriously, they don't, although some times it might feel as if they do.

Well, were do I begin? Lets see.... the first night in sin city I fucked up badly... I'm actually surprised that the rest of the weekend wasn't effected because of my stupid behavior. To me what happened wasnt as bad as how it must have looked through his eyes, but I do understand why it looked the way it did.

I swear that someone must have slipped something in my drink, I don't remember anything. But I do remember that there was no way I drank enough to be that drunk!!! Everything was going good; we were at the club dancing and the next thing I know some girl pulled me away from A and some other person we were dancing with and started dancing with me. Well her bf and his friend started dancing with us. For some reason I didn't even realize what I was doing. It didn't seem to click that I was dancing with a guy... The four of us went to the bar to get a drink and the next thing I know one of the guys kissed me (he kissed me!)... The kiss lasted maybe a couple of seconds and there was NO tongue, but that was just enough for A to see. I don't know why I didn't move away faster... I honestly have no idea what I was thinking. ( just go ahead and tell me how horrible I am... I deserve it!)

Lets just say that that night didn't go very well... I tried so hard to explain to A what happened but I couldn't because I didn't even really know what happened. The next morning I felt so horrible. I told him that I understood why he was mad, there was no way to justify what I did and I would do anything to be able to take it back. Of course that didn't mean much, but I didn't know what to say, I couldn't even look him in the eyes because I felt like such a whore. That is not who I am, and that is not the type of person I want A to see me as. Of course he was mad, and that made him say that maybe I am a slut and just did a good job at making him believe that I am not. It hurt to hear him say that... but i deserved it... I don't want him to think that everytime I go out I dance with guys and let them kiss all over me. I don't!! I don't want him to doubt my loyalty to him... but Im sure he does now.

Later on that day everything just seemed to go back to normal. Like everything that had happened was forgotten. I'm not sure why though. Maybe he realized that I really didn't kiss that guy or maybe this is his excuse to level everything off between us with that horrible lie he told. I don't know. And as much as I want to ask, something is telling me to wait a while so he has time to cool off. I'm so afraid that if I bring it up now, he will not be so forgiving... I'm sure this has made him look at me differently, now his trust for me is probably gone. It feels like we just took 15 steps back in our relationship... Everything was finally getting back to normal, and now I had to fuck it up. I think... okay I'm not sure.. the fact that he didn't stay mad really has me confused, I don't know what to expect.

Well anyway, the rest of the trip was good... we just walked the strip, went to some bars, he gambled and that was about it. We ended up having to leave early because of some things happening back here in cleveland, it sucked but it was only one night early.

Was it worth it? of course not. But there isn't anything I can do to change what happened. Hopefully he can be as understanding as I have been and put this all behind us...

Am I honestly supposed to?

2006-02-02T14:28:00.000-05:00

Why is it people always feel the need to ask... "do you feel any older?"

What do they expect you to say? Yeah, I feel about 1 minute older than I did two minutes ago. Now that I have been 22 for a whole 5 minutes I can feel my metabolism slowing down, my arthritis kicking in, and my hair turning grey!

Okay, I know I'm really making no sense at all but that's okay. I'm working on 4 hours asleep for the second time this week. When I'm tired I just ramble on and on. I have but one drop of energy in my body and I need to save that for all the packing and laundry I have to do tonight. Of course I didn't pack already... you actually thought I was serious when I said I was going to pack on Tuesday? Don't you pay any attention?
I am the procrastinator! *said in my best arnold schwartzenegger voice* (which isn't very good, but hey I tried!)

Okay, someone just tell me to shut up, I 'm annoying myself! Ahh.. I need sleep! Lucky for me I have a 9 am flight tomorrow so hopefully I will catch up on my lost visits from the marshmallow man as babs would say. Damn, now I have that stupid ghostbuster song stuck in my head!

Who ya gonna call.. dananana dananana.....

Oh, and I went today and bought some of those chaser hangover pills. Figured that I can try them out and hopefully they will work that way I wont be sick all weekend.

Okay, I need to stop typing, my thoughts are everywhere and if they arent making sense to me I can just imagine how they sound to you.. Have a great day!

Well I'll be back o Tuesday to fill y'all in on all the good things that happen this weekend...

My honey.....

2006-02-01T09:32:00.000-05:00

Another boring day in the office...

With a lot of people talking about their furry friends I'm gonna tell ya'll about my cat honey..

Oh, how I loved her! she was my favorite animal ever... I got her when she was 4 weeks old and for the first 3 weeks that I had her I was grounded (hey, I was only 15) so I was constantly with her. We became very close and whenever I was in the house she was either on my lap, walking next to me, or hitchin a ride on my shoulders. When I slept she was always sleeping across my neck, and she would nibble on my ears.

As she started getting older she acted like a dog.. She played fetch, she would let me take her for walks on a leash (she was an indoor cat) and she even learned a couple tricks. We were so compatible, I guess me raising her made her personality just like mine. Everyone that ever met her said that she acted and had an attitude just like mine. We were inseparable.

In the house that I lived in my mother and her bf "lived" in the basement. They had it set up like a separate apartment for themselves so me and my sister would never be bothered with them. They had one of the rooms separated my a couple blankets to keep the heat in.

One night I had just gotten home and lied down on the couch for a minute. My sister was asleep in her bedroom and her bf J was in my room on the internet along with honey. He was in my room smoking weed so he would put a wet towel under the door so the smoke/smell wouldn't fill the whole house. Unknown to him the basement had caught on fire, and on top of the normal smoke, there was an exceptional amount of more thick smoke due to the blankets catching fire. I have no idea why the smoke detectors didn't go off, they worked! Even the fire department said they weren't sure what happened.

Anyway, the whole house was filled with this thick black smoke except for my bedroom, and by this time my sister and I were both pretty much unconscious due to smoke inhalation. I guess my cat honey started flipping out. She was pretty much crying, running around, doing all she could to get J's attention. At first he just ignored her thinking that maybe she just wanted to play, but after awhile he just decided to lock her out of the room cause she was being "annoying". When he opened the door that's when he seen the smoke. It took him about 5 -10 minutes to finally get us conscious to where we were able to get out of the house. Lucky for us the fire was contained in the basement.

That was probably one of the scariest moments of my life. Waking up and not being able to see anything except smoke. I remember hearing J trying to wake up my sister R and her not understanding.. all she kept saying was I am awake over and over... But while I was hearing this I couldn't bring myself to wake up. I could hear everything going on but I couldn't move or open my eyes. Nothing felt real, it all seemed like a dream!

After the fire truck came and the fire was out, all I could think about was honey. She jumped out of the window when they busted it to spray the water... I searched and searched and I was so afraid that I wouldn't find her when all of a sudden she came running from behind the garage and just jumped into my arms. She started purring and licking the sut off of my face.

Thank god everyone was okay, but the medics said that if my sister and I would have been in the smoke for a couple more minutes we might have died from the smoke inhalation. It was scary to hear that. But to know that I lived because of honey was a great feeling, who knows what might have happened if she wouldn't have been there.

A couple years later when I was moving my new apartment wouldn't except cats. I tried so hard to find a place that would, but I ran out of time. I had to take her to a shelter ( I found a no-kill shelter). Leaving her there that day was soo hard. I had to act like she was a stray in order for them to take her, so I couldn't cry. As soon as I stepped foot out the door I remember the tears just came running down my face. Even just writing about it brings tears to my eyes now..

I love my cats now, but they will never compare to honey!

Who needs a thigh master....

2006-01-31T14:28:00.000-05:00

Another night another 1000 stairs....

I had to work again last night, it wasn't as bad as saturday. I was the only waitress though, and of course some people wanted VIP... So up and down the stairs I went. You guys were right about the work out, man my legs and feet have been killin me the last couple of days! But I'm not complaining. I liked being the only waitress it makes everything that much easier because you always know whats going on and who should need a drink. Your not running around asking people who just got drinks if they need a new one..

The only thing I didn't like was cleaning up after.. Oh, it was disgusting! For the most part it was normal shit like washing off the table and cleaning the mirrors on the stage. But unfortunately for me the dishwasher was broken so I had to do the dishes. And the thing with me is I don't do dishes...okay, I mean I do my dishes, but I have a system as to how I do them. First off I never use "dish water" I have this weird thing about me where I cant put my hand in water that is not clear. So for my dishes I use one of those sponge sticks where you put the liquid soap in the handle and it comes out of the sponge.. (those are great!) Of course they don't do that there, and I had to put my hand in that nasty water. I honestly thought for a second that I was going to be sick. And I know some of you out there are probably thinking what a snotty stuck up girl she must be if she cant even put her hand in dish water. Well fuck you! I don't care; if that makes me stuck up then call me Ms. Diva! some people have phobias of animals, snakes whatever... mine is of dirty dish water.. Especially when the food touches my hand.. eww... The bad thing is its only food. Why do I freak out sooo badly? I just don't get it.. I tell myself its only food, there isn't anything it can do to hurt me, I guess its a mind thing because it gives me the chills just thinking about it... I ended up getting home around 3:15 but couldn't fall asleep til 4. So I'm running on fumes right now, don't mind me! I think I've yawned about 1000 times since I got in the office this morning...

So I'm still counting down the days, and they seem to be dragging along.. Is friday ever gonna come? It feels like I still have soo much to do before we leave, yet I don't know what. I guess I'm going to pack tonight since I have to work again tomorrow night and thursday I will be running around with A since he will just be getting back from detroit that night and will have a lot of laundry/packing/everything else to do.. I really wanted to go out thursday with C and some other friends since it is my bday and all, but I doubt I'm gonna want to be on the plane friday AM with a hangover. My luck I'd get stuck next to some 500lb guy with the worse BO ever, or next to a crying baby or something.

Vegas Baby!!

2006-01-30T13:36:00.000-05:00

Finally the week has come... for my birthday!!!

I am so excited to get the hell outta here! I cant wait until Friday! I'm sure this week will go by extremely slow though..

Atleast I will be busy so my mind will be on other things. I started my other job last week. It wasn't that bad thursday but saturday was a nightmare! I've never worked soo hard for such a small amount of money.

The night started off slow, it didn't start picking up until about 11:30. Now let me explain the VIP. It is up about 25 stairs and costs 100$ either spent by buying a bottle of champagne or 100$ worth of drinks.. Gratuity is NOT included. If the customer doesn't spend the whole 100$ the bar keeps the rest. Lucky for me I ended up stuck with all the VIP tables except 1. One might think that since these guys are going into VIP they plan on spending money.. WRONG!

So for my first table there were 6 guys and they had 2 dancers with them. Common sense would be that every time I went to get a drink for them (all the way down stairs) that I would be getting 8 drinks. Nope, this is how it was. Only one person would need a drink, so I would go down all 25 stairs get the drink, go back up the 25 stairs and give it to them. Then of course, someone else would need a drink so I would do the same thing over and over. This went on for about 3 hours with this table, I think all together they tipped me 25$, not too bad. Then because I already had a table up there I got stuck with the next VIP table. This time it was simpler only 3 guys... But these asses didn't even tip me at all! WTF!!??!?! Then, because this dumb whore told the door guy to give me the last VIP table (which was supposed to be hers) I got stuck with another one. This time it was just like the first, about 6-7 guys and 3 dancers. And again, everytime I got a drink it was just one. The only difference this time was that most of the guys were broke only one guy was paying, so he was the only one tipping me and only when I got him a drink.

I think I had to have walked up and down those stairs atleast 200 times. really... I'm not exaggerating at all. And of course the downstairs was packed! So everytime I said something to the manager about me not being tipped all he had to say was "well you can wait on people down here too!" How the hell was I supposed to wait on anyone down there when I had to keep running back up those fucking stairs to take care of some broke losers?

By the end of the night I honestly thought my feet were on fire, they have never hurt sooo bad! And I only made 50$ WTF!!!

Who am I ?

2006-01-26T15:57:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm bored.... I have nothing better to do than to shed some light on the person ya'll know as lilly...

101 things about me and my life!

1. I love useless facts
2. I name my animals after disney characters.
3. I have 2 cats names miko (the pug from pocahontas (sp?)) and lilo (from lilo and stitch)
4. I am the youngest of 4 girls.
5. when I was in the womb the doctors told my mother that if she had me I would be mentally retarded! WTF?
6. I own over 35 pairs of shoes.
7. I only have 1 pair of tennis shoes.
8. I took honors classes in middle and high school..
9. I enjoy being artistic..
10. I once dated my art teachers son.
11. I once dated a guy in MENSA.
12. My boyfriend now is 10 years older than me.
13. I love older men!
14. I now have black hair
15. I once had my hair 20 different shades at once.. (Nothing drastic, very subtle!)
16. I always dye my own hair and am very good at it.
17. My hair once turned green from my pool and it wouldn't come out for 6 months!
18. My real grandfather was hit by a train.
19. My mother has 7 brothers and sisters.
20. My father is a jackass!
21. I have a half sister that I have never met.
22. I have kissed a couple girls..
23. I lost my virginity at 16.
24. I didn't have my first orgasm until I was 19.
25. My ex-fiance was called the "kingpin" of cleveland.
26. I have 4 tattoos.
27. I had a pierced nipple, bellybutton and nose.
28. I have wrestled in pudding and bubblebath.
29. I danced for a total of 2.5 years
30. I can be very ornery...
31. I like smart asses!
32. My boyfriend is a smart ass.
33. I am not attracted to skinny guys, they have to be atleast double my weight.
34. I am 5'5 140lbs.
35. I am the tallest of my sisters.
36. I once worked for an insurance broker
37. I cant swim.
38. I can speak well in front of crowds
39. I'm in debt
40. I LOVE football!
41. I cant sing...
42. I love my cats more than most people.
43. My house caught on fire before.
44. My cat honey saved my life from that fire!!!
45. I had to get rid of honey and miss her soooo much!
46. When I was young I looked like a boy.
47. I am obsessed with counting things.
48. I recently learned how to knit.
49. I am a procrastinator.
50. I hate people who are always running late.
51. I love white wine.
52. I am very sarcastic
53. I think sarcasm is humor
54. I took a guys virginity.. (I will never do that again!)
55. I have never been in a fight with a girl
56. I have been in a fight with a guy
57. I do not look like anyone in my family
58. I had diverticulitious
59. It hurt like hell!
60. Vampires turn me on
61. I was felt up by a porn star before..
62. I am quiet around people I do not know.
63. I will NEVER go to a restaurant or bar alone!!
64. I mumble alot
65. I always put everyone else before me.
66. I can not pronounce massachusetts
67. I rock myself to sleep at night
68. I hate my name
69. I HATE onions and mushrooms
70. I am very punctual
71. Once I almost drowned in my bathtub, and was saved by my sister!
72. I am not into politics
73. I didn't vote, but now am kicking myself in the ass for not voting against bush!
74. I enjoy play wrestling with people
75. I can speak with my eyes.
76. I would have won prettiest eyes in highschool, but later found out it was rigged and that's why I lost.
77. I lost contact with all of my friends from school
78. I was a class clown
79. I was the president of the art club
80. I was only president because I was dating the teachers son.
81. I have my name in 24 karat gold on a mural in the school!
82. I broke my middle fingers 3 times playing football
83. I can be lazy
84. I am very loyal
85. I do not trust many people
86. I am dependable
87. I was once arrested for telling the truth but the cops thought I was lying.
88. I don't keep many friends for a long time
89. I have over 50 cousins and speak to none of them
90. my ass and feet are always cold like ice
91. my ass is ticklish.. ( I have no idea why..)
92. I judge part of a guys looks on his ankles!
93. My dancer name was Athena
94. I love fashion and often "touch up" my clothes with my own personal touches
95. I have gained 20 lbs in the last year
96. I once had a job cleaning out fish tanks
97. my favorite food is stuffed cabbage rolls
98. I am very girly
99. But I don't mind getting dirty!! I love the outdoors
100. my favorite color is black
101. I really don't care... I just go with the flow!

Damn, I cant believe you read all that crap! Well atleast you know have some incite on the person that I am! Hope you enjoyed it...

Yeah, I admit we have problems...

2006-01-25T11:25:00.000-05:00

So it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be...

Thats because lucky for me my father was out of town!! It was actually nice to see some of my family that I haven't seen in over 6-7 years. And to re-meet some of my family that I haven't seen since I was about 6 or 7... Its bad that this is the way we had to be reunited, but what can ya do?

Of course it was good to see my cousins (whom I despise by the way; because they are the type that think they are way better than us even though they came from the same family and neighborhoods)... It was good to see them because they have all gotten fat.. Not that there is anything wrong with people who are over weight, its just good to see them fat! See, my cousins and my sisters and I don't get along... its like we are always competing against each other even though we never see each other. Its hard to explain, its just a gossip thing I guess. Its like... okay, now that we have seen them and kinda caught up on everything; the car ride home is nothing but gossip and pretty much bad mouthing the others and its the same for them...

don't cha just love family!!!

Then you have the guy who just brags soo much.. All he (my cousin) did was sit there and brag to my brother-in-law about some stupid bike that he bought... Okay, he isn't rich so how can he afford a 35,000$ motorcycle you might ask? actually its kinda funny... see, his wife was caught steeling money from the government here in cleveland. Yeah, she was all over the news and everything.

But don't forget, they are better than I am... HA!!

But the award for the best story of the night goes out to my cousin P... She is the main one who walks with her nose stuck in the air... acting like her shit doesn't stink... Well, lately there have been rumors in my family that she has this new guy who is so great.. blah blah blah.. Turns out this guy is older than her father, with white hair and looks like humpty dumpty...You know, the kinda guy that's shaped exactly like the penguin from Batman... Oh, I just about lost it when I seen him... but I didn't, I stayed respectful to my late uncle.

I know I am a horrible person, the last thing that should have been on my mind were things like that. But hey, what did you expect. Yes I did love my uncle and I am sad that he died, but this is how my family is... just a little sick and twisted.. But really, whose not?

In loving memory...

2006-01-24T14:11:00.000-05:00

Its just one of those days, where I am bored as hell... Nothing to do and nothing to blog about.

BLAH!!!

And to top it off its such a gloomy day. I have to leave work at 4 because I have to go to my uncle K's funeral this afternoon. I'd rather not go at all, but I have to pay my respects. I guess I feel kinda guilty that I'm not as sad as I should be. I mean, he is my uncle. But I haven't seen him in over 10 years... He didn't even come to my grandfathers funeral. I really have no idea who he is... Well, I do know that he was a very bad alcoholic. He basically lived at the bar with one of my other uncles. Between the two of them they probably drank enough liquor to get the whole US military buzzed...

I do have some memories of him though.... I remember watching him sit around my grandparents table playing poker with my other uncles, smoking his pipe... ohh how I loved the smell of that pipe... I remember that he always smelled like pabst blue ribbon beer.. I remember he made me take my first sip of beer (yes, pabst blue ribbon... YUK!) when I was about 7 or 8... He said if I didn't like the taste then, then hopefully I would never drink it again.. Boy was he wrong! And I also remember that I always thought he was creepy because in a freak accident at work 5 of his 10 fingers were cut off... Not all the way just 2/3 of the way.. actually it still kinda freaks me out...

Another reason I don't want to go is the fact that I'm sure my father will be there. Hopefully he wont recognize me and I can just ignore him.. Yeah, that might have actually worked if his stupid wife wouldn't have taken pictures at the baby shower... Dumb broad! now I'm stuck... Maybe I can just act like I didn't see him... Or just act.. shit I don't know, I'm out of ideas!

So here's to you uncle K...

Tag me....

2006-01-23T13:56:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Apos I get to do this lovely survey... Not that I'm complaining, I mean, who doesn't love these things! I know I do!!!

3 names you answer to:
Pam

Pamela

Athena (Yes, I am the greek goddess of wisdom and war!)

3 parts of your heritage:
American Indian

Irish

who the hell knows, I'm a fucking mutt!

3 things that scare me:
Nightmare on Elm Street movies...

being raped by a cop ( I know its a little weird, I cant help it... They are able to get away with soo much)

Alzheimers

3 of your everyday essentials:
lip gloss

my necklace from my bf.. I feel naked without it!

black eyeliner.. The best makeup invention ever!!!

3 things you are wearing right now:
black dress pants

black shoes

button up blouse

3 of your favorite songs:
Breathe - Anna Nalick

At Last - Etta James

hmm... lets think of something new, those are old..

Unpredictable - Jamie Foxx

3 things you want in a relationship (other than real love):
Good.... no GREAT sex!

laughter

friendship

2 truths and 1 lie (in any order):
My father is the best dad in the whole wide world!! ha!

I have blue eyes

I've never been on a motorcycle

3 things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
strength

smell

eyes

3 of your favorite hobbies:
drawing

knitting - I'm just learning how!

shopping (YES, that IS a hobby- atleast it is for me :) )

3 places you want to go:
Cambodia - really anywhere is Asia

anywhere with a black sand beach

Texas to see my mom..

3 things you want to do before you die:
Scuba dive/swim with dolphins

have a family of my own... I want to be that soccer mom!

open a boutique

3 ways that you are stereotypically a male/female:
I love hair, makeup, nails etc..

I change my mind alot!!

I love for my bf to compliment me...

3 people you would like to take this survey:

Whose left? I hate this since my pc at home is broken I never know what has happened over the weekend... I dont want to double tag someone so WHOEVER hasn't done this- TAG your it... and if you think that you can be sneaky and don't do it cause I didn't officially tag you... Watch OUT I'll eventually find out!

Blah blah blah

2006-01-23T11:55:00.000-05:00

What a dull weekend...

I didn't do anything. Friday A (the bf) and I just stayed at his house and watched ghost. I had forgotten most of the parts so it was like watching it for the first time. It was okay, the whole ghosts coming out of the shadows was kinda corny though...

Then on saturday I went and visited my baby Jada. Oh, she is getting so big... well not really. She is only 9lbs... I just keep putting into perspective that some babies are born at 9-10 lbs, some even bigger... and she is just now weighing that at 2 months. But she is so friggin adorable! I love her so much....

Then on Sunday I just went to watch the games with A... GO SEAHAWKS!!!!!! They better kick ass because I will be sooo mad if the Steelers win. Ughh... I'm already mad that they're going in the first place... I was actually kinda surprised how the games went. Both games were dominated by one team, which I wasn't expecting.. I was happy that the seahawks played so good but to see Pittsburgh play like that made me sick, and to top it off the bar we were at was filled with nothing but steelers fans.

Oh, I also got my new outfit for my waitressing job... Its just a black skirt, black bustier and black boots.. Of course I had to spruce it up alittle with some of my own touches so I added some layers of white lace under the skirt and I'm thinking about some ways to touch up the bustier cause its a little plain... Theres really not much I can do though. Oh well... I'll still look good!

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....

2006-01-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

Feel like shit? eh, just a little......

I went out last night with C and my friend T. The night started out okay... I guess it ended okay too.. But I did learn that my friend T is crazy when it comes to men.

I posted about her before when her bf of 2 years cheated on her (and is now dating) her "best" friend. Well since then she has been dating some guy Eric.. they were dating for a couple months when he proposed to her and she said yes. Now let me just say that these two knew nothing about each other... They didn't know the little things that your supposed to know, like she had no idea that he didn't eat steak. Come on, how are you going to be engaged to someone and not know that. Or she didn't know where he lived or worked... Only what he does for a living. So its obvious that this relationship was doomed from the beginning..

Last night, she made me and C ride with her to some corny bar in Mentor (atleast 40 minutes from my). When we walked in all we did was use the bathroom then we left... A waste of 1.5 hours? hell yes! Then on the way home (while me and C are already irritated from going all the way there) she decides she wants to find his house... Okay, that wouldn't be a problem if they were still together... but they broke up 2 weeks ago! WTF?!!? why do you want to find it now? Don't you think its a little too late? dumb bitch...

So after driving up and down this street for like 20 minutes some how she finally finds his house. (actually she talked his other girlfriend into giving her his address) Do you know what this bitch does? You wont believe it.... She turns around and drives home. WTF!!!!! you have got to be kidding me right? We just searched for his house like the dude was on americas most wanted or something and this chick is just gonna turn around and go home.... I just Don't get it... That was the most pointless thing I have ever done in my whole life!

Once we finally get back to cleveland we go to our regular bar.... While there we were celebrating C's birthday.. Okay, it really wasn't her birthday just the birthday of the girl on her fake ID... (shes young) Remember that C just got out of the hospital for being paralyzed for 6 months... she didn't want to take her wheelchair so she was only using a crutch... Not even 2 crutches just one... Anyway, she ends up getting sooo drunk. I guess these guys kept buying her shots, whatever I have no idea. But by the end of the night she could barely stand up and it didn't help that her ankles were hurting from trying to dance all night. So we go to the bathroom and I'm trying to help her but she wouldn't let me, she kept saying she could do it and for me to leave her alone... So I did... She was in the stall and the next thing I know she falls through the door lands on her stomach with her pants and underwear down to her ankles. I was trying so hard not to laugh (I knew she wasn't hurt, come'on I'm not that bad of a friend) I tried to help her up but she just sat right back down on the floor with no pants on.. Finally I was able to convince her to let me put her pants back on. Luckily there was no one else in there!

After going to my house and eating, then arguing with C because she thought she ordered food too but she didn't, and putting her to bed I think I finally went to sleep at like 3:30...

Oh, and you know what else, it feels so good to actually be able to remember the whole night... I'm really liking this no shot rule.... Being too drunk is so 1994....

I'm back!!!

2006-01-19T08:50:00.000-05:00

So I'm going back to my old ways......

Okay, not really but I am headed back to the strip club. Not as a dancer though, just a waitress. I'm pretty excited about it. Last night I had to take C to work; she is the door girl at the club she danced at before getting sick. I worked there maybe for one or two nights before so I kinda knew the manager. When he came in last night I asked for the job and got it just like that. I'll be working 2-3 nights a week from 8pm to about 2-2:30 am. I know that I am going to be tired but I'm sure I can handle it. I really need the extra money....

Besides, working in a strip club is probably the best job to have. I mean, good music, a fun atmosphere, a lot of people just having a good time and the work is soo easy. It will also satisfy my need for excitement. That was one great thing about dancing, I was always in the "bar" atmosphere so it pretty much satisfied all my urges to go out. And to be honest sitting here all day, then just going home at night is really getting old. Hell I'm young I'm supposed to be having fun not being a hermit! Ever since I lost my purse in November I haven't went out unless it was with the bf and that is usually on Fridays (except on new years eve) then Saturday I usually just sit at home bored...

I cant take it any longer!!!! I need to be me again... I need the fun, the hustle, the skimpy clothes, and the naked women of the strip club.... Its who I am and I am not ashamed to say it!!! People can criticize all they want... Criticize the strippers and judge them based upon their job only... But in all honesty some of the most eccentric, honest and trustworthy people I have ever met were strippers. They're not as bad as every assumes... so what they take their clothes off... Atleast its a legal job, its not like they are selling their bodies (although some do.. but not all!) To me I think its the perfect job. It makes you feel powerful, it builds your self esteem tremendously, its a great workout, and not to mention the money is phenomenal!

I think some people (mostly women, and especially married ones) who haven't been to a strip club have this idea of what its like, so they get jealous and don't let their men go to any.. They probably think that the girls are all drunk, being slutty, with the guys being able to touch them and do what ever they want... But that is sooo wrong! First off, at most places the girls are limited on their drinks, or they're really only drinking juice but pretend its alcohol so the guys think they are drunk (it plays into the game). And if a girl gets too drunk the manager will most likely send them home. Secondly, NO TOUCHING IS ALLOWED!!! it doesn't matter who the guy is NO touching! In most cases not only will the guy get thrown out, but the girl will be fined for letting him do it... (unless of course she stops him) usually this fine is around $70... so is it really worth letting some jackass touch me? NO!! Lastly, if your worried about your man cheating on you, the strip club is where you want him to go! Think about it.... 90% of the time the girls are NOT going to go home with any men, they might tell them they will, but that's just the "game" of being a dancer... Its not true! At a regular bar its more like 90% of the single women will go home with men... So which odds are better. Letting him see naked women who you can be assured it will only be looking then him coming home to you or sending him to a regular bar where the girls get wasted and if he really wants to take one to a hotel for a one night stand most likely he will?? Hmm.... tough choice?

What the hell happened, this was supposed to be a post about my new job, not me defending strippers.... Whatever, I just had to make a point... Strippers aren't that bad, they're not out to steal you man, and most aren't whores.... just so you know!

what happens in cleveland - stays in vegas!

2006-01-18T09:13:00.000-05:00

Well this month is almost over and slowly approaching is my trip to Vegas... I'm not really as excited as I was before. Things have changed, and now I'm worried that me and the jackass bf aren't going to have fun together. Things are already starting between us about it.

Last night we were talking about it, all he kept talking about was gambling. Yeah, I enjoy gambling too just not as much as him. He can sit and play texas hold'em for hours and hours. I understand he wants to play, but if he expects me to sit and wait for him everyday to play, he has a rude awaking coming!! No fucking way am I going to spend my birthday/anniversary trip alone. WTF do I look like?

I just know this is going to start an argument. I'll be nice and give him one day, I mean I really cant say no-he is paying for everything. But I think one day is fair enough. I should be a bitch and not let him gamble at all..... He is still supposed to be kissing my ass; and since this week was useless because he is out of town all week(there hasn't been any ass smoochin going on) he needs to make it up to me. Sometimes I feel like since I have forgiven him that he thinks everything should automatically go back to normal.... Could he be anymore wrong?!?! I should have thought this whole trip thing over a little more and just had him take me to aruba or something. Honestly, what the hell was I thinking? who knows, I musta been smokin some good shit!

What I am excited about is that my friend Tone is getting out of prison today. He has to go to a halfway house for a couple of months but that's better than prison...(yeah, I know I have alot of friends in prison... ) The reason he went was soo stupid. Not drugs or anything like that.. One day him, his cousin and a friend got drunk and stupid. His cousin had a gun and ended up shooting some guys house (he was fighting with the guy). How fucking stupid is that? well my friend had gun powder on his hands too so he got in trouble also. Anyway, I cant wait to see him, its been 2.5 years and so much has changed... I cant wait to see what he looks like, or for him to see me... ( I look completely different than I did then) Hopefully he has learned something while in there and doesn't come out acting the way he did before. Maybe he will actually have a head on those shoulders and do something with his life! I would hate to see him ruin it again, he's getting chance to start over. Something that a lot of people would kill for. I know I would...

Look your fear in the eye!

2006-01-16T08:42:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to thank everyone for their support on my last post. I really appreciate everyone here and you guys have given me the much needed words of advice that my friends could not; since they had a biased opinion about the whole thing. Advice can mean so much more coming from strangers...

Anyway, things are looking better. We are trying to work things out, but its going to be a long process for me to rebuild my trust. The first couple of days were the hardest. At the time I honestly wasn't sure if we could ever get past this. It was one of those things where everytime I looked at him I literally got sick to my stomach. As much as he has apologized (and as cliche as it sounds) sorry didn't do it, his apologies meant nothing. He realizes that this was something that truly hurt me and has been doing some much needed ass kissing to make up for that. (though he could be doing more !)

I think this weekend was what made me realize that I can get past this. We were put in the position where I had to confront the "lie" face to face and neither of us were sure what would happen. It turned out pretty well. Actually, I'm kinda shocked at how well it turned out. Going into it I thought there would be some hostility on my part, but there wasn't. I embraced the problem head on, and it felt really good. Hopefully he has realized this also... We haven't spoke much about it over the weekend, so I'm not sure on his whole intake on my reaction.

What can I say, this has been the largest obstacle that we have had to conquer, though I wish it wouldn't have happened I guess I'm kinda happy that it did. It has shown me that my love for him is true. (I already knew, but a little proof doesnt hurt!) It proved that we can get past the big things and not let them destroy us.

Obviously, its not over, there are still some hard feelings. And me being the sarcastic bitch that I am, remind him everyday what an ass he was... okay maybe more like 3-4 times a day...(but hey, I'm allowed!) I need the satisfaction of reminding him that although I have forgiven him, this will never be forgotten....

Misery loves company...

2006-01-11T08:55:00.000-05:00

If that's the case than I should be surrounded by people right now....

I've mentioned my bf "A" a couple times, I've even dedicated a post to him over at blogster. I've never really explained much about our relationship or anything so I guess I have to start from the beginning so you can fully understand my dilemma today.

About 2-2.5 years ago I met him. I was at a very difficult time in my life, still "with" my ex R who was in prison at the time. It had been one year since R first went to prison and we obviously weren't getting along and I was physically and emotionally lonely. When I met A at first it was just a lust thing. He is a very attractive man and everything that I could ever want. We dated for about 3 months. During that time I honestly came to love him. I know its fast but he just seemed like that missing puzzle piece that completed me.

With things not going well with his ex, I couldn't handle our "relationship" any longer and I broke it off. At the time it was obvious that he didn't want that. Though he might not have admitted to loving me I know that he did have strong feelings towards me. As hard as it was for me to let him go, deep down I knew that it had to be done.

After our breakup I got out of control. I started drinking everyday, and I mean drinking. I hit an all time low. That is when I got my DUI, and two weeks later crashed my car. I wasn't myself.... Soon I couldn't pay my bills or rent so I moved out of my apartment and in with a friend.

For the next couple of months life was just one big party. Out every night drinking away the pain that I still felt in my heart for him.

Soon 6 months have flown by and for a couple of weeks I have been dying to call him. I just couldn't get the balls to actually dial the number. One night my roommate and I were having a party. I was pretty drunk and I called, he didn't answer so I left a message just saying hi..

Later in the night he called me back and hearing his voice made my heart jump! I was still dancing at the time and asked him if he would come see me one day. A week or so later he did. When I seen him it felt like we never parted. All the feelings that I had came rushing back.... and I could tell they did for him also. He was still having problems with his ex-but I was determined to not let that interfere with our relationship this time.

Time passes and we are brought to present time... I love him to death. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for him. I also know that he loves me. But now things have changed. Yesterday I found out that he betrayed me. During the time that we were apart he did something that I just cannot believe he did. And to top it off I just found out. It hurts me so bad to think that all this time has just been a big lie. He keeps reassuring me that its not a lie, he just never told me about it. And that in no way had it ever affected our relationship.. Everything about us has been true this is just a secret that he felt he had to keep from me.

But to me it has affected us. It honestly broke my heart yesterday when he told me it was true. He claims the reason he didn't tell me about it in the beginning is that he knew I would never have given him a second chance. What can I say, in no way would I have even thought of starting our relationship if I knew this.

And that is why I'm torn. This really doesn't effect me just my trust in him... And when he asked me if I would rather have had him tell me and us not be together I couldn't answer because I don't know. I hate that he kept this from me, but at the same time I love him sooo much. I couldn't imagine him not being in my life. But everytime I think about it it makes me so fucking livid! I feel so betrayed, that I couldn't even look him in the eyes last night. I didn't even want him touch me but at the same time I couldn't push him away...

I don't want to end things because of this. But I don't know if or when I will ever be able to trust him again...

Love fucking sucks!!!

Waterfall....

2006-01-10T14:31:00.000-05:00

What a boring tuesday.... Nothing to do but sit here and fuck around! blah....

So after adding some pics to my page (don't ya just love happy bunny... he always tell the truth) I was thinking about what to blog. Nothing came to mind so I am just going to give shanon the rules to waterfall...

To start place all cards in the center of a table face down... mix around into a large pile.

After you pick a card keep it do not place it back in the pile!

Be sure to use your imagination!!! the more creative the players are the harder the game is!

cards action

2-5- "social" - everyone has to take one drink

6- whomever pulls this card must take 6 drinks

7 & 8- "category" for example- name brands of shoes, clothes, etc. You start with the
person to the right of whomever pulled the card and go in a circle. The first to
repeat an answer or not have an answer must take one drink.

9- "rhyme" same idea as 7-8 but with words that rhyme

10- "thumbmaster" this one is kinda tricky... whomever has this card is
the thumbmaster until someone picks another 10. As the
thumbmaster you can place your on the table (kinda like your pushing
a button) whenever and as often as you'd like. The last person to put
their thumb on the table has to take one drink.

Jack- Whomever picks this card chooses one person to take one drink

Queen- All the ladies take one drink

King- All the guys take one drink

Ace- Whoever picks an ace gets to make up ANY rule they would like. For
example they can make a rule where noone can say the words drink,
drank, or drunk (that's the most common rule because its very hard to
not say those words while playing) Some other common rules are; no
elbows on the table, no words beginning with any certain letter, etc. Whoever
does not "obey" the rule must take a drink or maybe more if there is
a rule for that.There is no end to the possibilities of these rules. They affect
all players including the person who made the rule and last the entire
game. When another ace is pulled you cannot make a rule to "cancel" out
another rule already made. All rules must be valid until the end of the game!!!

Well that's about it, sounds kinda confusing but its a lot of fun. There really isn't a winner, I guess the person who lasts the longest wins....

Its her parrttyyyy she can dance if she wants too....

2006-01-09T16:01:00.000-05:00

Suprisingly this weekend turned out pretty fun...

With C out of the hospital, but still not able to walk alone I decided to throw her a welcome home party. Something that was not easy for me to do... I have this problem with people being in my house, I hate when there are more than like 4 people there. I have no idea why but I have always been like this.

The party started off with only 5 of us at about 8pm. By 9:30 we were already headed back to the liquor store. Yeah, we were pretty drunk! We started off playing spades but soon we were playing this drinking game called waterfall... its probably the most exciting drinking game I've ever played. Its not one of those boring games where its all by chance or skill. Its more based on of how much can you remember, your vocabulary, reflexes and creativity! I love it, but it gets you DRUNK!!

By about 10-10:30 there were probably 10-15 people there. I know that's not a lot for a party but my apartment is small and like I said I don't like having people in my house. It was bothering me with them all there but C was having a great time... that's all that matters.

After we played cards everyone started dancing and being crazy... This guy B was dancing on my table, drinks were being spilt everywhere, everyone trying to talk over everyone else who were already talking over the music (which was probably too loud!) and some girl that is a friend of a friends being a fucking whore.... it was crazy! Everyone was pretty wasted except C, she only drank a little but she was buzzed. She even got up and was trying to dance with her walker. She used to be a very good dancer so she was trying to see what she could still do. There were a couple times I thought she was going to fall but our friends were always there to make sure she didn't.

By the end of the night I started being a bitch I guess. I don't really recall what I was saying but according to some friends I wasn't being very nice to certain people. I think it was because on top of all the alcohol I didn't what some of them there, but at the same time didn't want to kick them out.. I mean, it technically wasn't my party.

Other than that, everyone had fun! I'm sure my neighbors weren't too happy but fuck; C will only have to get out of the hospital after a 6 month visit once.... hopefully!

The next morning my house was TRASHED!!! It took me about 3 hours to clean... and of course I did it alone... oh well, that's what friends are for right?

Only me....

2006-01-06T12:04:00.000-05:00

Thank goodness its FRIDAY!!!

For some reason it feels like the last 2 4-day weeks lasted longer than a normal 5-day week. Go figure... Well theres one week down and 3.5 more to go until I get outta this hell hole and am enjoying Vegas! I cant wait!!

C gets out of the hospital today, they decided to release her earlier than planned. I'm excited, but she wants to go out and theres not really a lot that we can do... Guess I will have to put on my thinkin cap... damn, I hate that thing!

Anyway, my hand is finally recovering from new years eve... Oh, wait I haven't wrote about that. Yeah, I'm a little slow today.... Don't mind me. So on new years eve me & my friend T were getting into our cab. The jackass who was getting out slammed the sliding door on my hand... I couldn't get the door open with my other hand so this is how it went...

Me: My hand is in the door!
T & Cab Driver: *dumb stare*
Me: The door is shut on my hand!!!!!
T & Cab Driver: ???????
Me: MY FUCKING HAND IS STUCK IN THE DOOR!!!!!!!
T : Oh My GOD!!!!
Me: Yeah I Know, can you open the door?!?!?! *duh bitch, Don't just sit there help me- look*
T: Stop the cab!
Cab Driver: What ?!?!
T: STOP THE CAB!!

After about like 2 minutes of me yelling we finally stop and the driver opens the door....
At this point my hand is throbbing! Luckily for me, no broken bones and no bruises... I have no idea how there was no swelling or bruises, but for the last week it has hurt like hell!

The stupidest shit always happens to me.... WTF?!?!

Well... have a great weekend!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

2006-01-05T09:01:00.000-05:00

isn't it funny how something as little as a scar can bring back sooo many memories?

Well in my case I have one scar that brings no memories with it....

As I was putting on my stockings this morning, a smileyface caught my eye. For those who don't know a smiley face is when someone lights a lighter, keeps it lit for about a minute or two then places the HOT metal part on your skin. After the burn heals it looks like a smiley face-hence the name... Why people do this, I will never understand - it hurts like hell.... Kids are mean, they think its a joke to hurt each other I guess...

I've had them before, nothing to serious. Usually the scar goes away within a month or two. The one I have on my leg, I have had for over 4 years. Each year it gets lighter and lighter, so hopefully one day it will finally go away. That's why I decided to write about it... This is one story I never want to forget!

How I got this scar you might ask? Well, to be honest I'm not completely sure.

One night a bunch of us were hanging out at a "friends" house. ( I say friend lightly because I soon came to realize he was no friend). Anyway, we were at his house when he asked us if we would like some volumes. Well, I loved volumes... So of course I said yea. I knew what they looked liked and these pills sure did look like volumes. Too bad they weren't.

till' this day I still have no idea what we took. I barely remember taking them. For the next 3 days my life is a blur... I remember little things, like seeing a friend the next morning and him saying "damn girl you look sooo fucked up" I think that memory will be forever etched into my head. Just seeing the look on his face, and realizing how serious he was. Actually, that happened more than once... Everyone I saw said that!

For the next 3 days I have no idea where I stayed, what I did, or who I was with... According to my mother one afternoon me and my friend M went to my house, we could barely walk in the door and when we finally did get in M started throwing up. My mother asked what was wrong, I guess we told her we had been drinking. She never asked again, that was that. I have no idea how we got there.. I lived kinda far from where we started off at.

Another thing I remember was waking up at my ex-boyfriends house and calling my friend L crying my eyes out for no reason...

I barely slept those 3 days, and I'm sure I didn't eat anything. The feeling that I had was indescribable.

I remember trying to go swimming at the piers, all I really remember was looking out at the lake and seeing everything with this white fog around it... Too bad it wasn't foggy out, huh? It seemed like I was in a dream. No drugs have ever given me that feeling...

Okay, back to the scar.... From what I have been told, a couple friends and I were sitting outside just hanging out. My friend D took his lighter and lit it. I guess he kept it lit for like 5 minutes. (that's what everyone said, but they might be exaggerating) After he had it lit he just stuck it onto my leg and I was sooo fucked up that I didn't feel it. I didn't even flintch...

If you've ever used a lighter before I'm sure you know how hot the metal part can get...

I ended up having a 3rd degree burn from it. I had to go to the doc and have them scrape it and everything.. It was disgusting!! and it hurt soooo bad!

What the fuck was I thinking? The thing is I wasn't thinking.... As a kid, I trusted everyone. I was naive and thought no one would do anything stupid like that. I mean, he was taking the pills too...

During these 3 days, a lot more happened also. 2 of my friends ended up fighting each other, my friend D was admitted to the hospital (he took the pills too), the cops came... etc! No adults even asked what was going on..

Now that I look back its like WTF?!?! how stupid could I have been? Something alot more serious than a smiley face could have happened to me during those 3 days... I was lucky I guess. People get hurt for a lot less... I have put myself in some fucked up situations, but atleast they have made me a lot smarter today! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

The end is near...

2006-01-04T10:12:00.000-05:00

It felt like this day would never come...

C is finally getting out of the hospital! I cant wait. The last 6 months without her have felt like an eternity...

She has improved sooo much. She can walk with a walker now, and is learning to stand and sit on her own. The doctors said that it would take around a year for her to be where she is now.... She is so determined to get back to normal! I am so proud of her.

Lately they have been letting her leave for a couple hours. We've realized things aren't going to be as easy as we'd like. She cant go up stairs, and her wheelchair doesn't fit into my car.... But who cares, I'm just so happy she can leave!

This weekend she gets to leave from Friday to Sunday. I don't know what we are going to do but I'm sure she is going to want to go out somewhere. She has been itching to go to a bar! Too bad they couldn't have let her leave last weekend, then she could have celebrated new years eve instead of being in the hospital alone.

She gets out for good on the 13th. The doctor said if things go well this weekend he might let her out sooner. I cant wait!!

Love to Hate it and Hate to Love it!!!!

2006-01-03T10:25:00.000-05:00

This month that is....

Not only is my friend C finally getting out of the hospital on the 13th....

I am also so excited about February that everyday this month is going to feel like an eternity! (yeah I know its still a month away, but I cant help but be excited!). I have sooo much going on next month, I'm not sure how I plan on juggling it all and work... I'm sure I'll figure out something.

My birthday is Feb 2nd and my anniversary is Feb 23rd. Just enough space between the two to basically celebrate the whole month! I know most people do not think birthdays are that big of a deal, I am not one of those people.... I love birthdays; yours, mine, everyone's! In my family birthdays were a big deal. Its your day to do whatever you want! People think (especially my bf) that this will go away with time, and as I get older I will start to dread them like everyone else. I cant say that will never happen, but I will say I hope that never happens. My birthday is the one day that I can actually look forward to, and for just one day a year my life can actually be just about ME!!! Which is a big deal, it seems like most of the time I am always helping, trying to make happy, or just condoling a few dear people in my life with whom everything is always about them (no, I'm not complaining... but damn can we talk about my life for once?) Maybe that's why I blog, to talk about all the not so important things that I just cant talk about with my friends.. Even if noone reads, atleast I'm getting it off my chest.
Okay, anyway... Like I was saying, it feels good to be able to dedicate one WHOLE day to me... Ohhh.... I just cant wait!

This birthday will be especially special because I will be in Vegas! Its a birthday/anniversary gift from my bf. I cant wait!! I've never been to Vegas, hopefully I can handle it! LOL... I'm sure I can hold my own.

After that, I will just be celebrating with various people. I guess that's why its good to have friends that don't know each other... It gives me a reason to celebrate more than once! Plus the fact that like 3 or 4 of my friends birthdays are also in February just adds to all the celebrating...

After all the b-day stuff, then we have Valentines day (not very important) but whatever... Then is my anniversary. I will plan all the festivities for this day... Hopefully I can come up with something sweet and romantic... There aren't very many things like that to do in Cleveland... I'll really have to work for this one, but hey he's worth it...

Let the count down begin:

30 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY.....

I forgot what it was like.......

2005-12-29T12:03:00.000-05:00

My friend J and I worked this concert for a band named Busted Rubbers last night.... Something I used to do a lot when I was dancing. Basically you just go on stage with the band to get the crowd pumped. I used to work bigger bands, with an audience of about 1000-2000 people. It was great! The excitement of being up there in front of all those people.... With the lights shining down on you, music pounding in your ears, having full access to the stage and band members to do what ever you want, realizing that 90% of the women out there would love to be you for just one minute! This concert wasn't half as big, but it was still a fun time.

About 5 minutes before its time to go on you start to get a little nervous. All you can think about is "what if I fall" "what if I get out there and cant think of anything to do" "how am I going to look?"... Then the second you step foot on that stage and your heart starts racing, all those thoughts go away. As you look out into the crowd of nameless faces, your mind goes blank and all you can hear is your blood pumping through your veins. The adrenaline rush is something you cant explain, its better than any drug I've ever done! 20 minutes seems like an eternity, and by the end your exhausted, sweaty and on this natural high that you hope never goes away!

Iwas wearing only a skirt and a tank top (not very much left to the imagination) I guess when I was a dancer things like that didn't bother me. Now I realize how much I have actually changed in the last 6 months. I was a lot more nervous than I used to be, and I surely didn't feel comfortable in those clothes. I guess it was worth it though, just to be on stage.

Today I am paying for it! My legs are sooo sore and I am tired. It was a long night, didn't get to sleep til almost 5am. I wish 5 o'clock would roll around a little faster so I can get the hell outta here! I cant believe its only Thursday, this week is going by so slow... atleast we have another 3 day weekend!

Its about damn time!

2005-12-28T12:39:00.000-05:00

Can it be true? Am I actually going to have a car that works?

Yay! Its about damn time... I went this morning to get the 30 day tag for my car. I am so excited. Ever since I got my purse back my life has been sooo much easier. No more taking the bus, no more problem with my bank because my ID was expired, no more problem getting a new ID because my birth certificate was taking forever to get here, and most of all- no more problem trying to guess when something happened. See, I have a small calendar that I write my whole life in. I mean everything and anything; when I've had sex, when I've paid my bills, anything dealing with my friend C, when something of any importance has happened it goes in my book, even when my BP goes out of town-I could go on forever.... Literally everything, and I am constantly using it as a reference tool. My bf probably hates it because whenever we are talking about something that happened I am always pulling this out to prove that I am right, and there is no way he can argue with me because he knows if it is written, then it is true! I love it... and I was beginning to go crazy with out it. Ahhh.... things are finally getting back to normal.

A friend of mine somehow found my blog the other day... we both have blogs on myspace, and over there we both have up alot of pics. She asked me why don't I have any over here... That got me thinking. I have no idea why I never put up a pic here. Its not as though I am afraid of you guys seeing me... Maybe its because I am afraid of someone I know actually seeing the pic and realizing I am me...but why should that matter right? So now I am contemplating on putting one up or not... hmmmm..... For some reason, I just feel more personal here, than over there... but on the other hand, I know I enjoy matching up face with the words... I don't know what to do... Maybe I will do like I did at blogster and post it for a day or two then take it back down. I dont know...

Is it time to celebrate yet?

2005-12-27T11:22:00.000-05:00

Ahhh..... The great feeling of having this horrible holiday in the past. Don't ya just love it?

It was, just as I had anticipated.... blah! I didn't really do much, just hung out with my bf most of the time. His ex decided to be a bitch, and not let him spend time with their daughter... so he was kinda depressed all weekend. I understand why, I mean, who wouldn't want to see their kid?

Saturday and Sunday we went to see some movies. I'm not really a movie person... I really have to be in that movie mood in order to actually go to the theatre. I hate having to sit there, in those shitty seats and actually watch the whole movie, but I went because I knew he wanted to get his mind off of everything going on.... What a great gf I am.... LOL

On Saturday we saw The Chronicles of Narnia... It was okay, not as good as I thought it would be. The only thing that bothered me was that the movie was 2 1/2 hours long... WTF?!?! Who wants to sit and watch a movie that is THAT fucking long? Then on Sunday we saw King Kong... Bad idea! I thought Narnia was long... Yeah right. King Kong was 3 1/2 hours long. I honestly thought I was going to go crazy!!! It would have been a great movie if I were at home and stopped it half way through and then finished it like 2 days later... My patience aren't equipped to last that long! Why do these producers and writers make these movies soooooo long? Who can stand being there for such a looong time?

Then on Sunday he had to go to temple since Hanukkah started that day... So as I was sitting at home, alone, feeling all depressed (who likes to be alone on Christmas) I decided to venture over to my sisters and suffer along with my nephews and nieces as the 30 odd people we've never met talk about old times... (yeah, it was pretty boring). As the people started to leave I realized that my sister and my brother in laws sister were pretty wasted. Arguments started with my sis and brother-in-law, then it happened.

His sister, whom I've never met started doggin me. WTF?!!? Who does this bitch think she is? One incident was this guy D was taking a picture of me and my nephew. My nephew hugged me and his head was covering my face. D told my nephew to move so he didn't cover my face, this bitch is going to say "Oh, like that's a bad thing" Excuse me? fucking whore... You don't even know me... your not cute! and your hair looks like a poodle....

Some other smart ass comments were made during the next hour or so, but I ignored them.

Then, when my sister j was leaving she told me she would drop off this shirt that I wanted to borrow for work, out of no where this whore butts in our conversation....

Whore: "What, the place you work at doesn't give you a discount on your clothes?"
Me: "What is that supposed to mean?"
Whore: " Oh, nothing...." *with a sarcastic grin*
Me: "Well it sounded like you were trying to say something" *giving her the fuck you bitch look* Whore: "Oh, I just assumed you worked at the mall or something, you don't really look like you would work any where else"
Me: "Are you fucking serious? bitc...."
My brother in law stopped me and walked me into the other room....

What the fuck!!! Who does this bitch think she is? I was so mad.... But my brother-in-law asked me to not say anything, so I didn't...

I just don't understand, where does this whore get the nerve to dog me like that. I didn't disrespect her at all... I didn't even talk to her, only to introduce myself...

I knew I shouldn't have went... Fucking whore ruined my day!

And I thought I didnt have spirit.....

2005-12-23T09:07:00.000-05:00

In my life, Ive come to realize nothing is that good (as yesterday). Nothing that great ever happens to me, and when it does.... Something far worse is in store!

Sometimes I really just dont understand people. I mean, that lady who found my purse is a wonderful person... Those are the people who get over looked and underappreciated! Then you have the fucking jack asses who just ruin everything, and for some reason those are the people who will forever remain in your memories.

Last night I encountered the biggest JACK ASS of all time!!!

I was having a good night.. At a club, hanging out, having a few drinks (no shots, I'm not losing my purse again!). Everything was going great... Then its time to go. We are driving down a two lane one way street, and there are two cars parked blocking the street. My friend T leans out of her window and tells the people "can you please move your car, we are trying to get home..." She didnt have an attitude, and was actually pretty polite considering the situation...

Do you know this fucking ass has the nerve to say "Bitch, you dont know me and you dont know what I am capable of doing" As he is talking he is walking towards her car. Can you fucking believe that this fucking bastard pulled out a gun and pointed it at us...

Now, let me say that I have encountered guns before. I have been robbed a couple times. Not justifying the reason for the robbers to use a gun, but they did have a reason. I mean, they were robbing us after all... But this jack ass had NO reason at all to point a gun at us!!! NONE!

So we both quickly roll up the windows and lock the doors... Then this ass says "Yeah bitches, that what I thought! You aint shit hoe" WTF?!?!? Then he gets back in the car, speeds around the corner and yells some more bullshit out of the window.

Luckily, for us we got the licence plate... Well, at least we thought that was a good thing.

We pulled over and called the cops, both of us stunned that this just really happened... We couldnt believe it. My friend is on the phone with the police station, and do you know these fuckers actually told us we should have gotten the make and model of the car too! WTF? I'm sorry if I was paying more attention to the pistol being waved in my face than I was to what fucking kind of car he was driving! 3 cop cars came and went before one actually came to take our report. And even then, the fucking pig told us that we should have gotten more detail on the car and the guy... Isnt the license plate enough? In all reality we were lucky to even get that... Neither of us were paying attention.... We were more worried about this fucking drunk (probably coked out) ass who is waving a gun! Not knowing if he is going to accidentially pull the trigger.

When I got home, I lost it. I was talking to my bf on the phone and it all really sunk in. What the hell would have happened if I would have been with my bf. Like I said before he is a big guy... In no way would he ever step down to some loser like this, especially if he was drunk... What if before we knew he had a gun, my bf started talking shit to him would this guy just have just shot him....

4 days ago my friend D was walking back from the corner store. As he was walking 2 guys pulled up in front of him, jumped out of the car and robbed him. Mind you, this is the neighborhood I grew up in... Yeah, its not that great of a neighborhood but we have always have respect there because it is "our" neighborhood. We used to stand on that very same corner until 4, 5 even 6 in the morning... I used to walk those streets alone, at night, and was never afraid! Not once, did anything like that happen.. the only problems we ever had were with each other. Now a grown man cant even walk 4 houses down to the store without watching his back. WTF!!

I honestly cant take it any longer. I dont want to live here! I hate not being able to feel safe in the few places that I have always felt safe in. What the hell is happening to this city? I just dont understand why? The holidays make people crazy... but is it really necessary to do stupid shit like that?

Hallelujah!!!

2005-12-22T15:48:00.000-05:00

For once in my life can my luck actually be changing?

I was sitting at work today, thinking to myself... Ahh another crappy day, when.....

~do doo dooo do da doo do~ (I have the theme song of Mario Brothers as my ringer...) my phone rang. It was my insurance company. I really wasn't in the mood to talk so I told them that Pamela wasn't home and I would be happy to take a message....

You will never believe what they said. Someone found my purse!!!! My heart dropped.

OMG!!! I don't think I have ever been soooo relieved in my life! I couldn't wait to talk to this woman who has kept my purse and actually tried to find me after a whole month! I stopped working, hit the DND button on the work phones and dialed that number sooo fast!

When I called she sounded as relieved as I was. She said that her brother found it next to a garbage can outside of the club I was at. She said she has been trying to get ahold of me since they found it, she even went to my old house (the address on my ID). Thank god everything is still there! Except for the cash of course, but that's okay.... I'm so happy that I don't have to get a new ID, or social security card and I can finally get plates for my car. I'm so excited I cannot quit smiling!!!

What a wonderful person she is... How many people would actually spend that much time trying to find me? I'm so greatful that she did!!! If there is a such thing as karma, goods things are definitely coming her way... Not to mention the "reward" I will give her!

On top of that great news, I also received another bonus from my bosses... I guess my telepathy worked...

Why cant everyday be this wonderful?

I know... dont be greedy! but could I have asked for a better way to end the year? Maybe, just maybe this is a sign that 2006 will be atleast a decent year!

Okay, it wasn't THAT bad...

2005-12-21T09:10:00.000-05:00

Lunch actually was pretty nice. We went to this sushi restaurant in Cleveland Heights. I guess they are known for having the best variety of rare fish. Since I'm adventurous we got some different things to try... Mostly just different raw fish, my favorite was the yellowtail, it was great! My boss had some sea urchin sperm ( I passed on that one, for some reason it just wasn't that appealing!), It looked like tongue and was orange and mushy... I don't know what he was thinking! We also tried ice fish, I have no idea what they were. They were white with these little black beady eyes, looked as though they were made of gelatin and about the size of fishing bate... They weren't very good but atleast I can say I tried it!

3 hours and 2 bottles of sake later... (the good sake, not that cheap warm stuff you get at any restaurant) I had a pretty good buzz, but still no bonus! WTF?!?! Oh well, I guess the lunch was my christmas bonus from them...

I came into work today and on my desk was a christmas card from one of the guys who rents out an office. Inside was a check, so atleast I got some kind of bonus. I still think its messed up that I had to get it from him and not my bosses. But hey, he is a great guy!

Atleast that parts done.

2005-12-19T14:22:00.000-05:00

Well I've tried all weekend to quilt my bf out of going to the Fiesta Bowl since it meant him not being here for New Years, but I failed... he is excited about the game, so I guess I understand. Now I just have to plan a great night out without him (I'm sure I can think of something).

I did some christmas shopping, which was horrible! I couldnt find a mens big and tall store close by (my bf is a big boy...) The one that I did find didnt have much to choose from. I was in this store for atleast 30 minutes, I kept picking out a shirt, then putting it back, over and over... I wanted something that I like (most of his clothes I hate) unfortunately there werent any. Since I was with my sister and the new baby, I couldnt keep driving around so I ended up just getting him a plain white dress shirt. I know... BLAH!!! but I couldnt find anything that caught my eye, so I just got something practical. One can never have too many white shirts. I never realized how expensive one plain white dress shirt could be.. its crazy... I could have bought myself a whole outfit for that price... I also got him 2 pair of cufflinks, the 5$ pair he has are soooo ugly I couldnt stand looking at them another day. I guess thats why they were so cheap cause they were hideous! the ones I bought sure werent 5$... Thats all he is getting. It doesnt seem like much, but thats all I can afford, so he better be greatful.

I sent my mothers gift through the mail, I got her a pair of silk pajamas... I figured she would like them... we'll see. She'll probably return them and buy something else, but I guess its okay.

Thats it. I'm not buying for anyone else... I was planning on buying something for my bosses, but since they decided to not give me a christmas bonus I dont have the extra money. I'm kinda disappointed that I didnt get a bonus, atleast not yet. Usually I've always received my bonus with my check, well I got paid on friday and I dont get paid again until next week.. so Im assuming that I'm not getting one. Maybe (hopefully) they will give it to me tomorrow at our christmas "party". I dont really see how its gonna be a party if there will only be 3 of us there but whatever. Actually I really dont want to go. For some reason I feel awkward with them when we're not at the office. So far I have been able to use an excuse to get out of every "happy hour" that they have had, but this, I just cant get out of. Maybe after a few drinks I'll feel better.

fuck christmas!

2005-12-16T15:43:00.000-05:00

I've never spoken much about politics on my blog.. Mainly because some people take offense and honestly I'm just not that passionate enough to give a damn how they feel. If you have read my posts you know I do not enjoy christmas, but really have no idea why. There is no point for me to explain this reason, although in my life I'm asked and pushed everyday to dig into my past and find this mysterious cause because there just HAS to be a reason for me not enjoying the best holiday of the year... or atleast everyone thinks that.

What you dont know about me is that I am not religious... I know some of you that are christians, orthodox, athiest, whatever... I am none of those things. I am religiously illiterate! I was "raised" baptist and as a kid I was forced to go to church 3 times a week. To this day, not once have I read the bible, I'm not even sure if I believe in god, and I cant step foot into a church without breaking down in tears (personal reason for this).

But one thing I do know is I hate when people try to shove religion down others throats. I also hate when people think their belief is the "right" religion, and every other religion in wrong... I myself can careless if we have a christmas tree or a holiday tree, or if we say merry christmas or happy holidays... But some people do. Some people dont celebrate christmas, so why do "christians" want to force them to? That would be like me telling a christian to eat meat on friday, just because in my religion (which of course is the RIGHT religion) we dont eat fish on friday. (correct me if I'm wrong here, I do believe it is christians who eat fish on friday, but like I said I am religiously illiterate)...

In this country we are as politically correct as it gets and we should be that way. We pride ourselves on being the melting pot of the world, yet we dont accept other cultures. We expect these people to convert to our way of living... Hypocritical? just a little...

You go into any restaurant and see christmas trees, lights, music... But do we hear people who are jewish or even jehovah witness complaining? most of the time no, they understand that the majority of the US celebrates christmas... so they keep quiet. Does that mean that they are not offended? doubt it. Its just there is nothing they can do because restaurants are privately owned, if they dont like it they can either put up with it or leave.

But see, city streets and public property are not privately owned and cannot be avoided. People just cant "leave" because they dont like the christmas tree that sits in the middle of Public Square (downtown Cleveland). They shouldnt have to change their route to work because they dont like the huge banner that says Merry Christmas! That banner should never be there!

There are many ways to decorate without shoving a particular holiday down everyones throats!

Okay, I'm rambiling on and I'm sure your like why the hell is this girl talking about all this shit.
Well I was reading a friends blog today and found this site. I love it, and would like to share it but I wanted to voice my opinion on some of the topics before hand.

I must warn you , that alot of you arent going to like it... but I dont care.

http://fuckchristmas.org/fchristmas_blog.gif" target="_blank">read at your own risk

bored? yeah, just alittle....

2005-12-15T14:12:00.000-05:00

hmmmm..... not much to blog about the last couple days. Today I'm drawing a blank again.. Guess I need to call and re-order some of that flavor brain babs was talking about, I ran out of mine a couple days ago and have been too lazy to go pick up some more. A sex hotline is just what I need to get the brain juice flowing again!

The weather is crappy here, and I just found out that my bf is going to Phoenix for the Notre Dame/Ohio State game so he wont be home on new years eve. Thats bullshit! Oh well guess I'll just make it a girls night out... which isnt that bad, I was just hoping to spend it with him.

So my friend C is doing a lot better. Almost, too good. That sounds bad, but I mean it in a good way... See now that she can move again she is getting very restless. It was one thing when she couldnt move, she didnt mind being in the hospital. But now, 5 months later she is going crazy! I feel so bad for her. I couldnt even imagine how bored she must be... She has nothing to do and noone to visit her. 2 months before she went in, she kinda "dropped" all of her old friends (including me) for some new ones... Yeah, we still talked once in a while, but not very often. Well, I understood and didnt mind and of course have been there for her, but some other friends have not. They feel that if she wasnt there for them when she was fine, then why should they be there for her while shes sick. And of course all of her new friends have pretty much forgotten about her. But what can you do, things like this are brought on only by yourself... You should never forget old friends, they are usually the only ones that will stick by your side through tough times...

Well thats all I got... My mind went blank again!

Its okay, I thought it was funny too!

2005-12-13T14:45:00.000-05:00

Do you get embarrassed?

I usually don't... I can make a total ass of myself and just laugh it off... When I was younger I actually thought it was cool to embarrass myself because it made other people laugh. I don't get nervous talking in front of a crowd, and most of the time even volunteer first just to get it over with. I am very comfortable this way... Put on the spot! I just suck it up, and do it. Things like this you cant dwell on, you just have to start. Once you spit out the first word, the rest just flows out.. Add a couple of jokes (mostly aimed to rag on yourself....) then before you know it, its over and you realize you could keep going forever.

I'm coming to see that a lot of people don't see it that way. Its like a nightmare for them to speak in front of a crowd. Luckily for them they rarely have to... As for me, my problem is on a daily basis!

Usually when I drink, I fall... Usually when I'm sober, I fall... A lot! thats just who I am. I am a very clumsy person. I've come to accept that this will never change. I run into walls, stumble up and down stairs, trip over my own feet; you name it I do it. And it always seems to happen at the worse times.

Once about 2 years ago I was walking through the mall.... Of course there were some people that I knew, and alot that I didn't... I was just minding my own business... la la la la la.... when all of a sudden BOOM!! I fell... I have no idea what happened, I just fell. All of my friends and all the people I didn't know just started laughing. That was funny! I do admit, that I too cannot help but laugh when a young person falls. Its hilarious! But to be the person falling, its not always so funny.

Or once, in school during class change I fell up the stairs.... dropping all my things back down them. (I'm sure everyone has done that!)

I'm sure everyone has slipped on ice, and tried to catch themselves but ended up just looking more like an idiot because the way they were frailing their arms around.

There have been a couple of times when I fell off of a barstool, or not paying attention to the one single stair and flew down it practically throwing my beer across the room. (sometimes hitting someone with it... and unfortunately never a cute guy!)

I've also made my "grand" entrance to several places by not realizing there was a single stair, and falling through the door instead of walking through it. People inside tend to look at you like an idiot, but what can you do except laugh...

WhenI was a dancer, this must have been the worse quality ever!! I constantly fell on stage, which atleast got everyone's attention. I even fell a couple of times while giving a private dance, once onto the customer...

hmm... I had a point to all of this what the hell was it....

Oh yeah, like I said I don't get embarrassed... None of that stuff made me blush or whatever... I just laughed it all off. But then again, none of that compares to what happened to me on Saturday...
Me and my bf go to this restaurant. It was very classy, and small; the tables were close together, and it was packed. Well me, being the not so very attentive person that I am, wasn't aware of the fact that the floor was changing from carpet to very slick wood floors (and of course I had heels on)... So as I step, my foot slides out from underneath me. Shocked, I grabbed onto the closest chair that I could... But we are talking about me... of course it wasnt that simple! I didn't grab the chair, I grabbed the shoulder of the guy sitting in the chair. He turns around with this stunned look on his face and tries to catch me before I fall.. So I have some stranger and my bf both trying to make sure I didn't actually hit the floor and a room full of people staring at me... Which mind you, I still had to walk past to get to my table. I know they were laughing under their breath, because I know I would have been! As I "nonchalantly" walk by, I could feel their eyes staring at me like I was the last doughnut at a national police convention.. (hahaha... You know you like that!) all of them wanting to laugh but holding off to see if someone else would first... I mean come'on you cant be rude!!! Each watching my every step, silently hoping that their non existant telepathic powers would work just this once, and make me slip again... That would have just made their day... Bastards!!!

I can honestly say, that I was embarrassed!

your a mean one..... Mr. Grinch

2005-12-12T15:00:00.000-05:00

After talking to my sister yesterday, I was kinda disappointed... Since she is having soooo many people over for christmas, instead of having a typical christmas dinner she is only having a deli tray. Damn!!! the food was the only thing I had going for me this year... WTF?!?! I just wish this whole holiday bullshit would end already! All it is doing is causing me stress! I have decided to not buy gifts for my nephews and nieces, there are just too many of them and I cant afford it this year. All I'm buying for is my mother, my bf, and my bosses. Thats where my next dilema lays... What the hell should I get my 2 bosses. Obviously something cheap. I will most likely make some sort of "treat basket" for them, but cookies are so blah.. Anyone have any other tasty treats that are easy and cheap to make? I've been going over recipies all day and havent been able to find anything appealing.

Oh, and remember how I couldnt "find" my mother... well get this, she called my three sisters to give them her phone number and address but didnt call me. Umm..... none of my sisters even knew she was unreachable until I told them! So why is it, that she can call the ones who werent even worried about her but she cannot call me. Ughhhh!!!

I should have stayed on home base!

2005-12-08T15:05:00.000-05:00

Lucky me.... I was tagged! It took me a while to get this done, since I don't blog on weekends but I'm finished, as if anyone really cares about this shit...

1. What did you do in 2005 that you hadn't done before?
Flown on a plane. I was always afraid until this year, thanks to my bf. He really helps me out a lot

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my sister to my niece Jada. Whom by the way is doing great!

3. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandfather.

4. A -Did you travel?
Yes.

4. B - Where did you go?
Florida, Canada, and Detroit

4. C - Best holiday memory?
I guess this Halloween was pretty fun, since I hate all other holidays thats pretty much my only option!

5. Best thing you bought?
all the stuff for my apartment. It feels so good to live alone again. No more roommates!

6. Where did most of your money go?
cars and cell phones- I bought 2 cars, yet I'm still taking the bus; and I have had to buy 3 damn cell phones!!! I really need to quit losing them!

7. What do you wish you had done more of?
Spent more time with my mother before she moved to Texas.

8. What do you wish you had done less of?
Going out and spending to much time at bars, and losing stuff.

9. What kept you sane?
My bf, friends and blogging.

10. What drove you mad?
My old roommate Maria, and my friends C's family.

11. What made you celebrate?
Finally getting a place of my own again, and finally having everything about my DUI taken care of.

12. What made you sad?
C going into the hospital, my grandfather dying, my mother moving, the war, the hurricanes, wow theres so much.

13. How was your birthday this year?
It was great! I celebrated it 3 times.

14. What political issue stirred you the most this year?
The war.

15. Where you in love in 2005?
Yes!!!

16. What would you like to have in 2006 that you didn't have this year?
A car, and C back home!

17. What date from 2005 will be etched in your memory and why?
St. Pattys day, the day my bf had a heat attack (he is only 30, it was very stressful)

18. What song will remind you of 2005?
Breathe by Anna Nalick, which by the way is still stuck in my head!

19. Compared to this time last year are you happier?
About the same. Just less stressed.

20. Biggest achievement this year?
Quitting dancing and getting a real job

21. Biggest disappointment this year?
Still being in Cleveland, I really was hoping to be outta here by now!

22. What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied?
If I wouldnt have been such an ASS and just visited my grandfather in the hospital. Not saying goodbye to him because I was being stupid is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

23. Best new person you met this year?
Well on top of all of my new blogging friends, I would say its more of a great friendship that was rekindled this year. My friend David is a great person! I love him and am very happy we let the past stay behind us.

24. A valuable life lesson you learnt this year?
Dont take the time you have for granted, no one will be around forever. Be sure to cherish every second you have with the important people because you never know when it can be the last.

Since I'm not sure who has already been tagged, and I dont want to "double tag" someone, I am not officially tagging anyone. But if someone would like to do this, then I tag you!

PUGGLES!!!!!!

2005-12-08T13:33:00.000-05:00

Puggles!!!!!

I am in love with these dogs. For those who havent heard of them, they are a hybrid dog, a mix of a female beagle and a male pug and they are adorable!!! I want one so badly, but I already have 2 cats in my apartment and I think that is enough. They usually grow to be about 13 inches and 15 lbs. They are very friendly... They have some at a local pet store, when I seen them I was so tempted to buy one, my friend E had to drag me out of the store!

I love my cats to death but they drive me crazy!!! My cat Miko is very dominate, he has to get what he wants when he wants it or else he meows, and I mean constantly! He will follow me around and just ... meow, meow, meow, meow non-stop. I cant stress the word constantly enough... Seriously, there might be a 2 second pause between each meow, if that! Then my other cat Lilo, she has a serious problem. Before she was mine, she belonged to my neighbor (about 2 years ago). He was an ass... One day he decided that he didnt want her anymore so he kicked her across the street. When I say kicked, I mean kicked. I was so angry at him and felt so sorry for her, so I took her in. Because of that incident, she hates people. Not me, she loves me to death and is very affectionate... But she will not come out when other people are over my house. Everyone thinks I only have one cat, even my bf didnt even know that I had 2 cats until I told him. I cant take her to the vet because she will not let me put her in the carrier. Oh, and dont make any loud noises because she will have a heart attack! When she is laying on my lap and something startles her, I get sliced and diced with her claws.... Once I was trying to put her in the carrier and it took me over 2.5 hours andI even had her locked in the bedroom so she couldnt run! I had scratches all over me that day...

With what I put up with to have alittle affection... I could have just gotten a puggle and skipped all the pain!

umm.... WTF

2005-12-08T10:10:00.000-05:00

Why do I shop online? because when Im at work with nothing to do, shopping makes the time go by that much faster.

Tomorrow is my bf's birthday. I ordered his gift online. When I realized that it might not be herer ontime, I tried several ways to contact the company. I called (they only have voicemail noone actually answering the phone) but noone returned my call and I emailed them. I said that I would like to change my shipping method and would pay for the extra postage with my cc. This email was sent on monday. On monday, I received an email confirming my order had been sent.

So, I figured obviously noone would reply to my email since the order had already been sent. Then today I received an email replying to the one I sent, saying that the product was backordered and that since they cant get it here by Friday they would refund my money.

WTF?!? I'm just a little confused... How are they going to send me an email 3 days ago, saying that my order had been sent, then send me another one today saying that its backordered? I just dont understand... maybe I'm missing something here. I mean, is it just me or does this sound a little fishy?

I wrote another email, stating the obvious. WTF!!! Even if the order is backordered, why are they just telling me this now? they should have told me this on Monday. Then I could have atleast had time to go get a gift...

I am not happy! This is fucking BS!!!! I have a feeling noone is going to contact me today, and I am going to be VERY upset!!!

just breathe....

2005-12-07T15:43:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you've all had a song stuck in your head... Usually it last for an hour maybe even a day. You try to concentrate, but all you can hear are the words to this song. Its like when your trying to remember something you know that you know, like an actor or movie. Its right on the tip of your tongue but you just cant seem to spit it out. It just drives you crazy!

Well, I've had this song stuck in my head for a week now. Atleast its a great song, actually my favorite song. "Breathe (2 A.M.)" Written and sung by Anna Nalick, a very young and talented woman. If you have never heard this song, I highly recommend that you listen to it. Though, you might want to read the words as you do, because its kinda difficult to understand what she is saying if you haven't heard it before.

The beginning of this year (before I started my blog) I was going through a really rough time in my life. I was dealing with the death of my grandfather and some other personal tragedies. I surely wasn't at my best. Although this song didn't relate to these problems directly, it really helped me out a lot. I would sit and listen to this song over and over.... For me music is a way of dealing with emotions that I cant express. Its like therapy to just turn the music up as loud as possible and just sing along...

The thing is now that I am not down, thinking about this song makes me remember all the things that I had to go through... All the things that I tried to forget. Then I realized we're not supposed to forget those things, those are the experiences that make us stronger. So why try to forget them?

What fun?!?!

2005-12-06T09:27:00.000-05:00

This weekend was pretty uneventful for me. I finally broke down and bought a new phone. I couldnt wait any longer. Since I havent had a phone I have been unable to talk to my mother. I called her yesterday and can you believe that she moved with out telling anyone? She was staying with her bf's family until they found a place of her own. When I called that house, they told me they moved and dont have a phone yet. WTF? she could have atleast wrote a letter. I mean, she is my mother... Does she not think that we worry about her? Shes down in Texas with no family (no real family atleast, just her loser bf's family). I hate when she does stupid shit like this!

On Saturday after getting kinda drunk at a party, my friend E, her boyfriend and I stupidly decided to go sleading... Bad Idea! It was about 3 am, and freezing! The snow wasnt compacted enough so we really werent going anywhere. More like bellyflopping onto a frozen ground covered with a foot of snow, and sliding about 2 feet. I am covered in bruises...

Suprisingly there were other people there too... I'm assuming there was alcohol involved in their decision also!

Its so funny to hear everyone down south talk about getting snow. How they have to do this and do that because they are getting like 3 inches of snow... Ha ha ha! If only they knew! We get three inches in three minutes! All I can say is it must be nice... Today when I left for work it was 7 degrees outside, a new all time low (back in '77 I think it was 8 degrees) but remember thats not factoring in the wind chill which makes it feel like its only -10 degrees... Thats cold, and this is just the beginning. When your standing out in this crap (yeah, I'm still taking the damn bus) it actually hurts! When that cold wind hits your face, it feels like... shit, I cant even explain what it feels like, but it HURTS!!!! Then when its snowing, it hurts even worse. The snow feels like little needles poking your skin. Brrrrr.......

Damn, why didnt I move to Texas with my mom? Now I'm stuck here for another crappy winter... This will be the last one! I gotta get the hell outta here!

so hott!

2005-12-02T16:18:00.000-05:00

Just a little humor to get those who need it through this snowy weekend! I know I need it. Its been snowing all day here. I'm not ready for this weather yet!

Hope everyone has a great weekend, and I will see you all on Monday!

Bad boys bad boys... whatcha gonna do? Make sure you dont have any plans!

2005-12-02T09:27:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, or does it seem that anything dealing with cops takes forever? They take their merry time and are inconsiderate to others schedules.....

Yeah, they protect us, blah blah, blah..... But we have things to do and cant always wait for them. Is it really that necessary to take 30 minutes to give me a sheet of paper?

I tried to go make a police report today for my lost purse... ( I know its been a week but remember I am a procrastinator!)

My bf was supposed to pick me up at 7:30, but due to the shitty weather didnt get there until 8:05. And of course he had a plane to catch at 10. We made it to the station about 8:20... signed in and sat and waited.... and waited..... and waited.....

There was noone else there, its not like they were busy. All I needed to do was fill out a stupid paper, but nooooo.......

One guy came out and said someone would be with us in a few minutes. Yeah right, they never came. We watched them through the window, they were just sitting there talking and laughing. WTF? we had to leave, so I never got to file the report.

Do they not realize that the people they are there to help might actually not have 2 hours to wait for them to "feel" like helping us? Everytime I've ever had to go to a police station, this was the story.

When my ex first went to prison and I would take money and things for him, I would usually wait 15-20 minutes before anyone would even ask me why I was there. Then once I told them, it would take them another half hour to get the book, look up his name and take down my info. Then it would take like 10-15 more minutes for them to make sure I wasnt smuggling anything in the stuff I brought. It took forever! An hour of my time, wasted! It could have been done in half the time if they would have actually did what they were supposed to and not fooled around with each other.

Damn cops!

2005-12-01T16:06:00.000-05:00

Wipe that soot off your face!

2005-12-01T12:58:00.000-05:00

Dont you just hate it when something catches you off guard...

Yesterday we had some maintenance work done on our copy machine. Little did I know that the repair guy put what looked like powdered toner in the garbage can next to the copier.

I come in this morning and throw away all the junk faxes we had. The can is small, so the papers needed to be pushed down some. Me being the lazy genius that I am decided that I would just step on them. BAD IDEA!!! As soon as my foot went down a huge cloud of black soot came shooting out of that damn garbage! My face, clothes and shoes were covered in this black powder. ( and of course I am wearing tan pants!)

If any one has ever had to change the toner in a copier before, then you know that if you get the ink on you it isn't coming off any time soon. Luckily I got most of it off my face, but the bottom of my pants look like I haven't washed them in months.

I have to go this weekend and buy C a birthday gift. Last Sunday was her birthday... It sucks that she had to spend it in the hospital. She had a little party with cake and music. Unfortunately because I had no phone, she was unable to tell me and I missed it. That's okay though, I will see her soon. She is doing so much better. When I went to see her last, she surprised the hell out of me. When I walked in the room she was putting together a puzzle... Using her hands! I was so shocked that she was able to move that I almost started crying! She can move her arms and fingers, she doesn't have much strength but a little is better than none. She can even pick her legs up about an inch off the floor! It feels so good to finally see her progress with this recovery... Its has been over 3.5 months since she was admitted. I couldn't imagine being in the hospital that long... I just cant wait for her to finally come home.

SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!

2005-12-01T09:03:00.000-05:00

Red Fridays

I received this in an email today, and I think its a great idea! The only thing is now I have to go buy some red clothes because I have none!

Soon you will start to see many people wearing Red every Friday. The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the "silent majority". We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for this country and the troops that defend it in record breaking numbers.We are not organized, boisterous or over-bearing. We get no mediacoverage on TV, to reflect our message or our opinions.
Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that.. Every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar, will wear something red.
By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, co-workers, friends, and family. It will not belong before the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once "silent" majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on.
The first thing a soldier says when asked "What can we do to make things better for you?" is...We need your support and your prayers. Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example; and wear something red every Friday.

IF YOU AGREE -- THEN SEND THIS ON -- IF YOU COULD CARE LESS -- THEN HITTHE DELETE BUTTON --- IT IS YOUR CHOICE. WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THEFREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE.

HA HA HA

2005-11-30T16:46:00.000-05:00

BA HUMBUG!!!!

2005-11-29T13:24:00.000-05:00

I am not having a good day today. People get on my nerves. Its like every little thing is just annoying the crap out of me. Its just one of those days.

To add to my annoyance some idiot sent me a christmas card today..... I am not a christmas person. I hate christmas!
I get so depressed around this time of year. The snow, the gloomy days, and "christmas spirit" all makes me sick to my stomach.

Yeah, when I was little of course I got excited. I mean how couldnt I? No school, baking cookies, playing in the snow and presents. Its a kids dream come true. Now that I am older, I see no point in it at all. Its not like I get time off of work (especially this year since christmas falls on a sunday... damn christmas!) I dont eat cookies, I sure as hell aint playing in the snow, and now I have 6 kids to buy for (and no matter what they get, its always not enough!), 2 sisters, 2 brothers-in-law, mom and step dad. I kinda understand why my sister R doesnt want to celebrate the holidays. Maybe I should become jehovas witness too!

And to top it off, this christmas is going to be the WORSE of all! Not only is this going to be the first year without my grandfather and my mother... I just found out that my brother-in-law is inviting his WHOLE family over for christmas. So instead of seeing my family, I get to spend the day with about 20 people that I have never met. Its one thing to be around 3 or 4 people I dont know but I dont enjoy being around that many new people.

I do enjoy new years though.... Thats all I can look forward to this year.

One more month, I think I can make it!

FYI:

2005-11-28T13:33:00.000-05:00

Just so everyone knows what is going on, I have changed my mind and I am going to move all of my other posts from blogster over here. At first I wasnt going to, but now that people are being kicked off and their blogs deleted I guess its time that I should... I dont want to take the chance of losing all that I have put into that blog over the last 6 or 7 months.

So when you notice that I have been posting long posts about 10 times a day, just bare with me....

if anyone has short cuts for doing this, I would love to hear them.

You'd think I would have learned....

2005-11-28T10:33:00.000-05:00

Hope everyone had a great holiday....

Mine wasnt has bad as I had anticipated.

But the weekend after sucked. I lost my purse! I never realized how much I depend on it until now. My whole life was in that bag, and now I am lost without it. Things are finally getting back on track, I got my spare house key and my boss gave me a new work key. I still have no phone which is driving me insane... I mean, I live alone. My cell phone was my only connection to the outside world. So I've barely spoken 2 words all weekend. I actually walked around my neighborhood this weekend looking for a payphone.... there are none! Damn city!

Thats not the worse part though... See, I was in the process of changing over the title to a car that I bought. So unfortunately the title (still in the sellers name), my birth certificate and social security card were also in there. I really have no way of getting in touch with the seller of the car, so for now I'm screwed...

Ahhh... another day in my life. It never ends, every time things get close to being normal something like this happens and I'm back at point A . I am constantly doing stupid things like this. The drama I am having right now is completely unnecessary!

On another note, the baby is doing great! She is finally waking up for me now, and her big brown eyes are adorable!

Brrrrrr......

2005-11-23T09:14:00.000-05:00

First snow fall of the year.....

I'm really not ready for this yet, I hate snow....

Its a girl!!!

2005-11-22T11:05:00.000-05:00

The baby came early saturday morning....

She is so cute! She was only 6lbs 2 oz and 17inches.. Very tiny. I fell in love with her the first time I seen her. She has so much hair already, it has to be atleast 2 inches long and jet black...
Hopefully it stays that way, I hate being the only one in the family with black hair (its not natural, but still) I'm so excited to see what she is going to look like as she gets older. This is the first mixed baby we have in the family so I want to see the outcome. What kind of hair texture, skin color, etc.

I'm not really a newborn person, I like babies better when they are a couple of months old. I get nervous when they are so small.

Oh, I just cant wait for her to grow up!

I dont want to be away from her... Its weird because I have 6 other nephews and neices and I've never felt this way before. I know its because of how close I am to this sister and her boyfirend (soon to be husband hopefully) But in a way I feel kinda guilty that I wasnt this excited before.

Family ties...

2005-11-22T10:58:00.000-05:00

Wasnt that a show back in the 80s early 90s?...

About a family that actually got along! Yeah, if only real life were like that.

Theres also this new show on called Related, its about 4 sisters who get a long great and everyone is just so happy...

Talk about fiction!

So I have decided to not celebrate thanksgiving this year... Why you might ask? because my family gets on my nerves.

I'm sure most families have that one person who is such a bitch, that they ruin the holidays for everyone else...

For me it is my sister L. She is a BITCH!! She believes that everything and everyone should be exactly the ways she wants and if they are different then they are wrong... And she is not afraid to voice her opinion! Because of this, there is alot of controversy in my family right now about the new baby. See the father is a Jehovahs Witness, and my sister R (who has no religion) wants to respect that, and has decided to not celebrate holidays.

My sister L doesnt agree, and lately all she does is talk shit about her for that.

I hate having to defend R, people should be able to live their lives the way they want.

I'm tired of arguing with L.

So I will spend thanksgiving alone.... Which actually sucks because its the only holiday I like.

I hate christmas, I am the grinch... And this year will be even worse since my grandfather passed away this year, and with my mother moving to texas.

This year is gonna be pretty hard. My sisters J & L are going out of town to visit their in-laws, and my sister R and baby are going out of town to visit her boyfriends family...

I cant get off work long enough to go visit my mother, so I will be all alone. You never realize how much family means until they are not there.

I HATE HOLIDAYS!!!!

BAHUMBUG!!!!

Our new addition

2005-11-21T10:57:00.000-05:00

Thanks for all your comments about the baby, both mother and baby are doing great!

What an amazing weekend!

My neice was born on the 19th at 4:30 am. Her name is Jada Rei(Ray) and she was 6 lbs. 2oz. and 17 inches. She is so adorable!

In a way I feel kinda bad though. See now I have a total of 7 nephews and neices. My two older sisters have 3 children each, and for my sister R this is her first. I've never been as excited about any of my other nephews or neices as I am about this one.

I know it has to do in part with the fact that I am very close with my sister and brother-in-law, but I feel quilty.

I feel quilty because with the others I wouldnt hold them until they were atleast 5 or 6 months. My sisters used to get upset because I didnt want to hold them. I have this fear of newborn babies, they are so fragile I get nervous. But with Jada I just couldnt help it. I held her and didnt want to let her go, and I know that my other sisters were basically like "WTF?!?"

Oh well... I'm to excited to care right now!

Baby and mother get to come home today... I cant wait!!!

I'm sooo excited!

2005-11-18T10:57:00.000-05:00

My sister is in labor....

Yay! I've been waiting for this baby to come for the last 9 months. I cant wait. We still have some time, but she will be here soon... I dont think I have ever been so anxious in my life!

Lets get ready to RUMBLE!!!

2005-11-18T10:56:00.000-05:00

Last night I was going through some boxes of old junk when I came across my trophy for wrestling. Which made me think of the good ol' days... hahaha

Its not what you think, I didnt wrestle in school or anything. It was more of drunk wrestling. When I was a dancer, one of the local radio station had the girls from my club wrestle each other as the opening "act" for some wrestling competition they were doing.

To answer your question, Yes we were dressed!!! in shorts and a t-shirt...

The only bad part about this was what we were wrestling in. Chocolate pudding, but it wasnt real chocolate pudding... it looked like the real thing, but it tasted disgusting!

I wrestled my friend J. We both agreed to not take anything seriously (being that most women tend to take it to the heart when they accidentally get hurt)

Once in the pool, it was very cold and slippery. Neither of us really had a chance to "attack" the other before we both fell face first into the chocolate. It was horrible. We couldnt see, hear or breath. The chocolate just over powered us...

After about 5 minutes the match was over and we were covered from head to toe (and everywhere in between) with chocolate. I think it took us about an hour in the shower to finally get it all off.

Yeah, that was my FUN experience with wrestling, but not the one I got the trophy for.

About a year later, my friend V was working at a bar. As a promotion thing she put together a bubblebath wrestling tournament. Of course since I went there all the time, and I was her friend, I got suckered into doing it.

It was a 5 week thing. The first week unfortunaltely no girls would wrestle, and there were all these people waiting to see a match. So me, being the fun and crazy person that I am, wrestled a guy. It wouldnt have been so bad, except bubblebath is WAY slippier than pudding. The crowd voted, and of course I won... I mean, I did wrestle a guy.

For the next couple of weeks I wrestled girls that I talked into doing it. It seemed that none of the regular customers wanted to do it with me. Everyone wanted to wrestle someone they knew. Which actually made me happy, cause I really didnt want to wrestle some chick that I didnt know (thats when things get too serious).

Finally the last week came. I decided to have J (the girl I wrestled in pudding) to do it with me this week. We were the only match this day. Since I was the only one willing to do it every week (not really willing, but forced my V) I was the main event!

We invited all of our friends, there was a full house! As a joke, my friend V thought it would be funny to put in some extra bubblebath, but she ended up puttin way too much. It was impossible for J and I to even walk with out slipping and falling down let alone try to wrestle. It was hard when you hit the ground, but when we fell on each other it was even worse. Elbows, knees, heads.. Yeah, they hurt worse than the floor!

I had never gotten hurt wresting until the last week. I ended up getting a black eye, busted lip, I pulled a muscle in my shoulder and jammed a finger. All because of a joke... Thanks V!

Hey atleast I got free drinks for like a month after! and a trophy...

Its about damn time!

2005-11-18T09:31:00.000-05:00

So I woke up this morning the sound of my phone... Normally this would put me in a very bad mood, becuase what could be so important to call and wake me up at 6 am? It was my sister... She's going into labor!

I'm so excited!!!!! Unfortunately, I'm stuck at work until 5. damn work, you would think they would let me call off, I mean my sister is about to have her baby! But noooo..... I have to be here, alone, to answer the stupid phones. Isnt that what we have voice mail for?

I'm sure she will still be in labor when I get off, but I just want to be there now.

I wonder why I am so excited? I mean, I already have 6 nephews and nieces by my other two sisters. What makes this one so different? This is my favorite sister, her, her fiance, and I lived together for 3 years. She is more than just my sister... and he is more than just my brother-in-law. I have been waiting for this day for the last 5 years....

Today is going to drag... I am so anxious to leave, I know that the time is going to go by soooo slow!

There is a rainbow after all!!

2005-11-15T10:55:00.000-05:00

Its no secret that for the last couple of days I havent been feeling my best. Well I'm finally back to my regular self!

Isnt it weird that when you are in a bad mood something that would normally make your mood worse, takes you by suprise and actually puts you in a good mood? A little confusing? yeah I know it doesnt make sense to me either, but thats what happened...

I was certain today was going to be the worse day for me yet... I must have woken up and shut my alarm off and fell back asleep because I didnt wake up until 10 minutes before I had to leave. So I frantically ran around my house trying to make myself atleast look decent. Granted, I couldnt take a shower, but i am presentable...

As I'm leaving I notice that it is raining outside... Not a problem, so I grab my umbrella and leave the house. I'm standing at the bus stop; which by the way is not sheltered, its just a sign that says "bus stop", so there I am standing in the pouring rain talking to my boyfrind on the phone. I was telling him about my morning when out of nowhere my umbrella breaks.. I pretty much broke down and cried for about a minute, I mean, it was just the icing on the cake..

I thought for sure that this was going to make my mood even worse, but it didnt. After I let out a few tears, I started laughing, and couldnt stop. I couldnt believe that this was the way I was going to take my "shower" today.

By the time I got to work I was completely soaked and freezing, but I dont care! I'm in a great mood!!!

UGHH

2005-11-10T10:53:00.000-05:00

Now I can blame someone else. ahh... It feels so good to not blame myself any longer.

So I called my bank today to see if the money had been released into my account. It wasnt, so I spoke to one of the reps and she said to wait until this afternoon, so I did. I called back and the money still wasnt there. So I talked to a rep again, this time she told me that the fax from my phone company was never received.... SHIT!

So I called the phone company, and simply asked... why wasnt the fax sent? of course they didnt know. All the guy had to say was "I'm sure they tried to fax it, if it didnt go through its not our fault"

Then whose fault is it, mine? If it were faxed it should have gone through, and if for some reason the line was busy shouldnt they have re-faxed it?

Then do you believe he had the nerve to ask me when I was going to pay my bill? The fucking bill was due yesterday, I tried to pay it on the 8th; its not my fault that your company has so many useless people working there that a simple fax wasnt sent. Im not going to pay a phone bill that was mistakenly withdrawn twice from my account yet never actually paid until I get my money back!

I'm so pissed... Tomorrow is a holiday, so of course the bank is closed, and I'm screwed until monday or tuesday. Fucking imcompetent people!!!!

UGHHH!!! I just want to scream! I dont understand how people can be so useless, I mean is it really that hard to send a fax?

I can only blame myself...

2005-11-09T10:53:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one who has stupid things like this happen, I mean this could have easily been prevented if only I would have remembered to call my phone company and change my address...

Yesterday I tried to pay my cellphone bill using the automated bill pay... For some reason both times that I tried it was denied right at the end of the process. So I talked to customer service and they said it was because the zip code on my phone bill didnt match the zip code on my debit card. How fucking stupid is that. What if I wasnt using my card, and using someone elses instead?

Well anyway, since the two transactions were approved by my bank the money was taken out. Okay, so to fix this I had to have the phone company fax over a statement that they denied the transactions so the money can be released back into my account faster than the 5-7 days it normally takes. Simple huh? Yeah right, nothing in life is simple!

So I call the phone company and they say that they only have proof of one transaction that was denied, not two... UGHHH!!!!!

So who knows how long it will take for the second one to be released. The bank said anywhere from 2-5 business days. This is a bunch of BS!!!! I have checks out that might end up bouncing now because of this stupid error... How the hell does the phone company only show one transactions when the bank shows two? Just doesnt make any sense to me.

And what makes it worse is its my fault, noone to blame... damn it!

Its a lovely day in the neighborhood

2005-11-08T09:39:00.001-05:00

Well it seems that slowly but surely all of my fellow blogsters are making their way over here... So now the few that are left are bored! We have noone left to joke and laugh with. Its actually kinda sad, to see them go. Me, on the otherhand, I will stay in both places. Have my cake and eat it too!!! So for all of my new blogger buddies, I wont keep you in the dark, instead of pasting all of my blogs from there, here, I have posted a link... if your that interested just go take a look. If not, thats okay....

So, anyway enough about that, lets talk about me! What a very exciting weekend I had... Got a chance to see my bf, it was great. It was only for one night though, he had to go to Detroit on business. I am excited for this weekend, becuase he comes back from Montana on Friday and hopefully we will spend the weekend together! (hopefully, usually something comes up). Back to last weekend. On friday, I wasnt feeling too well, but a friend convinced me to go out. I ended up getting pretty trashed, and making an ass of myself. One of my bosses clients happened to be the bartender at the club. And what did I do? I flirted with him.......dont know why, I just did... I had no intentions of actually hooking up with him, I guess it was drunken small talk. Bad idea!!! now he thinks I have this crush on him, when I dont... and I have to see this guy all the time! I always get myself in these messed up situations. Atleast it adds alittle excitment to my life.

On saturday some friends came up from Akron, and of course they wanted to go out. So me being the great friend that I am, took them out for a night on the town with one of the worse hangovers ever! After a few drinks I was feeling better, but not up to par. So we left, had one of their guy friends take us to my house.... But life isnt that easy, right by the entrance to the highway we got a flat.. Damn flats! So we pull over, jack the car, and guess what happens next; the damn car fell off the jack. So now the jack is stuck under the car. Luckily for us there was a tow truck so we had him jack the car up again.

I'm actually kinda happy that the weekend is over!

Remember that time....

2005-11-04T10:52:00.000-05:00

Isnt it weird how you see people you know in the oddest places?

I went out to dinner last night to a restaurant that I never go to. The food isnt that good and the prices are way to high.. but I went anyway.

Who do I see? like 4 of my friends, that I havent seen in ages. They never go there either, just happened to be going to the improv which is right down stairs. what a coincidence...

Then I went to this stip club to have a few drinks and like 10 girls I used to work with are working there now. It was like a high school reunion.

If feels good to see all these faces again, and touch base on how every one is doing. But it makes me remember how much fun I used to have when I danced. Life was so different back then.. I know now that I'm doing better for myself, with a good job and alot less alcohol, but I sure do miss it some times. Not only do I miss the money, but I miss the girls so much. We were like one big family. They made up for more than 50% of my friends, now they're barely acquaintances.

Its too hard to keep up with that life style now... Too expensive and too many hangovers! Guess I'll just have to live off the memories...

Locks of Love

2005-11-03T10:51:00.000-05:00

So C cut her hair on Tuesday.

She left it longer that I thought she would, but she still looks weird with short hair.

She was on fox 8 news last night, they did a report on her donating her hair to Locks of Love. Its a non-profit organization that provides hair pieces to financially disadvantaged children suffering from long term hair loss.

I'm so proud of her, I actually cried watching the segment...

Its so good to see her doing something to help others.

One.. Two... Freddies coming for you...

2005-10-31T10:50:00.000-05:00

What is your first memory?

I have few memories as a child, and the two most dramatic ones are actually pretty disturbing.

According to my sisters I was about 2 1/2 maybe 3 when one of my sisters boyfriend gave me a kitten. Back then fast food restaurants gave their happy meals in plastic buckets with lids to them. My family and I were leaving for the afternoon and my sister told me to put the kitty somewhere warm, assuming I would put it in its bed. But me being the smart kid I was thought there was somewhere warmer to keep it. Hours later we returned and my sister told me to go get the kitten. So I did... Here I come running out of my bedroom with this bucket, and I still remember to this day opening the bucket and telling my sister.."Look I did a good job of keeping the kitty warm, its still sleeping!" I was so excited that I was a "big girl" and took care of the kitten. My sister never told me that I had killed the kitten, but later told me it ran away. Everytime my family brings this up it makes me cry, I think just because I remember so vividly seeing the kitten "sleeping"...

Yeah, I know I am a horrible person....

This next memory just shows one of the ways I was tortured as a kid. My sisters always bullied me!
When I was about 5 or 6 we lived behind my grandparents house, so the yard was very large and there were alot of hiding places. In our house the door to the basement was in the bathroom. I hated that door! it scared the crap out of me... This was also about the time I started watching scary movies, and I was terrified of the nightmare on elm street movies. (Actually I still am to this day, I love scary movies but those are the only movies I cannot watch, I even still have nightmares about him! and I think its because of this...) Well my sister J and R decided to play a trick on me. J locked R in the bathroom and R acted like someone was attacking her. About 10 minutes later R came out dressed like Freddie Kruger. It was Horrible!!! I was so scared.... she chased us around the yard for a couple of minutes than ran back into the bathroom. Then she would come back out normal and I told her what happened, she acted all freaked out them J locked her back in the bathroom and everything started again. I remember looking into my grandparents window and seeing my grandmother. I told my sister J that we should go in there and she told me that Freddie had already killed them and if we did they would attack us. My sister chased me around atleast for a half hour, if not longer. I have never been so afraid in my life! When my mother got home they did get in trouble but I couldnt sleep in the dark for about 2 weeks.

What a memorable childhood...

Will this ever end

2005-10-28T09:49:00.000-05:00

Nothing much to talk about today....

Guess I can give an update on C.

Its been 2.5 months since she has been in the hospital. She still has no control over her body but shes no longer in pain which is good. The doctors say she will most likely me there for atleast another six months. Well actually they have decided to put her in a nursing home as soon as they find one.

They really havent updated on her recovery, so I'm still not sure if she will ever gain control of her legs again. Shes lost over 45 pounds since she has been there. She looks like a completely different person!

She has decided to cut her hair,(something she never does!!) so on tuesday the hair dresser is coming in to chop it off, I think they are cutting off all but like 4 or 5 inches! Her hair is so beautiful, its atleast down to her ass if not longer and really thick. Shes going to donate it to this girl with cancer so they can make her a wig. The local newspaper is supposedly doing this big article on it. I cant wait to see it. She will definately look different then.

The hospital gave her her own room so she wouldnt have to deal with a roommate. They also gave her a mechanical wheelchair, since she only has control of her hands... The other patients have been really supportive also, in one of the art classes they made some puzzles and pictures for her son so when he visits he has something to play with. Her favorite thing is that she finally convinced them to let her wear regular clothes... She was so excited about that! It was good to see her smile, even if it was only for a few minutes.

I just want her to come home. I want to be able to do all the things that best friends do again! I miss just hanging, having someone to talk to about everything, even her yelling at me for stupid things, but most of all I just miss her! I know she will never be the same, its so hard to lose that part of her that she will never gain back... her spirit.

Sex is perfectly natural but not naturally perfect!

2005-10-27T09:48:00.000-05:00

So I'm very bored today, no work to do again...

I was sitting here and for some reason I started thinking about this show Talk Sex with Sue Johanson on the Oxygen channel.

Its the best friggin show ever! I mean what is better than a lady who reminds me of my grandmother giving very detailed sex advice...

She has a little treasure chest that has exciting new toys to try... She also rates different products, this week I think it was butt plugs. I've never used one and I'm sure I never will but just in case I do, its always good to know which one is the best! I wouldnt want to waste my money! She even has these two wooden dolls that she demonstrates sex positions with... Its great!

God I love this show...

Just a fun fact-

Did you know it takes 70 days for a mans body to make one sperm!

Boo!!!

2005-10-27T09:46:00.000-05:00

Ahh.... I love this time of year.

Well, actually just halloween, its my favorite holiday. I'm not really a holiday kind of girl; I dont really enjoy thanksgiving and I hate christmas. I'm like the grinch!

But halloween is great! I love everything about it, especially haunted houses. I love being scared, its an adrenalin rush thats better than any drug!

Theres one house in Cleveland that I wish they would make into a haunted house. Its called the Frankin Castle. Its one of the most beautiful structures I've ever seen...(and yes I have traveled, so its not like I've only seen the crappy buildings in cleveland!) It just has this magnetism that draws me to it.

Theres alot of history to this building, and most of it is kind of creepy... The building which was owned by Hannes Tiededman has over 40 rooms, with lots of secret passage ways. Its said that some people (mostly children and Hannes's family) were murdered back in the mid-1800s when it was first built. Dozens of baby skeletons were discovered years later in one of the passage ways, and thought to be victims of a doctors botched experiment.

There are lots of versions of the story, and of course its hard to separate fact from fiction... But its so interesting to know that there is a real haunted house right here in Cleveland.

call me a yankee!

2005-10-25T13:53:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so I completely forgot that I started this blog... but now I'm back!

What crappy weather we are having here. Its about that time of year when everything goes down hill. Its cold and rainy now, but soon it will be even colder and snowing. Why do I still live here? why do people put up with crappy weather to live in a crappy city? I could understand if the city had something to offer; but it doesnt! Theres nothing here that could possibly attract someone to move here, except a job offer of course.

I bet 80% of the residents have lived here since they were kids... I know that if I hadnt lived here as a child I sure as hell wouldnt be here now. I just havent had the guts to actually move yet. But this is it, I cant take it any longer.. THIS WILL BE MY LAST WINTER HERE!!!!

I guarantee that no matter what happens I will move next year. Hopefully to Texas... My mother just moved there so atleast I will know someone. Ahhh... how nice it must be there now, I can just imagine how warm and dry it must be! Its a dream for now, but this time next year it will be reality!

Im dreaming of a warmmm christmas!

2005-10-25T09:44:00.000-05:00

The weather is shitty and I feel like shit. hmm.....

I hate this crappy weather.. Its cold and rainy, very depressing. Its even more depressing to know that soon it will be even colder and snowing. Why do I put up with this shit, this city has nothing to offer me, yet I stay. I just havent had the balls to actually move. Well this is it.

No matter what happens, I guarantee that this will be my LAST winter here! I have to move next year, I cant take it. Every year around this time I get the winter blues. I just cant take it any longer...

So I guess I'll be moving down to Texas with my mother next year. I cant wait.. I should have moved this year, but I guess one more winter wont be so bad.

On another note, I feel like shit. I'm not sick, I really dont know whats wrong. I'm exhausted, I can barely keep my eyes open. Its been like this for the last week or two. For some reason I havent been able to get a good nights sleep. I usually lay down around 10-10:30, and I end up waking up like 4 or 5 times throughout the night. Its beginning to irritate me! And I have been eating like crazy... Its like Im getting the munchies with out smoking the pot, now wheres the fun in that?

okay I'm done bitching now...